Two years ago, I met Verlande

2 years later:

It’s been two years since I’ve met Verlande.  Two years since my life and perspective changed forever.

I won’t lie.  I wish she were home.  In a bed that we are too scared to buy yet, in soft snuggly sheets, in her favorite color, purple.  I wish I weren’t hyperventilating every time my phone rang, thinking maybe this is GOOD NEWS on the line!!!  I wish I didn’t have times of devastation where I just simply do not understand… and I try too hard to understand why she is not, why this process is so wrong.

But I also have more clear times where I am fully aware of how much better each single day of the past two years has been; how much more clear I am on my intentions for how I live my life, and how I spend  my time. 

I am so thankful for the opportunity I had two years ago to go with St. Matthews church on my first trip to Haiti.  I had no idea what was in store.  They have a team going again this year, and going this weekend, and I am in awe of the wonder they are about to experience. 

I hope for each of them that their world is a bit rocked… and I know it will beJ  I hope there are times of deep questioning and I know the scope of what they see with their own eyes will shake their core.  I know it shook my core, and changed my makeup forever.  I hope they stop and see God in this beautiful land, in this broken land.  Two years ago, we journaled as a group in the evenings, and one of our questions was:  Where did you see God today?   And I knew right away.  ALL DAY LONG:  I saw God in the EYES of the Haitians I met, in the butterflies that I saw, even amidst piles of rubble and garbage.  I felt God when I woke to hear a woman somewhere outside of our walls singing the most beautiful Amazing Grace- it sounded like she were far away, but yet I could still hear it… I imagined it was coming from the mountains I could see in the distance, but it probably was coming from the streets that were about to become full of chaos for the day. I just felt right, and I knew fully I was where I was supposed to be. 

More than anything, there was something about Haiti where I felt welcome and at home.  I don’t think I can explain it in words at all, because I don’t even quite understand it myself.  I felt home and completed.  I knew I was exactly where I should be… maybe because I feel that I truly was meant to find Verlande.  She is completely so precious, and we are so smitten with her, and have been since day 1.  

Day ONE of the rest of our lives was when I saw this beautiful spirit in little clothes that didn’t fit at all, but who was so full of energy and spirit and smiles.  When I saw this little sprite, her distinct eyes and personality, and just the connection, I knew.  I knew I was brought to Haiti, to that orphanage, that wasn’t even a real orphanage, just a fenced off pile of rubble… and was given a choice.  And we chose to listen and follow through on what we have had our eyes opened to.  It essentially was always very simple. 

  maybe  Definitely very scary... scary to the point of literally shaking for a few months at the beginning of this process... but still SURE.  Sure as I've been.. Strengthened by remembering that feeling of completeness in Haiti.  of being brought somewhere.... and following where I was led.  No questions.  Our hearts are full of love and we are open to sticking it out, amidst unfairness, policies that we don’t agree with… we will be strong enough for this.   It will be soon, friends… good news will be coming our way.. I can feel it.  Two years in… two years of blessings.  Thanks for being on this journey with us.  It may not be easy, but it will be worth it… This will all be small someday and this horrendous wait will be so amplified by the joy of having Verlande home…   Xoxo, Sharon

i LOVE YOU Skype! We are SO LUCKY to have this connection!

ohhh skype... how I love you.. we started off a tragic skype session w/verlande- she was in T.rouble. she ripped a journal I had given her to write in, and she was so ashamed and stubborn and wouldn't look at computer. In my handy kreyol that I have learned I told her that she must not rip books, "ou pa dechire liv yo"... but that we will love her always, we love her so much, we understand and everyone makes mistakes. no good. verlande was sad/angry. I am working on a scrapbook of pictures for her and had it sitting there and... how to make a little haitian girl smile... show her PICS of herself! OH MY! SAVED the day-- there was about 10 minutes of laughing, remembering these pics, smiles, blowing kisses and love.... ahh happiness, thank you skype for saving the day:)


More than ever.... this puts me over the top... totally ready to get dear Verlande home... She can have her little tantrums here... we've had two others with those this weekend, so she can just join the crowd of little ones getting themselves into hot messes over things.... 

I am ANTICIPATING a phone call... I'm praying, I'm hopeful, I'm patient, but excited!  Please let this be the week, MIRACLES DO HAPPEN!

