EAGLEMAN 2012…. It came together for me this year!

As usual, I’ll try to be brief, and as usual, I’m sure you may wonder why it is so long.  I am upping the ante here and adding pics.  Honestly, even if you don’t read this, scroll to the last paragraph and pic.

First off- the morning started off great with the most spectacular of sunrises.  Seriously.  The day was already made for me by this.  Spectacular, miraculous, and one of my favorite things… speaking of… as I sat next to phoebe before the race on a rock waiting for my wave to go off, she asked me “What is your favorite thing about the world?”  Ok ok so… NO.. she doesn’t usually as such thought provoking questions, but then again it was super simple to answer.  I told her my favorite thing was all the people that I love in the world.. and that just started the day off great,  reminding me of things that really DO matter.. that this was just a race.  I had a great, very settled attitude going into the race.  Which reminds me why I love training so focused, hard, and disciplined:  I love going into a race with no questions- no worries.. it’ll play out how it does, and I know I have done EVERY SINGLE THING I can to prepare.

 So.. my wave started.  I missed hanging out w/ Catherine during the 6ish minutes we are out there treading water (among other things)!! The race started and I had probably 3-4 minutes of PUMMELING.  I hated it.  I was getting kicked and  BLEGH – started in a bad place apparently.. people were all coming INWARDS from both sides.. I should have chosen one of the SIDES.  Ok.. lesson learned.  My wetsuit was also bothering my neck, I was like getting choked by it.. so I had to stop and PULL it out away from my neck to get more breathing room.. and it was better, I got into my groove and it ROCKED—I hung onto a pretty good swimmers feet for the swim portion and I KNOW this helped me.. I was very happy.. I felt strong, but I have also felt strong in other years and havne’t gotten the time I thought I would, so I wasn’t sure if I might be under 40 minutes or … please please don’t’ let me be over!! And I was under in 36 minutesJ  YAHHOOOOOO!

Up to transition, wetsuit off good since I cut off the bottom calf part more last year, helmet, sunglasses, race belt on and OFF, put my shoes on AS I biked.. and it was good, very good… I started immediately strong.  I had gone over 5 ways during the bike portion- each to cut off 60 seconds that just “sneak up” on you.  One of these ways was to not “dilly dally” (thanks Dad for the great word) through the neighborhood section.  So I went strong and didn’t take seconds off of the corners.. started strong (I figured, 6 turns here, it’s easy to “let go of” 10 seconds each.. and there you have it- 1 minute.  I knew I wanted my best time- 2 years in a row I did the whole 56 miles at 2:35 and a few seconds… and I did nOT want anooooooother of the same result.  Then settled in, and felt great from the get go.  I felt strong, on top of my legs, I drank only water for 30 minutes, to let my stomach settle from the swim, then did 30 minutes of eating 4 fig newtons plus water, then 1 hour of perpetuem.  Then the final 30 minutes of water plus power bar (yum.. although I was TOTALLY FORCING myself to eat… I’m glad I did.. I had realized in my training I wasn’t eating enough to PERFORM—yes.. there was a reason ryan had to come pick me up 2 weeks ago- and if that reason was because I wasn’t eating enough, then I needed to elarn from that.  So hopefully I have!  The bike this year was much better than last year in terms of people staying RIGHT when needed- except one time on the course I had to tell some guys to stay right unless passing/ repeated it 2x, then said “I’m serious- GET OVER!”… I do not want to use my brakes on a flat during a race!  It was windy, but I was prepared mentally- sometimes the wind  combines with the rough road and I feel like GRRRR.. just want to be OFF bike already.. but today I reminded myself to WELCOME IT- that is where I can really thrive- is pushing the bike, and that just gave me a good opportunity… every bit of suffering adds up to show what you’re made of, right?  Well, I at least convinced myself of that!  Every 10 miles, I also stood up out of saddle and powered through the road for about 1 minute.. I hate sitting down so much on the saddle..  Ohh, and I had to go pee also.. but didn’t, I knew I didn’t want to stop.. and the course was too crowded, and I also don’t know how to relax enough to do that.. (TMI, sorry).

I knew the last 10 miles I just had to keep steady to get my goal:  2:30 for 56 miles.  I stayed strong, kept focused even on the small aspects, form, stretching, and continuing to RACE, not just push har, but truly RACE IT.. and I did.. 2:30 bike time, OHHHHH happy happy day!!!!  22.3 miles/hour… YES!

T2: ohhhh, so much so much fun!  DYNOMITE song was on.. and honestly couldn’t help myself had to sing a few “if I told you once” and “dynomite’s” and maybe a quick little shoulder boogey while getting my fuel belt and shoes on! But of course I was serious and mostly just trying to keep myself mentally “light,” upbeat, and patient.

