Two weeks home!

TWO WEEKS

And today marks two weeks that Verlande has been home.

Two great, hard, fun, scary, and FULL weeks! 

We have had tears and crying and pouting (really from all of us).. but we have so had love.  I have looked out  my window to see my three kids jumping and flipping on the trampoline, I have run on the treadmill while looking at Phoebe, Forrest and Verlande playing in front of me, I have gone in to check on 3 sleeping children.  I have been amazed.  I have watched Phoebe share her dolls, room, really her LIFE… her friends, her time.  I have never been so proud.

I have watched Forrest struggle so much, but also have seen him ask for one on one time, climb on my lap for hugs and kisses, and know that we are there for him.  He knows we will spend those extra times with him, and has seen that we have made extra one on one time for him, with extra books, games, lego building, etc.

I have watched Verlande gracefully (more than I would most likely being in her situation) learn our life:  polite ways of speaking, how to give people some space, how to share knowing that there will be a more and that there will be a later.  I have seen her break down because a store was too much, I have seen her try to lie and manipulate a bit, but I have seen her recover,  having her first glimpses that she can fall and get back up, that she can start over and be loved just as much as she was before,  that she… like all of us…. Will be given grace…

It has broken my heart to see her stomach huge with giardia, to see her skin erupt in rash/welts, and to hold her tight (hold  her DOWN and still more like it) while she gets her first vaccines and blood tests.  It makes me look up to her so much as she showed us pictures- the only ones we have seen- of her birth mother, and listened to Verlande explain her family situation, who is and who is not her brother, (we are still not sure), listen to her explain how she was told her mom died, who she thinks she lived with at certain times during her life, how she came to the orphanage.  She has joined our family so well, accepted us and I can see her working to adapt to us.

I am so lucky to have had Ryan’s support these past two weeks in our critical stages of bonding, establishing family rules and a general sense of what we do.  He has been firm with her, which I worried about him being able to do, and of course loving.

We’ve been on our first grocery shopping trips, daily bike rides and dog walks, visited schools, teachers and met her new class, gone to a few playgrounds, had family dance parties, game nights, my first race that she was home for, snowdays, church pictures, to the farm.  We have made bunny bait for Easter, planned fun stuff that the kids wanted to do on spring break, watched her first movie with us, and we have really tried to have a good combination of busy and just “down” (for all involved!!!!). Oh, and she helped me plant my indoor seeds which I will transplant, and all the kids painted a bird feeder this spring break!!

We see airplanes going overhead, and it amazes me that I am no longer dreaming that I was on that plane, going to bring her home.  It amazes me that the phone rings and I have no thoughts of, “is this it”….. I’ve been so busy that I regret so much that I hadn’t messaged my “adopting from Haiti” facebook group until today—they were my lifeline, and every day I had intended to message them…  But I’ve been so busy, and really hate that excuse.

I don’t mean to  make any of this seem like we have it under control more than we do!!!  Ii am sure we do not!! Haha!  But I also feel like the ridiculousness of the wait, the struggle, the TERROR of these years, has simply just diminished (for the moment at least) my frustrations with any of the hard stuff that comes up.. I am reveling in it.. I can do hard right now!! Yes please!  She is here, so yes please! I will work hard and be thankful for that!  And again, I don’t mean to seem like I am all happy, sunshine and unicorns here.. nope, I’ve been tired, and I write this on the day that Ryan is taking off so that I am essentially ON  MY OWN for most of the day (except for planned special times with each of the kids), but just doing computer work, exercise, and yes I just had a nap!  Because no, I doubt, I question, I worry that I am too tired to be a fun mom, I question why I am being too strict with Verlande?  Or is that right?  I am treating her just like P and F, is that right or wrong, are my expectations too high? Etc etc.. so I am working also, and never quite sure except that I am doing my best!  

And what I have learned over 2.5 years

As I am thinking over the past few days about how much I have to learn in the next months and years as Verlande becomes part of our family, I think back to the past 2.5 years.  They’ve been tough.  And I’ve learned a lot.  More than I’ve wanted to at times, but I don’t doubt there was good in all of it.