ONE YEAR LATER

ONE YEAR LATER.....

As with so many other times in the nearly two years since I met Verlande, I have had a gut feeling lately.... well a few... (of course!)...
*one is that I am hopeful.. I think we are going to hear good news soon.. or maybe that is just that I'm becoming more patient, or who knows what.
*the other is that I keep going outside in our yard, I keep looking at the sky, the moon, the sun rising, the transition from the darkness of night to the sunrise... the sunrise that ohhhh always seems to come so early in Haiti!!!  and it has brought me back a year.  It was this week one year ago that our world came tumbling... crashing... and our adoption almost ended.  You can always scroll back on the blog to find out more of what changed in laws, etc.... but I will of course never forget the sheer horribleness of those days.
Mainly realizing what we were stuck at.  We were at the point of being the next parents to leave Verlande.  Ohhh sickness.  And I went out into the yard to cry, so the kids couldn't see....and I couldn't understand for the LIFE of me... how this world works-- we are under this SKY together.... how come I couldn't get my girl home...HOW oh HOW was I going to do this to her.  How would we look at her to tell her.  How can we do this to a HUMAN BEING.  How... we cannot.. I could not.  I couldn't live with myself.  i couldn't face days knowing those eyes had looked to me and called me mommy, and I couldn't continue- not because of lack of love or willing to go the length, because of a filthy thing called money.  sickness.... And where is the line that we can draw for what the minimum is that we should be able to continue to provide our children already- Phoebe and Forrest--- at the expense of praying the rest of the money is not being sent to corruption... My questions were unending- what can we do/ what should we have done differently to have been "better" people (at the time feeling like more successful financially so that we COULD take this step). sickness.
And sickness for Ryan also.
I've never seen him so disgusted.  We were both at a loss.
It was numbing.  Going places and pretending to be in the same world as everyone else.  But knowing that I wasn't in any sort of world at all.  Crying like a slobbery baby through church, trying to just dry my tears before they just plopped on my lap and created a puddle.  Wondering where God was.. Wondering how I could get back to that innocent place where I recognized a need and knew it was one we had a heart for.  Simple as that.  Simple as not being able to turn our backs... simple as the truth that we will not turn our backs... simple as taking action.  Most of all, seeing no future without bringing our whole family together, and that includes Verlande.

It is a true miracle that we have been able to continue our adoption efforts.  We have been truly humbled to have been helped by our family and friends to such a generous amount- financially and MORE-- listening to my updates, reading my blog, asking about Verlande... these things have helped me in ways I cannot ever thank anyone enough for.  I've found a crazy magnificent group on facebook that is full of other hopeful adoptive parents from Haiti, playing the same "games"... waiting... wondering... believing... questioning... believing... waiting more... etc etc..THANK YOU TO ALL.  Thank you for your prayers, thank you for your friendship, thank you for your humanity.  Thank you to those who have reached out and thought of ways to make this happen that I hadn't even considered.

So it has been a year, so much has happened, so much has changed, I know we have learned so much through this process... there is a reason.  (I also feel like I am happy with the amount I've learned and would like my daughter home now, thank you very much... done learning! hA!)  and who knows what is left.  In some sort of MIRACLE version, Verlande will be home at Christmas......  (remember, MIRACLE).... and in  reality... 2013... yea, in Haitian reality, I shouldn't even be thinking about time!!  But... IT IS GOOD.  We will fight every day to do all we can.. We had the best skype session with Verlande yesterday.  She was laughing away with Phoebe (who she pronounces Phe(soft e)be... and it is cute.. and Forrest, and she loves them both- it is so clear to see, and ours pray for her at night and include her in their thankful prayers...

I am at times terrified.
still sickened.
CrAzED by the amount of time this is taking!
But other times I see fully that it does NOT matter.  It will happen, and it will be good.  It will be hard, yes.  But it will be as it should be.  We can do this, we will, we are so so ready, we cannot wait. There isn't an ounce of doubt, and THAT FEELS GOOD.

A friend has recently reminded me of the power of visualization, something I do often, and am doing so intensely lately.  I'm envisioning getting the phone call, going to haiti and to court.  Yes, having to leave Verlande again for maybe another 6 months, but knowing that is the next step!  I'm envisioning the finality of our final progress- VISA/PASSPORTS and getting our flights.  2 down to Port au Prince, 3 RETURNING.
I'm envisioning the love at the airport, I'm envisioning the homecoming.  I know that includes tough times, and  again, we ARE. SO. READY.  And so is Verlande.  She deserves to be home so soon.  I'm envisioning 2012.  Why not...