Run: but that DYNOMITE attitude was quickly a bit squelched in the first few steps—I was a bit worried- I didn’t feel super strong running the first 5 minutes.. and it was… HOT.. of course… right, it is eagleman, so it HAS to be around 95, right? So I was hot and worried I would overheat.. but knew right away.. DO NOT RUIN IT.  The race has not even started yet (my goal was to not “mentally start” my race until mile 10 of run… I know I know… 4:30 in, right)..so I kept steady.  There was a girl that passed me and I was like NOOOO… she looked fine.. but then I passed her in somehow the next minute and never saw her again.. I think this helped w/ my confidence and reminded me:  do not ever give up… mile 1 in 7:50.  So it wasn’t as bad as I thought.. it just felt HOT

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Miles went along and of course I just made it mile by mile- averaging between 7:45 to 8 min mile pace… one ice stop to the next- every one, I would get 1 cup of ice to put down my sports bra swimsuit, and at least 1 ice water cup to take a few sips of and douse my head with.  I found this probably saved me- the pouring it over my head- I always have done this at EM.. not like it is something totally new.. BUT.. I really try to freeze my body with this as much as possible.. so that it actually hurts from the cold… and a few times it SO SO did.. and I really used that frozen feeling to focus on/ to visualize me just thawing from that “freeze”..

I found my form,, and my cadence was ON.. I could feel it.  I was passing people through the miles. Was great.  I drank 1 water flask to start with (in addition to stops) and at mile 4 had my first clif block.  I actually ate it with an ice chip from my swim suit, and it ended up being nice, like a “frozen treat”, so I kept adding ice chips to prolong the block!  During those first 4 miles, maybe 5.. I also kept taking a piece of ice from my suit and holding it and squeezing it in one hand, then when I couldn’t take it too much  more, put it in the other hand, and that also helped me feel like I was cooling off (or frankly maybe just gave my mind something to focus on)started at mile 5 doing HEED sports drink and kept this up through mile 10, then back to water (I brought 3 of my own flasks) and also had water from the aid stations.

I was worried so much at the beginning of the run, but really kept my mind focused with so  many tricks that I had planned previously to help with the run:*first, at mile 3, I was “happy” to get to the 3^rd mile, but I reminded myself.. that is just another step, just another mile.. I reminded myself to think of it like a Haiti adoption and being “happy” about one step, but also knowing that there is sooooooooo much more….. yea, we are in IBESR.  Plod along people.  3 miles in.. fantastic..  continue.  And I reminded myself to NOT  STOP EVER.  This was NOT meant to be easy – I told myself to not walk a step—I knew my goal was UNDER 5 hours for total time of race.. and I said over and over to myself “people who go under 5 do NOT WALK”…. Run along. 

I reminded myself of the people I was doing this for…of the chance that I had to be moving.

I reminded myself of the breeze I felt every once in a while, and that I didn’t even have that breeze when I had been training on the treadmill w/ no fan.. I reminded myself that I had PREPARED FOR THIS.. and there would be NO REGRETS.. and I sped up. 

Made it to 8 miles.. another block/ice chip mixture. Yum.

Mentally set myself forward to look for 10 miles (where the race started, right)…  and there it was, a 5K left, and 26 minutes to get UNDER 5 hours…  ok.. this is what I have been training for- all those runs where I made myself eek out a HARDER INTENSITY at the last few miles.. bring it on…  I reminded myself of how much it would suck to be like 1 minute or 1:45 OVER 5 hours..  My legs were beginning to scream, and I mentally screamed right back at them… .lovingly.. but let them know that they WERE.NOT.DONE.YET.

I asked myself every step, “is this your BEST, Sharon Adams.. is this your BEST”, and I made sure it was.

I knew it was going to be close.  1 mile to go, I generally knew I could do it, it was possible if I WENT NOW. Go go go… go go go.. too close for comfort.. so I did.. I ran like my ass was on fire… I also couldn’t wait to pee… my arms had a steady cadence, I reminded myself to lean, to move my arms and my body would follow, to breathe, to ROCK THIS… I couldn’t look at my watch for last ½ mile, I did not want to waste even that one second!!  I knew one of my feet had been a bit rubbed raw- my shoes are the Zoot tri shoes, but with the amount of water you pour over yourself in 13 miles, it still gets wet and sloshy a bit in there… but I knew there was no comfort in slowing down anyway, so I made a conscious decision to just not feel that…..

I picked up everything I had left for last ¼ mile, saw Ryan, Phoebe and Forrest along the fence- gave phoebe a high five and HURRIED to the finish, looked down to 4:59!! (to find out later 48 seconds)!!!  I WAS SO HAPPY!!!

Oh yea.. and this year, they had DIET soda’s… so I got twoJ

I feel so great after this race- I feel a huge sense of satisfaction that IT ALL PAID OFF.

EVERYTHING:  the past YEARS of doing this race, learning about this race, plodding through some years just suffering and surviving…  everything including all the workouts, on tired days, cold days, treadmill runs with no fan, boring REPEATS of a flat 6 mile bike loop (the only one I could find with not many hills to prep for a flat course—yes doing 9x this 6 mile loop)… everything meaning learning from my disappointments, learning from my journey… connecting this Eagleman journey to my life journey- presently our adoption journey.. and the symbol I see is that it all does matter.  The little things, the sacrifices, the perseverance… It reminds me to NEVER GIVE UP.   It reminds me that persistence, passion and hard work lead to good things… that results CAN COME!

