RANDOM MUSINGS FROM… ALMOST THERE.
So people had mentioned back in November that this last part
was the hardest part of the adoption… because you are soooo close. I’ll admit, I kind of got mad to hear
that. Annoyed. Even HURT.
Why would someone tell me that, after all that I had been through. After being at the BOTTOM of despair,
seriously. I’ve got this, thank
you.
Crap. They were
right, and I cannot believe I have to say that.
I literally WAS expecting joy, continued relief, even redemption of the
journey. And I find I’ve hit the bottom
again.
Yes, I am here today.
Oh God, again. Why is our
daughter not home. Am I really asking
that. It is February. I’m sad and missing my daughter. Yes, I’m busy with Phoebe and Forrest, busy
with life, work, everything. But busy
is different than not waiting.
I never dreamed, and I would have judged. I never dreamed that a Mom’s heart could so
passionately love without carrying inside of me. I would have judged that it couldn’t be so
hard…. If it never has been right? She
has never BEEN HERE. We’ve never known
life WITH our daughter in her home, how can I “miss her.” I would have judged. I only know now because here I am… and I am
struggling.
I grieve for the years that she has lost having a
family. I grieve for her heart that
knows she was left and abandoned, and for her heart that questions if we are
really ever coming… and when we do for the lack of trust if we are staying… if
she is deserving… I grieve for time
that has been taken from us together by what I see as excess “investigations”
throughout these years. Seriously. I grieve for the simple days that we will
never have because time has gone by… even though I praise God that I KNOW she
WILL come home.. I miss the days that she has missed here. Picnics that she has missed with us, summer
days at the pool, playing on the swingset, nighttime books, afterschool snacks,
walking with the dogs, church, grocery shopping….. I love these things
with my children… I just watch them and
see MIRACLES and am so thoroughly thankful for what I HAVE…that I miss what we
have NOT had with Verlande.
I woke up today, after two days of beginning to feel myself seeping back into panic mode, anxiety,
when will this ever end… what do I say
to Phoebe and Forrest, who have been expecting their sister, praying for their
sister… I woke up with my heart tearing, and literally with a huge BOULDER on
my lungs… it amazes me how my body can literally feel these things. But I made a conscious choice to CHOOSE my
day . I have a choice to be overcome
with heaviness, or I can live TODAY and be glorious and joyful. Verlande will not come home any sooner if I
wallow in sadness, so live TODAY. Right?
I tried. And then I hit the bottom of
what I could do.
Tears streaming down my face, headache that has been
pounding since last night (maybe I am just sick and that is why my emotions are
overcoming me?)…. I had to lie in bed and just let myself cry, and I am not out
at the ice skating rink with school ice skating night tonight.. (although I
love going ice skating) I just know I cannot continue to live today in a way
that is not genuine. I hate it that I
cannot fake things. It simply depletes
me. I have no energy for fakeness. I am
who I am. I feel things, I am
passionate, I struggle with anxiety and
depression, and I am simply desperate
for our daughter to come home.
Yesterday, on the way home from work in the AM, it was
pouring rain, still dark outside (6:45AM) and I got to an intersection and
there was a woman walking in the rain.
She had on a huge coat, and was carrying a teeny flashlight. My thoughts were negative towards her, I’ll
admit…. I was thinking, “seriously lady,
get a real flashlight and why the heck are you walking NOT on the side of the
road with a sidewalk (this was Reston parkway, so a busy road, and she was
walking by this corner that has NO edge on the road—super dangerous area to
walk even in daylight)… so I was kind of just watching her slightly, then my
thoughts drifted to… what IS she doing? Why
is she out there- does she maybe NEED something? And then it happened. She just stopped walking and stood by my car,
looking in at me.. through the darkness, through the rain… and I am looking
back at her.. and yes, she is looking right at me… she is looking right INTO my
eyes… and I am questioning if I am really seeing this right, is she really
looking right at me… and WHAT DOES SHE NEED?
Do I ask her if she is okay, can I drive her somewhere, she is still
staring at me.. I haven’t put my window down, DO I HELP HER????? I am still
looking at her, and she is still looking at me. THE LIGHT TURNS GREEN. And I DROVE OFF. I freaking drove off. And that kind of rocked my world. I drove off.
(and you are wondering how this relates to Verlande)… well….Through the adoption, I have had the
question asked a few times, “why we wanted to adopt since we already have our “own”
children.” And it boggles my mind that
people even ASK me this… First of
all *WHY NOT?
But mostly…. It brings me back to August/September 2010,
after meeting Verlande. I had a childs
eyes, beautiful eyes….. on my heart…. And I didn’t know what to do… but I knew
I would not drive off on this child… who I knew was my child… and no matter
how much these years may have rocked my world, driving off would
have been incomprehensible to me. (so
yes… I am still slightly rocked by the woman in the rain… who was she… was that
REAL? And… why… why did I drive off).
Anyway. I sometimes
wonder and worry that something horrible is going to be happening in my life
that is going to require this huge strength and faith in order for me to
survive… why else am I being asked to
build these foundations… that is just me being nervous nelly though, I suppose.
Bottom line… I’m struggling, I miss Verlande, and we could
not be more ready for her to come home.
I envision her sitting next to me on that plane, lifting off, flying
through the beautiful sky, coming home.
Forever.
(this helped me to write this all out, so thank you if you
are still reading and didn’t mind reading itJ!)
Xoxo, sharon
“A person who lives in faith must proceed on incomplete
evidence, trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse.” - Philip Yancey
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