So, on the 100 degree day today, I again go out in our back yard.  the scary hole I was in last year wondering how to go on.  how I could EVER live with myself.  Looking through the trees at that sky, feeling so stuck, uncertain, scared as HELL.  And I look up at the sky, at the moon/stars that I tell Verlande to look at, as we looked at together in the dark sky of Haiti at night.  I ask her on skype if she looks at the sky to connect us, and she says yes.  And I can tell by her eyes... those eyes.... that she is also looking to me through the sky.

I'm so glad I listened to my heart when I met Verlande.

EAGLEMAN 2012…. It came together for me this year!

As usual, I’ll try to be brief, and as usual, I’m sure you may wonder why it is so long.  I am upping the ante here and adding pics.  Honestly, even if you don’t read this, scroll to the last paragraph and pic.

First off- the morning started off great with the most spectacular of sunrises.  Seriously.  The day was already made for me by this.  Spectacular, miraculous, and one of my favorite things… speaking of… as I sat next to phoebe before the race on a rock waiting for my wave to go off, she asked me “What is your favorite thing about the world?”  Ok ok so… NO.. she doesn’t usually as such thought provoking questions, but then again it was super simple to answer.  I told her my favorite thing was all the people that I love in the world.. and that just started the day off great,  reminding me of things that really DO matter.. that this was just a race.  I had a great, very settled attitude going into the race.  Which reminds me why I love training so focused, hard, and disciplined:  I love going into a race with no questions- no worries.. it’ll play out how it does, and I know I have done EVERY SINGLE THING I can to prepare.

 So.. my wave started.  I missed hanging out w/ Catherine during the 6ish minutes we are out there treading water (among other things)!! The race started and I had probably 3-4 minutes of PUMMELING.  I hated it.  I was getting kicked and  BLEGH – started in a bad place apparently.. people were all coming INWARDS from both sides.. I should have chosen one of the SIDES.  Ok.. lesson learned.  My wetsuit was also bothering my neck, I was like getting choked by it.. so I had to stop and PULL it out away from my neck to get more breathing room.. and it was better, I got into my groove and it ROCKED—I hung onto a pretty good swimmers feet for the swim portion and I KNOW this helped me.. I was very happy.. I felt strong, but I have also felt strong in other years and havne’t gotten the time I thought I would, so I wasn’t sure if I might be under 40 minutes or … please please don’t’ let me be over!! And I was under in 36 minutesJ  YAHHOOOOOO!

Up to transition, wetsuit off good since I cut off the bottom calf part more last year, helmet, sunglasses, race belt on and OFF, put my shoes on AS I biked.. and it was good, very good… I started immediately strong.  I had gone over 5 ways during the bike portion- each to cut off 60 seconds that just “sneak up” on you.  One of these ways was to not “dilly dally” (thanks Dad for the great word) through the neighborhood section.  So I went strong and didn’t take seconds off of the corners.. started strong (I figured, 6 turns here, it’s easy to “let go of” 10 seconds each.. and there you have it- 1 minute.  I knew I wanted my best time- 2 years in a row I did the whole 56 miles at 2:35 and a few seconds… and I did nOT want anooooooother of the same result.  Then settled in, and felt great from the get go.  I felt strong, on top of my legs, I drank only water for 30 minutes, to let my stomach settle from the swim, then did 30 minutes of eating 4 fig newtons plus water, then 1 hour of perpetuem.  Then the final 30 minutes of water plus power bar (yum.. although I was TOTALLY FORCING myself to eat… I’m glad I did.. I had realized in my training I wasn’t eating enough to PERFORM—yes.. there was a reason ryan had to come pick me up 2 weeks ago- and if that reason was because I wasn’t eating enough, then I needed to elarn from that.  So hopefully I have!  The bike this year was much better than last year in terms of people staying RIGHT when needed- except one time on the course I had to tell some guys to stay right unless passing/ repeated it 2x, then said “I’m serious- GET OVER!”… I do not want to use my brakes on a flat during a race!  It was windy, but I was prepared mentally- sometimes the wind  combines with the rough road and I feel like GRRRR.. just want to be OFF bike already.. but today I reminded myself to WELCOME IT- that is where I can really thrive- is pushing the bike, and that just gave me a good opportunity… every bit of suffering adds up to show what you’re made of, right?  Well, I at least convinced myself of that!  Every 10 miles, I also stood up out of saddle and powered through the road for about 1 minute.. I hate sitting down so much on the saddle..  Ohh, and I had to go pee also.. but didn’t, I knew I didn’t want to stop.. and the course was too crowded, and I also don’t know how to relax enough to do that.. (TMI, sorry).