I finished the race, found out I got 8^th!!!!  So happy to break into the top 10!  We left, got some food (I didn’t think I could keep any of the food that was at the finish line down.. ) and we went to a little beach area….  And … in MY opinion… bear with me for one more paragraph… but in my opinion, I got another “sign.”  I saw a little girl getting out of her car as we arrived.. who looked JUST LIKE VERLANDE.. looked like her, but no… even more: she MOVED like Verlande, which is very low/bent knees/hips moving and busy body-ish.. always on the go with a bit of personality in her movements… I said, “ry- look at that girl- looks like Verlande.” And he smiled and said he had already thought that.  So we go down to the beach area, after a few minutes of getting set up/not even in the water yet, something gets my attention from the side, and there she is.. the little girl with beads in her braids.. coming to me smiling, outstretched hand (no friends,, I am NOT joking) saying, “come.”  I would have loved to see my eyes.. I swear they just got wide and this little angel girl is coming up to me, showing me to have patience… to KNOW and KNOW FULLY…. Things are good and they WILL happen… honestly I can’t even remember what she wanted to show me!  (I told her mom why I looked so AMAZED by her approaching me)….Phoebe and I went to swim in the water, and on our way back in, looked up to see…. A bit of our future….

PRESS ON…

Have Persistence,

Stay patient…

Work hard…

One step at a time.. it all does lead to big things..

Keep true to what you know is the right thing… don’t have doubts… it is and will be good.  Maybe not every step, but in the end.. it is as it should be.

THE journey continues…  Thanks friends, for always letting me share my stories!

my race for the journey... EAGLEMAN 2012

So, this is going to be a post not about adoption.... or is it??!!
I have my big race of the year in 10 days.  Eagleman Half Ironman.  Iv'e done this race for years, it has crushed me sometimes.. yea  most of the time:).....I've also done real well... but it is a race that is kinda meant to crush:)  so let's be honest.. it has never "felt" great.. although I've been close to top 10 in age group (11th and 16th.. pretty good for a race that is so well known/attended, etc)... so what that I need to be top ONE in my age group to qualify for Hawaii... and yes this is my GOAL.... why would I NOT strive for the top, right??? 
So let's get back to why I'm writing this on Verlande's blog:).... well... in many ways, the story of adoption has mirrored the story of a race.. a long.... looong... LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG race... a hot one that crushes me sometimes.... it is about slogging through it, being strong, one step in front of the other, and NEVER GIVING UP.  So that is my paralell.... along with the fact that I won't be doing this race next year.  Verlande will be home.  (I'm nervous saying that, but Ryan seems convinced that I CAN say this now)... I'm still nervous... so you probably won't hear me verbally say that.. but I digress...

So this race is even MORE improtant to me this year.

I've trained for this race since 1/1/12... (well not really, I was in Haiti that day).. but yes, since the beginning of the year... that is not to say that everything has been magical about my training!  This year has been rough healthwise it seems... (knock on wood no back problems keeping me on the couch this year, so that was where i was last year)... but I've struggled w/ low energy, sinus, kids sick, crazy 3:00-4:00 sickness that leaves me starting the hour feeling fantastic and by 4:00 I am in a fever and body aches??  who knows.... BUT despite that, I've been training, and training for this race only.  We don't have money this year for me to race once/month like I like to...  so this is it. one race.  one trip.. kids "vacation" weekend..  here it is.. make it happen sharon..

I look back at my training log, and it has been strong.  At times I have been so excited, I've told Ryan, "maybe this is the year where everything can come together!"  By coming together, I mean:
Swim:  moderate - feel strong and don't lose energy- my swim is my weakness, so don't stress that half the field is in front of you, you'll make it up as long as you don't worry.  but do stay strong and on course.
BIKE:  historically I am top 3 in age group on bike.  I want this to be my best bike year.  I want to average as close to 23 mph for the 56 miles as I can.. I want to stay focused, I want to not give up despite that patch of like 15 miles where the road is ROUGH ROAD and there is always a headwind and I feel like I am going nowhere, and I have been known to occassionally make a big GRRRRRRRRRR noise just to break up the monotony of my race:)  and yes it makes me smile after I growl and get a little second wind!  I want to stay AGGRESSIVE... mostly since I had to call Ryan to come pick me up off the bike a few days ago becuase my body felt shaky and I was worried I was going to tip over, I don't want to be AFRAID... YOU CAN DO THIS, I HAVE TRAINED THIS BODY.  I will be saying that over and over.
RUN:   and this is where the race begins... well.. hold that .... last year I reminded myself "the race doesn't begin until halfway through the run (mile 6.55).... this year I am smarter:)  The race this year will not begin for me until mile 10... although mentally I keep pushing that back to mile 9.. stay smart sharon.. mile 10 is when your race is.. don't be impatient.... (remember the corrolary to the adoption... this is where the PATIENCE FACTOR COMES IN..).. yes, this is where patience, persistence, PAIN, Heart, Soul, maybe tears come in... and I am prepared for that..  I have shed many of those in the past 21 months... I'm prepared because this is all I have- ALL OF ME.  This race can take it.  I am giving everything of myself to this race, to these 5 hours (ok.. there it is:  MY TIME GOAL.. and of course a time goal in a race like this varies according to wind, temperatures, etc etc.. but yes.. I aim to be as close to UNDER 5 hours as possible!!)  I would love to be UNDER 8 min average for the run.. as close to 1:40 as possible...  so that is steady, strong.... when your skin and body feel on FIRE... (and guys.. yes, this is all within limits, don't get me wrong, if I don't feel good, I'll take care of myself)... but when I feel that maybe you can see the HEAT rising off my body.... that is where one of my mantras will come in... "Run as if your A*^ is on fire"... or heels.. ... don't be afraid of it, embrace it.. this is what it is... this is what I KNEW it would be.. this is what I signed up for, yes this is what I paid for.. yes this is our VACATION:)  *(yikes). 

