Mid December

After last weeks post, we are highly saddened to find that, contrary to our understanding, Verlande's mother was not present to sign papers last week.  We found out today that she is "nowhere to be found".  Then, that was quickly changed to "we know where she is, but she wants nothing to do with the future of Verlande".  This means that she simply doesn't want to go sign papers.  to our understanding, she was not taking care of Verlande before the orphanage- she was living with her father.  The mom has not gone to visit Verlande since the earthquake/since she has been in the orphanage, however she also wont' allow her to leave the orphanage if she doesn't sign relinquishment.  This is simply devastating to us.  Devastating.  This could be the end of our story if this is the truth and if this continues.

We feel devastated, of course.
We also feel a little "taken" as we were told that the mom and dad were there, and were sent pictures.  The woman in the pictures was apparently not the mom, it was just another woman.  We dont' know if they were trying to pass this person off as Verlande's mom.  Either way, after staring at pictures for a week, we are confused and disappointed and worried.  Also we are just simply saddened for Verlande.  simply a sad situation.

From the Beginning.......

December 5th, 2010:  It is becoming more of a reality...
we WILL BE BRINGING VERLANDE TO VIRGINIA!!! 
Last Friday, our lawyer in Port au Prince and her team, met with Verlande and her parents to sign papers of relinquishment, and to go to the court to bring this to the judge.  We had mixed feelings u pon seeing pictures of Verlande with her mom and dad, of course, but were reminded of the reality in Haiti when Archibal- our contact who met with them, said that they were "extremely happy about the procedure and praising God for the opportunity" for Verlande.  Eliette, our lawyer, emailed us the next day to let us know that she met our future daughter and that she is a beautiful girl with beautiful, expressive eyes.  I smiled.  This is Verlande.

An update from the beginning.....here is part of a write up I did on my trip within a week of returning in August.

THE ORPHANAGE:

This was my hardest day in Haiti.  It is still crushing my heart and splitting my mind, into all hours of the night honestly.

28 girls.  I imagined a building.  No, there were 3 tents.  There were cardboard boxes for beds.  And there was running and giggling when we arrived- the girls were showering behind a wall, but were so excited when we came that they ran to us so fast that some of them had to stop later to put on their underwear.  There were also tears of a child.  I saw a child around 4-5 come out of a tent after she must have been crying.  There were hugs and SO MANY SMILES, GAMES- universal games like hand games, soccer, coloring books, and crafts… and hugs.  And did I say smiles under the most genuine eyes I’ve ever seen.  Eyes that I could look into forever.  Eyes that showed love and joy, and I don’t even know what else.   Some of you know I fell in love with a little girl there.  I just immediately felt this connection, like I already had known her.  I had never gone to Haiti thinking, Ohhh, maybe I’ll see a child I will love and wish to adopt.  So, I don’t even know what to do with these thoughts of mine.  2 years to adopt a child in Haiti.  Seems so long.  Not if it protects them from being sold though.  2 years to a 4 year old is huge.  But it also leaves them only 6- A LIFETIME AHEAD OF THEM…. A lifetime….

I am embarrassed by my thoughts-  how can I go to Haiti and end up “wanting” something… But then again why did I feel like I was staring at myself looking at this girl.  Why do I lay at night thinking about those eyes.. that smile, that laugh, that focus, that LIFETIME AHEAD…  What do you do with those thoughts.  I don’t’ even know.

Leaving the orphanage was terrible, terrible. Terrible.

Is that normal.  What is normal.  What is normal when you see a small soul and know that you have the ability to help.  When there is a choice you can make.  Do you look the other way.  Is that looking the other way?  What is right for an entire family, what is right for one child.  That night, Father Rob, the pastor on our trip, asked at our nightly meeting, if the orphanage “wrecked anyone.”  So I sat there and lied by saying nothing.  Of course I was crushed, I felt far further than wrecked, but couldn’t even open my mouth or really raise my eyes.  There was nothing to say anyway for me..  I still feel I have nothing to say.. words cannot even come close to the power of this day.  I remain a bit wrecked by this… I’m embarrassed that I don’t know HOW I should feel.  I thought it would be best that I didn’t find out this girls name, I couldn’t understand when she was saying it, and I thought, don’t ask.  I don’t know why I thought that would make it easier.  Nothing will make it easier when you look into the eyes of a child you feel like you KNOW somehow.  Father Rob made a statement that I NEEDED to hear and I will never forget it.  “Sometimes you need to get to the end of your rope to find out where you end, and God begins.”  This brings me to the end of my rope.  God, what do we do from here??? 

Needless to say, I continued to have quite a time coming to terms with what I felt like I could not leave behind.  Ryan listened to m y thoughts from the get- go.   He seemed to hear me and understand that I really had this love and feeling of connection.  At first, I don't know how serious he thought I was.  The first month I got home, I didn't feel well, I wasn't sleeping well.  My mind was full of these images of all things Haiti.  I would go out and bike and have to stop on teh side of the road:  I had no focus on the road, i would pedal and pedal and find myself 30 minutes hyperventilating from my racing thoughts of, How can I let this go?  How can I turn my back.  This would be huge, but so so right.

Ryan and I had many converstaions about the meaning of all of this.  The effect on Phoebe and Forrest to have another sibling, particularly when Phoebe will have to share a room.  The financial impact.  Whether or not we even have a strong enough relationship to support this.  We talked also about how right it just felt. 

For one of the first times in my life, I felt like i was able to simply have faith in God for this.  

After