I knew the last 10 miles I just had to keep steady to get my goal:  2:30 for 56 miles.  I stayed strong, kept focused even on the small aspects, form, stretching, and continuing to RACE, not just push har, but truly RACE IT.. and I did.. 2:30 bike time, OHHHHH happy happy day!!!!  22.3 miles/hour… YES!

T2: ohhhh, so much so much fun!  DYNOMITE song was on.. and honestly couldn’t help myself had to sing a few “if I told you once” and “dynomite’s” and maybe a quick little shoulder boogey while getting my fuel belt and shoes on! But of course I was serious and mostly just trying to keep myself mentally “light,” upbeat, and patient.

Run: but that DYNOMITE attitude was quickly a bit squelched in the first few steps—I was a bit worried- I didn’t feel super strong running the first 5 minutes.. and it was… HOT.. of course… right, it is eagleman, so it HAS to be around 95, right? So I was hot and worried I would overheat.. but knew right away.. DO NOT RUIN IT.  The race has not even started yet (my goal was to not “mentally start” my race until mile 10 of run… I know I know… 4:30 in, right)..so I kept steady.  There was a girl that passed me and I was like NOOOO… she looked fine.. but then I passed her in somehow the next minute and never saw her again.. I think this helped w/ my confidence and reminded me:  do not ever give up… mile 1 in 7:50.  So it wasn’t as bad as I thought.. it just felt HOT

>

Miles went along and of course I just made it mile by mile- averaging between 7:45 to 8 min mile pace… one ice stop to the next- every one, I would get 1 cup of ice to put down my sports bra swimsuit, and at least 1 ice water cup to take a few sips of and douse my head with.  I found this probably saved me- the pouring it over my head- I always have done this at EM.. not like it is something totally new.. BUT.. I really try to freeze my body with this as much as possible.. so that it actually hurts from the cold… and a few times it SO SO did.. and I really used that frozen feeling to focus on/ to visualize me just thawing from that “freeze”..

I found my form,, and my cadence was ON.. I could feel it.  I was passing people through the miles. Was great.  I drank 1 water flask to start with (in addition to stops) and at mile 4 had my first clif block.  I actually ate it with an ice chip from my swim suit, and it ended up being nice, like a “frozen treat”, so I kept adding ice chips to prolong the block!  During those first 4 miles, maybe 5.. I also kept taking a piece of ice from my suit and holding it and squeezing it in one hand, then when I couldn’t take it too much  more, put it in the other hand, and that also helped me feel like I was cooling off (or frankly maybe just gave my mind something to focus on)started at mile 5 doing HEED sports drink and kept this up through mile 10, then back to water (I brought 3 of my own flasks) and also had water from the aid stations.

I was worried so much at the beginning of the run, but really kept my mind focused with so  many tricks that I had planned previously to help with the run:*first, at mile 3, I was “happy” to get to the 3^rd mile, but I reminded myself.. that is just another step, just another mile.. I reminded myself to think of it like a Haiti adoption and being “happy” about one step, but also knowing that there is sooooooooo much more….. yea, we are in IBESR.  Plod along people.  3 miles in.. fantastic..  continue.  And I reminded myself to NOT  STOP EVER.  This was NOT meant to be easy – I told myself to not walk a step—I knew my goal was UNDER 5 hours for total time of race.. and I said over and over to myself “people who go under 5 do NOT WALK”…. Run along. 

I reminded myself of the people I was doing this for…of the chance that I had to be moving.

I reminded myself of the breeze I felt every once in a while, and that I didn’t even have that breeze when I had been training on the treadmill w/ no fan.. I reminded myself that I had PREPARED FOR THIS.. and there would be NO REGRETS.. and I sped up. 