I will use all that I've learned.
I will be grateful for all that I have.  I will run for those who cannot run.  I always dedicate some of my miles to some special people in my heart.... and that will be the same this year.... for every bit of pain I  might feel is nothing in comparison to what some people endure.  A mile in 95 degrees... I'VE GOT THIS.. Another mile in 95.. GOT THAT TOO... BECAUSE I CAN...
I will run for Verlande... I will run because her journey hasn't been a piece of cake.... and I will embrace her spirit of joy on the run-- after all that her early years have brought her, I will try as I might to mimic her spirit of joy, her energy despite it all.  I will remember in the hot rubble filled orphanage (more like "enclosure") where I first met her... and the COLOR and LIFE that she brought to that place... with her eyes... with her smile.... and I will continue. 

I will run because all I ever wanted was to go to Haiti to be one of the many who wanted to HELP... and I had no idea how it woudl change me.... and how it turned into so many people HELPING ME.. helping me continue, both in donating to our cause... and yes.. this has been a miracle, because this is all that allowed us to continue.. but also those that ask.. those that well up tears in their eyes at the excitement of meeting us at the airport someday, those who just meet my eye.... and understand... and give me that boost.. those who I've met "virtually" who are also adopting.. and have allowed me to NOT BE ALONE ANYMORE... to regain faith in the process, in the people....

This race is a journey... it is more than a race... yes, it'll come down to fitness, but it'll also come down to my strength of mind... and I will use all that I have.

I will remind myself... when I see others stopping and walking.... that doesn't mean I need to stop and walk.
I will remind myself of the many rides/runs that I have come home from.... and in an attempt to show my kids that this sweaty mess of a mom is not CRAZY... have screamed from the sidewalk "EAGLEMAN"  so they can hear me if they are jumping on the trampoline in the back, or have screamed EAGLEMAN from the treadmill in the basement upon pushing the STOP button after a successful run... I will remind myself of the feelingn of successfully completing what I had set out to do... and THIS DAY WILL BE NO DIFFERENT.. yes... I will be that mother that will scream "EAGLEMAN" (if I have energy left) as I come in to the finish line... to ensure that my kids look and think that this type of suffering is actually fun:)
I will have no regrets from this race.. no hindsight wishing I had eeked out maybe 10 more seconds per mile faster...  there will be NO regrets.. I will be honest with myself.
I will open my heart and shoulder blades, and love the journey and breathe. 
I will feel the connection with the heat, the sun, the blazing pavement.... and I will PASS BY THE SNOWCONES THIS YEAR- NOT RISKING STOMACH ISSUES AGAIN!
I will keep each mile as fast as I can, in a smart way, because 13 miles in 1:44 is honestly so much easier than 13 miles in 2:14.... I will promise myself that I can immediately immerse myself back in the Choptank River as soon as I cross the finish line:)
I WILL continue to ask myself, "IS THIS YOUR BEST".... and ensure that the answer is YES... or adjust and make that happen... because there WILL BE NO REGRETS!
I WILL put the energy into the last half of the run.. knowing there will be no next year Eagleman....  We WILL HAVE VERLANDE HOME BY THEN....!!! (right Ry?)
I WILL be true to my sense of gratitude for  my life, my movement, for my family that has allowed me time to train, friends who have pushed me, listened to me, accepted me fully.... and I will RUN THANKFULLY... 

It has been forever since I posted.  And we wait:) and wait:)
and now we will re-do some things since they have expired.. so we can wait more:)
It is all good though, here is a quick synopsis:

We apparently have "cleared" IBESR and are now waiting to get President Martelly's signature for dispensation (because of biological children).  Then we go back to IBESR to get their final stamp, and then it has to be PUBLISHED.  When we get this published we will get a phone call and should be prepared to make a flight down to Haiti asap.

So this is great news that we have made it initially through IBESR and are now just waiting on the dispensation/printing of that.  IBESR has closed until end of July and are trying to get caught up on all of the backlog that they have, which is very smart.  It sounds like they are trying to do good.  We're glad (and hoping it is in fact true) that we did get through IBESR so far... and are waiting for signature.  We just have to pray and pray that the right thing happens.  That we can be signed off on QUICKLY.  then PRINTED.  Both of those steps have taken for some families over a year.  I don't know why.  I don't think that is the rule.  I think it is the exception.  And I'm praying that that is not us.  My "goal" (should I have learned by now that you don't set goals for Haitian adoptions.... ahhhh.. ) is that we get printed by end of July and have to travel for our next step right away in August, and we can pray that our timeline just goes so smoothly for the rest... and that maybe Verlande with some MIRACLE could be here by Xmas.  I will tel you that is highly unlikely, but at this point, i need to dream that.  More realistically, she may be here next spring.

