all in a day.... trusting that there is something good that will come... (soon?)

I had a feeling about today. 
I was supposed to be bringing in our last 6 documents to haiti embassy to get legalized to send to Haiti.
I was driving into the city, and just felt DOWN.  VERY DOWN.  Maybe down becuase I knew I had done this all before, that I had been excited, hopeful before.  Maybe down because I know that it doesn't really "mean" anything, these steps.  It is so out of our control.  It is under the control of other people who I may or may not fully trust.  Who may or may not be doing their jobs?  I have no idea.  Over the past years, I've learned maybe to gain some trust in people back, and I worry that this past year has completely demolished that for me.   Anyway, I was very down, very aware of feeling very low and depressed.  But I was doing my job, so I at least was going with it.

Of course I suck at driving in the city, I hate DC's roundabouts and lack of street signage on corners where I woudl like to know what the intersection is!!!!
So I finally found what I thought was an okay place to park near dupont circle and Embassy Row.  Then realized that I had a nice coin collection of only 55 cents to park.  that gave me 27 minutes, so GO.. there I sprint through DC with these damn documents, to the Haiti embassy.  Get there, and I look like i've been to Haiti and back, dripping w/sweat.  How embarrassing. 
So anyway, long story short:  NO, they cannot do the legalizing because I didn't bring to state department first.  last time we had brought everything to state department first, but our agency told us that they had never even SEEN THIS.... and that we DID NOT NEED IT... so I of course didn't DO IT... and now need to.  what a waste of a day.  including that while sprinting,, my cell phone must have popped out of my purse, because I got a call from a building later along Mass. Ave that they had found my cell phone... Ahhhh, I am thankful that it is at least found... Yes, maybe that was my silverlining of the day...
So.... where do we go from here.  well, it is so complicated, that we don't even KNOW. 
Please God, let me trust you, and people, and myself. 
Ryan and I are so at the end of what we are capable of:  currently trying to hold down our jobs, take awesome care of our kids and spend quality time being wonderful parents to them, but also trying to maintain hosue stuff, seriously, paying bills, ryan is filling out forms to refinance the mortgage, I am packing us all up for our camping trip, trying to not neglect things, getting kids ready for school, trying to have meals prepared for everyone, oh, in the middle of this planning a garage sale to make money... it is never ending......  I know I am not the only one with these struggles.  I at least feel confident that I am right now doing my best. I pray that will be enough.

COMMITTED with hearts full of love....

                                       BRINGING VERLANDE TO VIRGINIA….     July 22, 2011

We have been brought to our knees.  There has been a change in Haitian adoption law, and our work has been crushed, as there are no more independent adoptions, which is what we were doing.  Most importantly, our little girl remains waiting. 

 Two weeks ago, we were in despair.  When we heard this news, our world crashed as we realized that we would have to start the adoption over, particularly financially, and that we just don’t have the savings or income to make this happen.  What will happen to our Verlande, the girl with passionate eyes and bright smiles.  What would happen to a 7 year old child, who has met her “new mommy and daddy” for a week, been held, hugged, kissed, and told that we are coming back for her.  What goes through the mind of a child who has been skyping with her new brother and sister for 4 months, and it is so obvious the joy that is brought to both sides.  One week ago, my body literally shook in fear and heartbreak, and my heart POUNDED with adrenaline? Or loss?  I don’t know… I actually had to keep putting my hand on my chest reminding myself that I was not having a heart attack, that it was just me being upset.  That my body would physically be okay.

  Today I email you with HOPE.  I am full of FIGHT. 

This is who I am, most of you know this.  You’ve heard me say it over and over:

**“NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER GIVE UP.” 

**I said it this morning to Phoebe as she rode her bike without training wheels up a hill, “when it gets the hardest that is when you know you have to push harder than ever, and it WILL get easier.”

**So many of you have emailed to remind me of my words: Just think of this as going up a very long hill and your muscles are tired and sore, but you have to keep going to finish.

I am full of fight, because I am Verlande’s mom.   Ryan and I consider ourselves Verlande’s mom and dad.  When I first heard someone referring to their (hopeful) adopted child as their daughter I thought, hmm… I couldn’t say that myself… Now I can.  I am fighting for Verlande because she IS our daughter.  If there is ANY SLIGHT possibility that we can bring our daughter home, we WILL FIGHT.
It is possible.  We will need to basically start over and go through an adoption agency now, but it is possible. After all, we are not doing this because it is an easy thing.  We are doing this because we knew for us, it is the right thing, and our hearts are open for Verlande.

It was only one year ago that I met Verlande.  I had no idea how my life was going to change when we walked through that metal sliding door to the rubble that was her orphanage.  I had no idea that our hearts would lead us to this journey, that we would witness a girl hiding peanut butter in her napkin for later, and also delighting with joy in the bathtub like a real live fish.  I had no idea we would hold Verlande through massive cries as her stomach, filled with parasites, hurt her so much.  I had no idea how hard it would be to say good bye to her at the airport, when she was crying that we were leaving and not looking at our eyes any longer…..We couldn’t have known that our case would take a nosedive when we had such hope that things would actually change for the POSITIVE.  And we couldn’t have known that these latest events just reinforce our commitment and resolve to make a difference.

We wholeheartedly believe it is possible to save lives, to step up, to give more, to make a difference.  Verlande was in Port au Prince during the earthquake.  She lived.  I sometimes take myself back to the images we saw from the devastation that she was in.  I won’t forget or back down from my initial sense of the NEED to DO something.  I went on the mission trip last year because of my belief in people coming together to do good.  I am trusting in that belief again and asking you to be part of our team to make this possible.  We are committing ourselves to raising the money needed to adopt from Haiti.  If you are able to donate financially, we thank you from truly the bottom and every crevice of our hearts.

Ryan and I are so humbled that many have asked how you can contribute.  The adoption agency that we are now working with is a non-profit and accepts donations for our case- if you donate, you will receive a tax deductible receipt.  To complete the adoption, we will need to provide another $26K on top of the amount we have already spent.   We WILL bring her home.  This agency is currently processing other successful adoptions with children coming home in the next month.

If your company matches donations, or you think there is any possibility in sharing our story with your company, church, neighborhood      group, yoga studio, book club, etc, let me know.  Let’s be creative.  Let’s reach out.  Things happen when we come together.  If you aren’t prepared to support financially, your emotional support and prayers are so appreciated.  This has been a roller coaster ride and there are certain to be more peaks and valleys ahead.

Let’s prepare to be amazed.  We will never forget the experience of hearing Verlande’s words, the child who lived in the rubble with nothing at all; the child who smiled and said to us, “God is GOOD.”  

Donation Information:  If you are interested in donating financially, please note the following:

-          For a tax receipt, donations should be made by sending a check written to All Blessings International and mailed to our home (1600 Stowe Rd., Reston, VA 20194).

-          Donations are non-refundable once submitted to ABI.

-          Cash or checks written to us will support Verlande’s room, board and schooling while she is in Haiti.  These payments do not go through ABI so there will not be a tax receipt.  Check with your tax advisor for deduction possibilities.

Thank you all so much for reading this, keeping us in your thoughts and prayers, and to the extent that you are interested, donating for our little girl. We cannot wait to bring her home.