Made it to 8 miles.. another block/ice chip mixture. Yum.

Mentally set myself forward to look for 10 miles (where the race started, right)…  and there it was, a 5K left, and 26 minutes to get UNDER 5 hours…  ok.. this is what I have been training for- all those runs where I made myself eek out a HARDER INTENSITY at the last few miles.. bring it on…  I reminded myself of how much it would suck to be like 1 minute or 1:45 OVER 5 hours..  My legs were beginning to scream, and I mentally screamed right back at them… .lovingly.. but let them know that they WERE.NOT.DONE.YET.

I asked myself every step, “is this your BEST, Sharon Adams.. is this your BEST”, and I made sure it was.

I knew it was going to be close.  1 mile to go, I generally knew I could do it, it was possible if I WENT NOW. Go go go… go go go.. too close for comfort.. so I did.. I ran like my ass was on fire… I also couldn’t wait to pee… my arms had a steady cadence, I reminded myself to lean, to move my arms and my body would follow, to breathe, to ROCK THIS… I couldn’t look at my watch for last ½ mile, I did not want to waste even that one second!!  I knew one of my feet had been a bit rubbed raw- my shoes are the Zoot tri shoes, but with the amount of water you pour over yourself in 13 miles, it still gets wet and sloshy a bit in there… but I knew there was no comfort in slowing down anyway, so I made a conscious decision to just not feel that…..

I picked up everything I had left for last ¼ mile, saw Ryan, Phoebe and Forrest along the fence- gave phoebe a high five and HURRIED to the finish, looked down to 4:59!! (to find out later 48 seconds)!!!  I WAS SO HAPPY!!!

Oh yea.. and this year, they had DIET soda’s… so I got twoJ

I feel so great after this race- I feel a huge sense of satisfaction that IT ALL PAID OFF.

EVERYTHING:  the past YEARS of doing this race, learning about this race, plodding through some years just suffering and surviving…  everything including all the workouts, on tired days, cold days, treadmill runs with no fan, boring REPEATS of a flat 6 mile bike loop (the only one I could find with not many hills to prep for a flat course—yes doing 9x this 6 mile loop)… everything meaning learning from my disappointments, learning from my journey… connecting this Eagleman journey to my life journey- presently our adoption journey.. and the symbol I see is that it all does matter.  The little things, the sacrifices, the perseverance… It reminds me to NEVER GIVE UP.   It reminds me that persistence, passion and hard work lead to good things… that results CAN COME!

I finished the race, found out I got 8^th!!!!  So happy to break into the top 10!  We left, got some food (I didn’t think I could keep any of the food that was at the finish line down.. ) and we went to a little beach area….  And … in MY opinion… bear with me for one more paragraph… but in my opinion, I got another “sign.”  I saw a little girl getting out of her car as we arrived.. who looked JUST LIKE VERLANDE.. looked like her, but no… even more: she MOVED like Verlande, which is very low/bent knees/hips moving and busy body-ish.. always on the go with a bit of personality in her movements… I said, “ry- look at that girl- looks like Verlande.” And he smiled and said he had already thought that.  So we go down to the beach area, after a few minutes of getting set up/not even in the water yet, something gets my attention from the side, and there she is.. the little girl with beads in her braids.. coming to me smiling, outstretched hand (no friends,, I am NOT joking) saying, “come.”  I would have loved to see my eyes.. I swear they just got wide and this little angel girl is coming up to me, showing me to have patience… to KNOW and KNOW FULLY…. Things are good and they WILL happen… honestly I can’t even remember what she wanted to show me!  (I told her mom why I looked so AMAZED by her approaching me)….Phoebe and I went to swim in the water, and on our way back in, looked up to see…. A bit of our future….

PRESS ON…

Have Persistence,

Stay patient…

Work hard…

One step at a time.. it all does lead to big things..

Keep true to what you know is the right thing… don’t have doubts… it is and will be good.  Maybe not every step, but in the end.. it is as it should be.