In the meantime, in making sure we are READY TO TAKE OFF TO AIRPORT as soon as we get the phone call, I had a feeling I hsould check my bin of Haiti paperwork.  Long story short= a good thing.  Our fingerprints are set to expire on July 4th, in order to redo those, we need to redo our homestudy (update it)..  (yes, an update cots $600 apparently) as well as redo: bank forms, medical forms, TB tests for us, social services fingerprinting, fairfax county fingerprinting, (seriously, again it amazes me... do these various fingerprinting departments within our country not have access to each others-- wouldn't the FBI's fingerprint check be the most extensive, but I digress, and will plan to waste days to travel to these various locations to ensure that i have STILL not been arrested)... oh, and now we need driving record again, all sorts of things.. AGAIN....oh, and the lady will come again to check us and our house and make sure we are decent.  So, today I am honestly overwhelmed by this.  This paperwork and the ABSURDITY OVERWHELMS ME.  It does.  Overwhelms me to the point of honestly freezing me.  It's like I have no idea how to get a start on all of this redoing paperwork becuase I'm so frozen thinking how this has all gone.  How hard it has been to help a child.  How wrong it is.  But it is what it is, and I will continue to shuffle along and do all of these silly things.  Because it is for Verlande.  Because she deserves that.  Because in going through some pictures in my bin from paperwork, I found a picture that i cannot get out of my mind.  A pic of Ryan holding Verlande while she has these scared and sad eyes .... I think it was after one of her good cries...and it just reminds me of how much she needs us.  yesterday.

Anyway, this is just an update to say.... we're still waiting... But now working again while we wait:)
Off to paperwork checklists I go again... I don't have enough on my plate, right? 
:)

In terms of a marathon.....

April 6, 2012:  2 months down.

As of today, we are 2 months in IBESR.  I’ve been waiting for this 2 month day… so that I can wait 1 more month and on the 3 month day, email our agency to see if they’ve heard anything.  How silly.

I’ve been all sorts of in a bit of a funk today….. embarrassed as I am to say, I really am truly wanting a miracle… and I somehow really thought maybe by the 2 month, we’d find out that we just got through to the presidents desk to sign for dispensation (I know, another 6-8 months? Wait).. but I secretly had hopes of a miracle. HA.  So yea, my mind was all annoyed, impatient, struggling today.  We’ve not been able to skype w/ verlande for about a month—we have had short glimpses of her over skype, but the connection has been bad since Haiti had the earthquake 4 weeks ago.  So I really miss her, and I’m frankly impatient.  I had been working on my patience, then this past month I admit that I got on this roll where I decided “patience is overrated”…. And really believed it… Ihave been trying to be “obedient” to waiting for God’s time for the past 18 months… I’ve been trying to learn this skill that I truly am horrible at—horrible at patience, always have been…

For some reason, this past month, I decided I needed to stop focusing on patience… that it was okay to become impatient again.  I’m not sure why.

Then today… I don’t know why it hit me.. but I realized how SILLY my thoughts have really been.  I coach people running marathons and triathlons—what do I ALWAYS tell my marathoners (and myself)—do not EVER even mentally consider the first 10 miles of a marathon!  HOW SILLY.. can you IMAGINE??  How depressing—you’re at mile 2, great, 24.2 left!  ABSURD!!! So WHY am I thinking of this 2 month time today.. !!!!!!  We truly are still at the time that I can’t even THINK about time!!!  My first 10 miles is really getting to the presidents desk… mile 10-18 will be getting dispensation/getting it printed (maybe 10-20 actually)… then 20-24 miles will be Parquet/ MOI/ mile 24-26 is VISA/PASSPORT!!! And the .2 is the airport /customs, etc!!!!  I honestly think I can work so much better putting it in these terms.  So I need to let it go. 

We hope to skype w/ Verlande on Sunday... we'll try again.
Oh Dear Verlande, we love you and pray you are staying strong.

STEP 1: IBESR! WE ARE IN!

February 6, 2011:
we entered IBESR (Haiti Social Services)!!!
Praise God!  We are so thrilled, I don't even have words!  We have been working on this... yes, this first step... for nearly 18 months.  We never were sure that we would actually GET to this step.  There were significant hurdles, moments of despair, but everything showed us a renewed and strengthened commitment that we are meant to be Verlande's parents. 

We could be in this step for "approximately" 6 months.. (seriously... dont' ever trust a Haitian timeline)... a miracle could be 4 months???  but we also know that realistically, people have had struggles at this stage also.  We will pray, and please please pray for us, for Verlande, for the people doing this work in Haiti, getting to their jobs, having the energy and strength to work on these children's cases, for the honesty of the system, and the list goes on... of course:)

Either during this step, or afterwards, we will have to get a "presidential dispensation" from the President of Haiti because we have biological children... (and it is against the law for some reason to adopt from Haiti when you have bio kids, however it happens, you just have to get this signature)... It is somewhat unclear if this HAS to happen while in IBESR or not... we are praying for speed, smooth timing, and also for political "calmness" and nothing to happen within the Haitian government outstanding, so that nothing is put on hold.  For us, since we need this dispensation, that would not be good.

