So, we have waited two years to be able to plan to bring
Verlande home.
We’ve read books.
Stopped reading books when it got frustrating to be planning and hoping
with no real movement or results. We’ve
read blogs, we have watched other families bring kids home from Haiti as well
as other countries. And we have talked
much about what is right for US. As we
have learned, it will be important to be confident in our choices, to not
second guess ourselves…. And we need to share that with you.
So… how will it even look when Verlande comes home?
YES.. we will want to have an airport
“party”.. of course not “party” to overwhelm or scare Verlande, but a gathering… just come see us, see
Verlande, celebrate Verlande meeting Phoebe and Forrest, celebrate Verlande
coming to America .. We are aware
that some people are for these airport gatherings, some against them, so here
are our reasons that yes… we invite you to be there. First of all, you have all been part of
this. So many of you have made this
happen. Phoebe and Forrest deserve this
also. They deserve to have some
excitement and see that this process that they have lived through was
REAL. They have been patient and so
eager to welcome their sister home.
HOWEVER, as much as we will celebrate this day, we are very
aware that this day is a day of one of the biggest losses of Verlande’s 8.5 years.
Everything she knows is gone. And
of course there will be some degree of being overwhelmed. But we also think that she is a very happy
girl, that she will be happy to see balloons, and that she deserves to see that
she was prayed for, celebrated, and so so so so so important to the world…
Please be aware and accepting that maybe she will not smile like you have seen
in pictures, you may think she looks sad, we have no idea how she will
look. But I do think it will mean so
much to her to see that she is “a star” and people are celebrating her.
So, you are invited, we want you there. That being said, please know that other than
Phoebe and Forrest and Ryan and I, we won’t be able to let her hug anyone else.
(PLEASE see below as her attachment to
her mom, dad, brother and sister is of ULTIMATE importance from the beginning, she needs to learn what FAMILY is for the
first time). Our focus will need to be
on Verlande and bringing her to Phoebe and Forrest and to her new home. Soooo..
we won’t be able to stay to talk to you individually possibly, etc. We will just do what is best for our kids as
we see how they are reacting. Please if
you are coming to the airport, bring cameras and video…. And some tissues….
BEING HOME: The first week, there will be
medical/dental/school assessments and
vaccinations that she will need to go to.
She may be sick from new water that she is not used to, parasites that
are being treated, etc. She may even
need some extra time to get used to two big, furry, tail wagging, tongue
licking bundles of dogJ Please know that we won’t be doing too much
in the first month socially. I will be
taking off of work, the kids won’t be able to do as many playdates, although we
still want them to be able to get OUT and be themselves and carry on with some
sense of normalcy… But the majority of time, we will be together as a family of
5, allowing Verlande to learn about family life. We won’t be having anyone else in our home
during this time for sure, as we have read about adjusting and attaching
issues, and will follow the guidance of the blend of information we have taken
in.
Verlande has lived 8 years so far, really learning to
survive. She has lived in someone’s
house for the past year and a half, but she is used to her caregivers changing,
as well as depending on caregivers in an orphanage setting. She will be learning what a Mom and Dad do,
that she goes to Mom and Dad for all of her needs, and that we will meet them. She also needs to learn boundaries, time to see examples set by Phoebe and Forrest,
how to ask for help and also how to be loved.
Of course each child is different and she may adjust easily, or
not. We will have no expectations of
her, and will meet her where she is.
We know at the beginning, family and friends will want to
hold her, let her sit on their laps, etc, and Verlande will even be reaching out
to you to do this---- MORE THAN SHE
SHOULD. This is a survival behavior she has
learned in order to get food, get attention from people on mission
trips (me). But I have to ask you to not do
this, and instead direct her to Mommy and Daddy for holding, for help, for
getting her a glass down, if she is hungry, thirsty, needs a tissue, has a
question. She must learn that we meet
those needs for her, and that manipulation is not part of the way we live. As a friend or family member, probably the
best thing you could ever do for us is
to speak well of us to Verlande, to show her that we are supported and loved by
you, and to redirect her to us. That
may be hard at times, but it honestly could be the most helpful thing you could
ever do for us- is to find an opportunity to direct her to her mom or dad…. And
help her learn what this relationship is all about.
Of course this won’t last forever, and we cannot wait until
the day when we see a very healthy connection, response, and understanding of
family and boundaries, but please don’t take our time getting there
personally. We will have to constantly
be reminding ourselves to not doubt our decisions. It will be a great and huge help to us in
this learning stage if there are opportunities that arise where you can direct
her back to her Mom and Dad.
Also, something we have learned in preparing for Verlande to
come home, is that traditional parenting advice often-times runs OPPOSITE of traditional parenting advice. Some
well-meaning family members will tell a new mother not to pick the child up
every time she cries because it will spoil him. A child who is at-risk or who
suffers from attachment issues must be picked up every single time she cries.
She needs consistent reinforcement that this mommy/daddy will always take care
of her and always keep her safe.
Another example is “time outs.”
While Phoebe and Forrest have… AHEM.. had their fair share of timeouts…
a time out with a child who has been abandoned is simply another abandonment and
proof in their minds that they don’t deserve… that they are less than…. They
are not wanted. We will be using “time
in’s” and other strategies we have learned.
All in all…. Please know that we are working 100% as hard as we can to
be the best parents to our 3 kids, and advice and strategies that is not geared
towards older adopted children is most oftenly not recommended. (yes, oftenly is a new word).
GIFTS: We already have the biggest gifts- the
reality of bringing Verlande home. We
don’t need anything else, except your continued friendship… And at this point,
Verlande will be SOOO overwhelmed—the toys and books that we already have in our house are already going to be
more than enough to overwhelm her, so we must ask that you please do not bring
any gifts for Verlande or Phoebe or Forrest.
We want to continue our efforts to live as “non-stuff” people—and we
don’t want to build an incorrect expectation to Verlande about receiving gifts,
or that these new people in her life are for “things”….
Of course, in my dreams, Verlande comes home to a magical
home, where there is an open and clear kitchen table, then a warm meal comes
out of the oven, there is glorious music playing, there is sunlight cascading
through our windows, there is no dog fur all over our floors, the kids are just
preciously playing and loving on each other….
And then I wake up. We KNOW: there will be days… just as there are now….
days when stuff is just not good.
When I am tired. When she is
tired of us. There will be REAL LIFE happening here, and it
is ok.. it is more than ok… we are so so lucky.
There will be days of ups and downs, and we are thankful for them all. If I need to vent, please let me vent for a
minute. Please do not tell me of YOUR
worries about our situation, and other people’s horror stories (don’t worry,
people have already shared these with us.. we know.. thank you much!) And please don’t tell me that “this is what I
asked for” if I am having a hard day.
Please just let me have a friend in you to vent with and tell that we
need a breath, we are simply just having a day… just like we have days NOW
without verlande… Just all the more REALNESS, which is what we are so grateful
for! Thanks to all of those who have
already asked how they can help- honestly, this is it—just being our friends
and just being there for us even on hard days… Please be my friend… and please
maybe bring me a coffee somedayJ
This will be the beginning of the REST of the JOURNEY!! We are so blessed! We are so blessed to be given the gift of
finding Verlande and forever being her family.
Thanks for all that you have done by being there through these years.
DETAILS:
IF you can come, no pressure, we know it is in the middle of
workday/school, etc….
Thursday, MARCH 14, AA flight 1946 Miami to
IAD/Dulles: ARRIVING 1:45PM *meet at the appropriate baggage claim area
(as I believe that is the farthest in you can come). IF flights need to be changed, we will email
this email list, or I will post on facebook!!!