THE journey continues…  Thanks friends, for always letting me share my stories!

my race for the journey... EAGLEMAN 2012

So, this is going to be a post not about adoption.... or is it??!!
I have my big race of the year in 10 days.  Eagleman Half Ironman.  Iv'e done this race for years, it has crushed me sometimes.. yea  most of the time:).....I've also done real well... but it is a race that is kinda meant to crush:)  so let's be honest.. it has never "felt" great.. although I've been close to top 10 in age group (11th and 16th.. pretty good for a race that is so well known/attended, etc)... so what that I need to be top ONE in my age group to qualify for Hawaii... and yes this is my GOAL.... why would I NOT strive for the top, right??? 
So let's get back to why I'm writing this on Verlande's blog:).... well... in many ways, the story of adoption has mirrored the story of a race.. a long.... looong... LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG race... a hot one that crushes me sometimes.... it is about slogging through it, being strong, one step in front of the other, and NEVER GIVING UP.  So that is my paralell.... along with the fact that I won't be doing this race next year.  Verlande will be home.  (I'm nervous saying that, but Ryan seems convinced that I CAN say this now)... I'm still nervous... so you probably won't hear me verbally say that.. but I digress...

So this race is even MORE improtant to me this year.

I've trained for this race since 1/1/12... (well not really, I was in Haiti that day).. but yes, since the beginning of the year... that is not to say that everything has been magical about my training!  This year has been rough healthwise it seems... (knock on wood no back problems keeping me on the couch this year, so that was where i was last year)... but I've struggled w/ low energy, sinus, kids sick, crazy 3:00-4:00 sickness that leaves me starting the hour feeling fantastic and by 4:00 I am in a fever and body aches??  who knows.... BUT despite that, I've been training, and training for this race only.  We don't have money this year for me to race once/month like I like to...  so this is it. one race.  one trip.. kids "vacation" weekend..  here it is.. make it happen sharon..

I look back at my training log, and it has been strong.  At times I have been so excited, I've told Ryan, "maybe this is the year where everything can come together!"  By coming together, I mean:
Swim:  moderate - feel strong and don't lose energy- my swim is my weakness, so don't stress that half the field is in front of you, you'll make it up as long as you don't worry.  but do stay strong and on course.
BIKE:  historically I am top 3 in age group on bike.  I want this to be my best bike year.  I want to average as close to 23 mph for the 56 miles as I can.. I want to stay focused, I want to not give up despite that patch of like 15 miles where the road is ROUGH ROAD and there is always a headwind and I feel like I am going nowhere, and I have been known to occassionally make a big GRRRRRRRRRR noise just to break up the monotony of my race:)  and yes it makes me smile after I growl and get a little second wind!  I want to stay AGGRESSIVE... mostly since I had to call Ryan to come pick me up off the bike a few days ago becuase my body felt shaky and I was worried I was going to tip over, I don't want to be AFRAID... YOU CAN DO THIS, I HAVE TRAINED THIS BODY.  I will be saying that over and over.
RUN:   and this is where the race begins... well.. hold that .... last year I reminded myself "the race doesn't begin until halfway through the run (mile 6.55).... this year I am smarter:)  The race this year will not begin for me until mile 10... although mentally I keep pushing that back to mile 9.. stay smart sharon.. mile 10 is when your race is.. don't be impatient.... (remember the corrolary to the adoption... this is where the PATIENCE FACTOR COMES IN..).. yes, this is where patience, persistence, PAIN, Heart, Soul, maybe tears come in... and I am prepared for that..  I have shed many of those in the past 21 months... I'm prepared because this is all I have- ALL OF ME.  This race can take it.  I am giving everything of myself to this race, to these 5 hours (ok.. there it is:  MY TIME GOAL.. and of course a time goal in a race like this varies according to wind, temperatures, etc etc.. but yes.. I aim to be as close to UNDER 5 hours as possible!!)  I would love to be UNDER 8 min average for the run.. as close to 1:40 as possible...  so that is steady, strong.... when your skin and body feel on FIRE... (and guys.. yes, this is all within limits, don't get me wrong, if I don't feel good, I'll take care of myself)... but when I feel that maybe you can see the HEAT rising off my body.... that is where one of my mantras will come in... "Run as if your A*^ is on fire"... or heels.. ... don't be afraid of it, embrace it.. this is what it is... this is what I KNEW it would be.. this is what I signed up for, yes this is what I paid for.. yes this is our VACATION:)  *(yikes). 