When you enter IBESR, you have 12-18 month "timeline"... again.. I have learned over hte past 18 months that it is really frankly SILLY to talk times.  I dont' feel comfortable with that, but at this time, I am too caught up in our excitement of being in IBESR to worry about times.  I'm sure in 4-5 months I"ll be getting a little impatient... (or maybe another month!)  we'll see... Patience is a work in progress with me.. I know I have alot to learn, but I also think it is a bit overrated when there is a 7.5 year old waiting for a forever family, home, and soft blankets and teddy bears to sleep with, holidays to celebrate, a brother and sister waiting for her, etc.

After IBESR, we go to Parquet Court, so Ryan and I need to travel to Haiti IMMEDIATELY upon getting the phone call..... (so grandparents.... we'll be calling.. ha ha!!  we won't be taking the kids to Haiti this young, I am not comfortable taking them to a place with a State Dept travel warning, although other families do this and haven't had trouble.  I don't think our kids would be good with it.  They are both rule followers and frankly would freak out by  not having seatbelts/carseats/.... there are so many scenarios that I can see not being good!)  I can't wait to get this call!

Thanks, as always, to those of you who we know are behind us the whole way, who I sometimes break down to, who have sensed my gradual loss of hope, and have strengthened me and brought me such strength.  A funny thing was that the night before we got this phone call, we were reading the kids a bible story that talked about praying and asking God for help when you need it, and just a simple reminder about the power of prayer.  I kind of had this thought of, "I haven't really been praying about this lately as much, I haven't really been ASKING, and so I did ASK God that night for something to show me a signal that we are doing the right thing and this is the path to follow" and the next morning we got the phone call.  Amazing.

hair stress!

I just got some great resources off of some other yahoogroups, blogs pertaining to "chocolate hair for vanilla mama's!"
I SOOO will need help with this, so here is a beginning list and I am sure I will be updating and adding to this list also!  Email me if you know of resources, products, etc!
http://www.youlittlerascal.blogspot.com/2011/09/hair-care-for-new-vanilla-mamas.html
http://youtube.com/katelynylyn
http://tweenyhair.blogspot.com/
youtube:  girls love your curls


I can't wait until that is my biggest concern, HA!  Funny what the length and difficulty of the adoption process does to your perspective!  I will want to make sure I can do Verlande's hair great, but right now it seems so distant!

I hope someday, and I know at this point it is over a year away, but I hope sometime we are ready to travel to bring her home and I actually feel worry on this part!! WOO HOO!!

Happy 2012... what will this year bring?? we have no idea!!

2012 :  STARTING THE NEW YEAR W/VERLANDE!

What a great start to 2012 that I got to visit Verlande in Haiti.  I was nervous about the trip since I was going by myself, but once the trip actually started it was A-OK fine and I just was “in it”—much better than thinking about it…

It all started out with much fanfare as I traveled the night of 12/31…. So had a happy New Year’s in the Miami Airport… was hoping to hunker down to at least a few zzzzz’s in one of the chairs there… however, those Miami airport workers are very festive….. the countdown to the ball dropping was being yelled out by some workers/ I was in front of a TV and I saw an older airport worker meandering around 2 younger workers and when the ball dropped, he outstretched his arms to them, hugged them, blew kisses to me, I blew kisses back… it was very cute…. Then the airport vehicles that they use to transport elderly or injured people were zooming around all night having a party—those things were beeping all night and you could hear cheers all night.  Zero sleep for me… that is okay.

So the morning of Jan 1, I flew into Haiti.  2^nd time coming in with NO LINES @ customs… hurray!  It was great.. right on through.. got suitcase and ran out the door in excitement to go see Verlande hopefuly there waiting!!  And she was.. I saw who I thought was Eliette, looked down to make sure there was a little girl there, and CUTE/BEAUTIFUL LITTLE VERLANDE WAS STANDING AT THE FENCE… I ran up saying “verlande verlande!” and she was so happy, she ran around the fence, jumped on me, her legs around me, jumping up and down IN my arms saying “ mommy  mommy mommy”!!! it was great.. smiles all around, I was so happy, (and sweaty, I still had a coat on from the airplane and Port au prince was like 94 this day)…. It was great, we got to the car and went to Bresma Guest house where we were to stay!  It was great great great.  Verlande was happy, smiling, I was happy, she sat in my lap- of course no seatbelts in Haiti… why bother, right!

In the guest house, it was immediately just the two of us! We went about starting our few days of play:  started jumping rope, I got out some of the books that I brought for her,, and she wanted to sit down immediately and read together.  It was immediately fun, comfortable, natural.

Verlande looked very healthy- she is still very small.  I don’t know if she has grown in height at all, she is very short for 7 (phoebe is 6.5 and is very tall for her age, but as a reference is over a head taller than her)… Her energy is good, she looks healthy.  Her English is AWESOME.  We were able to speak together the entire time- no problems.  Some of the staff at the house were commenting also on how good her French was, and she was very proud of her languages, telling people, “I speak Kreyol, I speak French, and I speak English.” 

