SO CLOSE… but so far away….
In the past week, week and a half, two weeks… my anxiety has
grown. I want to find out DESPERATELY
that we are in MOI, our next stage…. Weeks are leading into a month. This week will be a full month since we have
been out of the last stage and I am antsy.
I’m feeling nervous, even though we were told that we should expect 4
weeks… I think (I know) that I had my
hopes up too much. I had been so excited
to exit our last step, and felt on top of the world, invincible, so reassured
in this journey.
We know each week brings us closer to our time, the time
that will be right, the time that God chooses for us to move us through this,
when it is the perfect time to bring her home forever. And that does bring me peace… but another
part of my heart so desperately feels desperate. Longing to have her here for the holidays,
but more than that…. Sadness for this child who has been through so much. How much can she handle, how is SHE hanging
in there? How does a KID understand this
whole thing. It is not understandable,
so how is she coping, and we want the time on our side to begin to let her feel
safe and loved and IN HER PLACE. Beginning
that journey that she will experience, where she learns how to be loved, how to
love and not just survive. I want that
for her. I of course want that for her,
she is my child.
And THAT… that she is SO our child…. has become such a
strong, powerful presence in my heart. I
have 3 children, and I don’t’ love Phoebe and Forrest any less to make room for
Verlande, just as a mom to 3 biological children loves them less to “make room.” I am amazed by how my heart has so fully expanded,
and is so open and vulnerable, waiting for her to be here. I love being a Mom. Yes,
and I do not rock at it, but I love this journey, I love the effort, I love the
meaning that my kids bring to my days. I
love the MOMENTS. Each silly, small one. I love hearing them slurp milk from their
cereal… even when it drives me insane. I
love watching them find beautiful leaves, watching them become immersed in
coloring, in books, in simple, glorious LIFE.
I love watching them learn to be who they are, to be good people, to
make friends, to make mistakes, and LIVE.
And it leaves me sad to not be able to watch Verlande. I want her here, doing simple stuff with
us. Brushing teeth. Yep, even when 3 kids don’t fit in that small bathroom, even if they argue
about “who is first.” I want her here to
read books in her own bed, on her new pillow.
I am ready. I am ready for the daily life, the beauty,
the frustrations. I find beauty and love
in it all, and my heart is so bursting full
of love for my three kids.
It has been so complicated.
Such a process, such ups and downs, all because of such simplicity: I met Verlande and simply just love her.
Dear God, I am asking you to move mountains.. again and
again, over and over, to bring Verlande home before February 2013. We will love her simply and fully every
day. We hand this to You, God. Let us take care of and begin our journey
with Verlande home. In your name we
pray. Amen.