I will use all that I've learned.
I will be grateful for all that I have.  I will run for those who cannot run.  I always dedicate some of my miles to some special people in my heart.... and that will be the same this year.... for every bit of pain I  might feel is nothing in comparison to what some people endure.  A mile in 95 degrees... I'VE GOT THIS.. Another mile in 95.. GOT THAT TOO... BECAUSE I CAN...
I will run for Verlande... I will run because her journey hasn't been a piece of cake.... and I will embrace her spirit of joy on the run-- after all that her early years have brought her, I will try as I might to mimic her spirit of joy, her energy despite it all.  I will remember in the hot rubble filled orphanage (more like "enclosure") where I first met her... and the COLOR and LIFE that she brought to that place... with her eyes... with her smile.... and I will continue. 

I will run because all I ever wanted was to go to Haiti to be one of the many who wanted to HELP... and I had no idea how it woudl change me.... and how it turned into so many people HELPING ME.. helping me continue, both in donating to our cause... and yes.. this has been a miracle, because this is all that allowed us to continue.. but also those that ask.. those that well up tears in their eyes at the excitement of meeting us at the airport someday, those who just meet my eye.... and understand... and give me that boost.. those who I've met "virtually" who are also adopting.. and have allowed me to NOT BE ALONE ANYMORE... to regain faith in the process, in the people....

This race is a journey... it is more than a race... yes, it'll come down to fitness, but it'll also come down to my strength of mind... and I will use all that I have.

I will remind myself... when I see others stopping and walking.... that doesn't mean I need to stop and walk.
I will remind myself of the many rides/runs that I have come home from.... and in an attempt to show my kids that this sweaty mess of a mom is not CRAZY... have screamed from the sidewalk "EAGLEMAN"  so they can hear me if they are jumping on the trampoline in the back, or have screamed EAGLEMAN from the treadmill in the basement upon pushing the STOP button after a successful run... I will remind myself of the feelingn of successfully completing what I had set out to do... and THIS DAY WILL BE NO DIFFERENT.. yes... I will be that mother that will scream "EAGLEMAN" (if I have energy left) as I come in to the finish line... to ensure that my kids look and think that this type of suffering is actually fun:)
I will have no regrets from this race.. no hindsight wishing I had eeked out maybe 10 more seconds per mile faster...  there will be NO regrets.. I will be honest with myself.
I will open my heart and shoulder blades, and love the journey and breathe. 
I will feel the connection with the heat, the sun, the blazing pavement.... and I will PASS BY THE SNOWCONES THIS YEAR- NOT RISKING STOMACH ISSUES AGAIN!
I will keep each mile as fast as I can, in a smart way, because 13 miles in 1:44 is honestly so much easier than 13 miles in 2:14.... I will promise myself that I can immediately immerse myself back in the Choptank River as soon as I cross the finish line:)
I WILL continue to ask myself, "IS THIS YOUR BEST".... and ensure that the answer is YES... or adjust and make that happen... because there WILL BE NO REGRETS!
I WILL put the energy into the last half of the run.. knowing there will be no next year Eagleman....  We WILL HAVE VERLANDE HOME BY THEN....!!! (right Ry?)
I WILL be true to my sense of gratitude for  my life, my movement, for my family that has allowed me time to train, friends who have pushed me, listened to me, accepted me fully.... and I will RUN THANKFULLY... 

It has been forever since I posted.  And we wait:) and wait:)
and now we will re-do some things since they have expired.. so we can wait more:)
It is all good though, here is a quick synopsis:

We apparently have "cleared" IBESR and are now waiting to get President Martelly's signature for dispensation (because of biological children).  Then we go back to IBESR to get their final stamp, and then it has to be PUBLISHED.  When we get this published we will get a phone call and should be prepared to make a flight down to Haiti asap.

So this is great news that we have made it initially through IBESR and are now just waiting on the dispensation/printing of that.  IBESR has closed until end of July and are trying to get caught up on all of the backlog that they have, which is very smart.  It sounds like they are trying to do good.  We're glad (and hoping it is in fact true) that we did get through IBESR so far... and are waiting for signature.  We just have to pray and pray that the right thing happens.  That we can be signed off on QUICKLY.  then PRINTED.  Both of those steps have taken for some families over a year.  I don't know why.  I don't think that is the rule.  I think it is the exception.  And I'm praying that that is not us.  My "goal" (should I have learned by now that you don't set goals for Haitian adoptions.... ahhhh.. ) is that we get printed by end of July and have to travel for our next step right away in August, and we can pray that our timeline just goes so smoothly for the rest... and that maybe Verlande with some MIRACLE could be here by Xmas.  I will tel you that is highly unlikely, but at this point, i need to dream that.  More realistically, she may be here next spring.