And she loves loves loves taking showers/baths.  Hilarious.  She took 2-3/day.  And when she took them, they were showers AND baths, and they were FULL OF SPLASHING, laying down in the tub and rolling around and generally appearing as a fish!  It was hilarious.  She always wanted me there with her, to wash her back with soap for her, etc.  It was one of the things I remember vividly from our first trip with her(loving the bathtub) and it was so funny that it is still that way.  And… every time she took a bath, she needed to paint her fingernails again and again with the polish I brought for her!  She.loved.it. LOVED.IT.!!!

She let me help her with her hair the first morning I was there- we just did 4 big braids, she would not let me try to do the rows that I so have practiced over and over on phoebe’s hair…. I was a little bummed, I wanted to “take care of her” and feel like I could do whatever she needed, etc… but that was okay…. She wanted the girls that were the staff people to do her hair, and they were nice enough on the last day to do it for her.

Her eating seemed to be a bit better- she is still right at the height of the table with her mouth so I definitely did see her just put her mouth to the edge of the plate and push a bunch in, as she was doing last time.  She also occasionally still would fill up her mouth to the point of not being able to breathe or chew, and I tried to gently remind her to go slowly, and I could tell she was trying.  She loved the apples that I brought for snacks, but she did the same thing again with these: would eat a bite, but in her mouth take the apple off of the skin, then hold the  skin in her hand or a napkin…(she also pretty much ate the entire core… I think… she was eating it sideways and then the next thing I knew she was just holding the stem!)  the 2^nd day, I told her I was going to cut her apple into pieces, and I did—when I did this, she would eat the apple “normally” (meaning not discard the skins) (of course I wanted her to get the nutrients in the skin)… Rice and meat are still her favorite, and she really puts those down.  She also loves plantains, and they were great.. I didn’t eat any fruit or veg on the trip except the apples I brought and also bananas they had there.. and my stomach lasted the entire time, so hurray again!

The things she loved the most while I was there were MANY!

*she loved books, and could read a good amount (in English… so I was pleasantly surprised at how much she has learned)! She ADORED the 3 little pigs and the BIG BAD WOLF book- she loved loved loved to say (that about the wolf “ and he huffed…. (and her eyes got all big and huge) and he puffed… (and she was poised to burst out laughing now!).. it was great.. We read big bad wolf about 25x while I was there. She also read dora, and I thought it was great when she was reading books that she was completely reading… even if she didn’t know what the word meant in English yet, she was totally reading and I’m so proud of her.  She spends so much of her time working on the workbooks that we send, and it seems to be paying off.

 

I also brought a matching game for her that she loved—all these nationalities of faces- about 50 cards and you put them face down, turn two over and try to match them. She was AWESOME at this,, I had to actually put forth some good effort so that I was in even the REALM of where she was playing this!  Again, we played this A LOT, as in an hour at a time probably!  She kept wanting to “ganye” (win) and play again and again.  How can you say no to that humongous smile and laughter!  That is what I was there for- it was great- no work to do , and I just did what she wanted to play!

And yes…. She was meant to be my daughter.. she adores exercise…  I came up with an exercise “schedule” for her—something written down.. I brought her a ping pong racket and balls (we just called it tennis to keep it simple), she danced to music I brought for her, jump roped, she did a lot of yoga/sun salutations with  me, she was great, handstands and cartwheels.   And she was excited to have a list of what things to do each day.  Her back, in my opinion, is going to become a problem for her at some point- she is VERY much swayback/lordosis in her lumbar spine, so I gave her little ab crunches to do also, which she saw me doing.. she also can seriously… I have no idea…. But she can seriously crank out sets of 20 pushups at a time.. I’m not so sure how her upper body is so strong, it is really out of proportion to her size/ not even sure where she learned pushups, but she seems to thrive on exercise… sound familiar?!!!

Oh, and she loves so many things.. she loves SOCKS… you should have seen just how happy she was, sitting in one of Phoebe’s princess nightgowns (it is very handy that we can give her clothes from Phoebe due to their size differences), and in a pair of white socks on her feet.. she would always say, “I like this”… she told me how cozy it felt!  I taught her how to make friendship bracelets, and yes, did I mention that she showers every few hours!!  The last day I gave her a kids computer, and I was so glad I saved it to the last day- she loved it and was engrossed in that for the last few hours, which at that point was fine, I was a bit distracted and probably at that point also shutting myself off for various reasons…. Knowing that I was leaving/ the unknown of some information I had found out, etc…She is 100% open and outgoing, and a bit flirtatious.  We would be sitting on the balcony at a table doing books or games and one of the very nice staff people that opens the sliding gate to the property was down stairs and Verlande would say,, “Willar, Willar, are you there Willar??!!??!!”  Verlande could make everyone smile.  She is well loved.  Our driver, Franck, would also be there, cleaning the truck/making sure it was working, and she would also go to the edge of the balcony calling out…. “monsier Franck, hello monsier Franck” with a little wave.. it was quite hilarious.  She brings people together, and just makes things fun.