And what I have learned…..

1.        “Stuff” doesn’t matter…… there is very little in life that I actually need.

I learned this lesson partially from the first trip to Haiti, in which I was inside of a Haitian “home” and saw how little they had.  I saw people living under a tarp with basically nothing.  I saw people whose belongings/home were perched on the MEDIAN of the street—and these were the lucky ones because the water when it rained would drain down out of their stuff into the muddy, gravely, rubble and filthy street.  And then I came back to my home and felt sick with STUFF.   I have never been one to buy much, however, this took a drastic change even FURTHER when we started the adoption process.  Literally I did not buy myself a single item for 1.5 years, I haven’t gotten my hair cut in 2.5 years, I would still look through catalogs, since I think this is relaxing, but I would just recycle them—I would realize, “I already have shirts”.. I realized- I have enough clothes.. honestly, unless you are OUT of clothes, I figure now, why would I need more?  One of our favorite things as a family has always been to go out for dinner once/week.  We love eatingJ  We tried to continue going out, but to a lesser degree, we would go out maybe 1-2x/month and it would be to very inexpensive places that we also had coupons for (Cici’s pizza- did you know you can feed a family of 4 A LOT of food for $12.. (this is with a coupon, everyone getting water, and this is a buffet, so we let the kids go crazy since we weren’t going out very often!!!  We now love cici’s pizza!)  All of these changes were definitely conscious changes.  I noticed them yes.  But what I also really noticed was – the times that we DID go eat somewhere felt like HEAVEN.  I appreciated going and sitting somewhere and the food tasted FANTASTIC… I was so much more appreciative.  And I have survived with most of the same clothes. For crying out loud, I still have jeans from high school, so I’ll be fine!

2.       People are full of surprises; both good and bad.  Oh, this one breaks my heart.  Let me start with the heartbreaking stuff.  People are not always out to do the right thing in life.  Adoption is not set up to help children.  And that is all I can say about this.  On many regards, we have seen some bad stuff that is terrible to come to grips with… it is terrible and unfathomable that this IS REALITY for kids in this world.    BUT OH THE GOOD:  people CAME.  Love came..  Love poured in.  I never in my life have realized what DEEP and wonderful friends I am blessed with.

3.       I like my naïve head… and I want to keep it.  I have always been naïve.  I realize I am.. but I just love it.. I sometimes want to think things are fair and good and for the good of all.  Oh, bless this naïve heart.  On days when I see the realness of some things, I just become so affected.  I am sad to see people judge others so much.  It really breaks my heart.

4.       I can actually let go of selfish ways… I am always learning.  Before I went to Haiti, I had so many things I wanted to do… and I still do… but I am now acutely aware that my end all be all is not myself.

5.       You can feel your heart hurting (I already knew that)… you can also FEEL God’s presence (I hadn’t ever felt that).

6.       Social networking/facebook is my friend.  Quite simply, I do not know where I would be without my “adopting from Haiti” facebook group.  Yes, I have friends now who I have never met face to face, but who I truly consider my friends each day…  I don’t know if that is weird,, or just a sign of our times, but.. I NEVER thought it would be this way for me!

7.       It will be what it will be.  I love the book “Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle, and it taught me, or introduced me to something I desperately need to have tattooed on my brain:  if you are full of anxiety, you are not thinking of the now.  You are thinking of the past or the future.  If you are only thinking of now, then you know you are ok, and so there should be no anxiety.  This is tough.

8.       I do believe in a PLAN that is set for our lives… yes we alter it and still need to work… but it is pretty neat to look back and realize… all of this happened for a reason… so that I could be where I was at that one moment.

9.       I’m weaker than I thought.  I have cried more, not been able to get out of bed, and been at the bottom.  I’ve wondered how in the world I can carry on.  I am maybe even more sensitive than ever… is that even possible?  Why do I carry other’s pain so much, and why is  mine so deep.

10.   I’m stronger than I thought.   I’ve stood for what I knew was right, and it wasn’t easy ever.  But  I never ever ever gave up.  How can my heart be so so weak and strong at the same time?