In the meantime, in making sure we are READY TO TAKE OFF TO AIRPORT as soon as we get the phone call, I had a feeling I hsould check my bin of Haiti paperwork.  Long story short= a good thing.  Our fingerprints are set to expire on July 4th, in order to redo those, we need to redo our homestudy (update it)..  (yes, an update cots $600 apparently) as well as redo: bank forms, medical forms, TB tests for us, social services fingerprinting, fairfax county fingerprinting, (seriously, again it amazes me... do these various fingerprinting departments within our country not have access to each others-- wouldn't the FBI's fingerprint check be the most extensive, but I digress, and will plan to waste days to travel to these various locations to ensure that i have STILL not been arrested)... oh, and now we need driving record again, all sorts of things.. AGAIN....oh, and the lady will come again to check us and our house and make sure we are decent.  So, today I am honestly overwhelmed by this.  This paperwork and the ABSURDITY OVERWHELMS ME.  It does.  Overwhelms me to the point of honestly freezing me.  It's like I have no idea how to get a start on all of this redoing paperwork becuase I'm so frozen thinking how this has all gone.  How hard it has been to help a child.  How wrong it is.  But it is what it is, and I will continue to shuffle along and do all of these silly things.  Because it is for Verlande.  Because she deserves that.  Because in going through some pictures in my bin from paperwork, I found a picture that i cannot get out of my mind.  A pic of Ryan holding Verlande while she has these scared and sad eyes .... I think it was after one of her good cries...and it just reminds me of how much she needs us.  yesterday.

Anyway, this is just an update to say.... we're still waiting... But now working again while we wait:)
Off to paperwork checklists I go again... I don't have enough on my plate, right? 
:)

In terms of a marathon.....

April 6, 2012:  2 months down.

As of today, we are 2 months in IBESR.  I’ve been waiting for this 2 month day… so that I can wait 1 more month and on the 3 month day, email our agency to see if they’ve heard anything.  How silly.

I’ve been all sorts of in a bit of a funk today….. embarrassed as I am to say, I really am truly wanting a miracle… and I somehow really thought maybe by the 2 month, we’d find out that we just got through to the presidents desk to sign for dispensation (I know, another 6-8 months? Wait).. but I secretly had hopes of a miracle. HA.  So yea, my mind was all annoyed, impatient, struggling today.  We’ve not been able to skype w/ verlande for about a month—we have had short glimpses of her over skype, but the connection has been bad since Haiti had the earthquake 4 weeks ago.  So I really miss her, and I’m frankly impatient.  I had been working on my patience, then this past month I admit that I got on this roll where I decided “patience is overrated”…. And really believed it… Ihave been trying to be “obedient” to waiting for God’s time for the past 18 months… I’ve been trying to learn this skill that I truly am horrible at—horrible at patience, always have been…

For some reason, this past month, I decided I needed to stop focusing on patience… that it was okay to become impatient again.  I’m not sure why.

Then today… I don’t know why it hit me.. but I realized how SILLY my thoughts have really been.  I coach people running marathons and triathlons—what do I ALWAYS tell my marathoners (and myself)—do not EVER even mentally consider the first 10 miles of a marathon!  HOW SILLY.. can you IMAGINE??  How depressing—you’re at mile 2, great, 24.2 left!  ABSURD!!! So WHY am I thinking of this 2 month time today.. !!!!!!  We truly are still at the time that I can’t even THINK about time!!!  My first 10 miles is really getting to the presidents desk… mile 10-18 will be getting dispensation/getting it printed (maybe 10-20 actually)… then 20-24 miles will be Parquet/ MOI/ mile 24-26 is VISA/PASSPORT!!! And the .2 is the airport /customs, etc!!!!  I honestly think I can work so much better putting it in these terms.  So I need to let it go. 

We hope to skype w/ Verlande on Sunday... we'll try again.
Oh Dear Verlande, we love you and pray you are staying strong.