Her facial expressions have continued to be adorable, and her sense of humor and laugh seem to allow her to connect easily.  Each night, the chickens that lived next door would begin their morning crowing or coc a doodling at 2am.. yes… and we would talk about it during the day (when they were still coc a doodling) and make these funny faces and just laugh laugh laugh… it felt so good to just laugh with her.  Ahhhh how I wish things were that easy.

Of course not everything was completely rosy….

Verlande definitely did not want to be told to do anything, or to not do anything.  I was trying to keep some of the toys/things I brought spread out over the days I was there, but she knew there was more in my suitcase.. she would try to open it to get at them and I said, “no later” and she would cry and be very sad/mad that I had said no…  This happened with little things… it was hard not having Ryan to be there, to know that I was doing the right thing by not just letting her do /have everything at any time, etc… but I know I have to begin to be a real mom to her, and that may mean she cries.  She also would cry at night.  We had in the room a bed- queen size, that ryan and I slept in our first time there, but of course he wasn’t there this time, so she told me that she wanted to sleep in it with me.  So I told her okay, as long as she went to bed/sleep that we could.  But she would cry at night, juts as she did last time.  I would hold her and tell her I’d rub her back, I said it was okay to cry, I wasn’t sure really why she was crying, and at times thought maybe it was turning into a laugh??  It was like a forced cry to see if I would take care of her maybe?  And just when I thought it may be a completely fake cry, and I’d ask, can I hold you and she said yes, her body would go into the LIMPEST state ever.  As in a body that literally was devoid of any muscular activity holding it together.  It was very weird, it was like not even a baby is that limp, I’m not even sure how she did it, but she was like a big limp noodle. And she would just curl up on my stomach/chest and cry; I’d put a wet washcloth on her and she liked that.  I asked her when she was able to talk if she was sad and she said no.  I asked if she was scared, and she said yes.  So I’m not realy sure if she knew what she was saying, or scared of what… but there were hard times.

Also, of course I should know to be prepared for anything in Haiti… to find out anything that may rock my world…. And so it was…. We do not have Verlande’s  parents’ marriage cert.  They couldn’t get it, or the date was not wrong, or maybe the marriage was never legalized….  so now we are going a different route, which means that we need to change the birth certificate.  After sitting on this for a week, we just had a conversation with our agency because this sure does sound fishy to us…. It sounds like it is legit and that it will take anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 months. Ha.  And so it goes.

(and there is really a lot more emotion in that then “and so it goes” but I try try try to be patient).

One of the days I was there, her father Vernet, as well as her grandmother (father’s mom) who she lived with from age 2 to the earthquake in Jan 2010, came to see her.  She was very excited and I was just glad to see her so excited.  Her dad has done everything he has needed to do for us, and we are so thankful.  I truly believe with every single bit in me, that all he wants is the best for Verlande.  Id on’t quite understand the Haiti culture, and why Verlande’s two brothers still live with him (it is not a house, it is a tent, so not good conditions and no food for them either), but Verlande does not.  Maybe it is that he wants to protect his daughter who is younger/ not have her live in this environment, maybe he doesn’t feel he knows how to care for a girl, I don’t know.  But I do believe, and I am so glad that this is my belief, that he thoroughly loves her with his whole heart.  And I believe that Verlande understands this as much as she can right now and understands that this is how it is, and that he wants better for her.  That is the truest love, isn’t it.  What was amazing about the visit was her grandmother.  When we went down to see Vernet and the grandmother, Verlande brought one of her dolls.  Her grandmother, for the entire time they were there, sat, and literally held the doll as if it were a real baby.  She propped it up in the crook of her arm like a baby, rested it’s head, bounced it, adjusted it’s hands/feet/dress, and her eyes were on this doll literally 95% of the time.  She rarely looked up, but seemed to be completely taking care of this “baby.”  It was sad to me.  So much love it seemed, but sometimes that isn’t enough?  As sad as it seemed to watch, it also was reassuring to me- I have the hope that Verlande was loved and held all those years that she was with her grandmother, which probably also helps her be as cuddly and touchy as she is   now.  Verlande will sit on your lap, hug you, hug you TIGHT, hold hands… she definitely doesn’t appear to shy away from contact, which is a positive sign that I hope continues over the next few years.

Verlande is just a little sprite, so small and full of energy, and ready to cuddle, love and be loved.  Leaving at the airport was not as hard as the last time I don’t think. 

It was CHAOS there… quite scarey frankly, and I was holding tight to my suitcases, kissed her, gave her something I had saved for this last minute, and made sure Eliette was holding tight to her… it definitely was frightening (if you go to Haiti, the people who are dressed in “uniforms” at the airport.. apparently are NOT airport workers, they try to get your money and things. Do not ever let them / anyone help you with your bags, hold on tight and just keep walking… and WHITE KNUCKLE that passport!!)

So where are we going now.  We have to redo Verlande’s birth cert. now.

Crazy.

But it is what it is.

It could take 2 weeks or 2 months… (we are told)…

And hten we enter IBESR, which will be approx. 6 months…. (?????) and then MOI, then VISA’s, passports, so we are no further… but.. was good to see her and we will continue the fight for Verlande.

She’s our girl.