February.... random thoughts from.. almost there?

RANDOM MUSINGS FROM… ALMOST THERE.

So people had mentioned back in November that this last part was the hardest part of the adoption… because you are soooo close.  I’ll admit, I kind of got mad to hear that.  Annoyed.  Even HURT.  Why would someone tell me that, after all that I had been through.   After being at the BOTTOM of despair, seriously.  I’ve got this, thank you. 

Crap.  They were right, and I cannot believe I have to say that.  I literally WAS expecting joy, continued relief, even redemption of the journey.   And I find I’ve hit the bottom again.

Yes, I am here today.  Oh God, again.  Why is our daughter not home.  Am I really asking that.  It is February.  I’m sad and missing my daughter.  Yes, I’m busy with Phoebe and Forrest, busy with life, work, everything.   But busy is different than not waiting. 

I never dreamed, and I would have judged.  I never dreamed that a Mom’s heart could so passionately love without carrying inside of me.   I would have judged that it couldn’t be so hard…. If it never has been right?  She has never BEEN HERE.  We’ve never known life WITH our daughter in her home, how can I “miss her.”  I would have judged.  I only know now because here I am… and I am struggling.

I grieve for the years that she has lost having a family.  I grieve for her heart that knows she was left and abandoned, and for her heart that questions if we are really ever coming… and when we do for the lack of trust if we are staying… if she is deserving…   I grieve for time that has been taken from us together by what I see as excess “investigations” throughout these years.  Seriously.  I grieve for the simple days that we will never have because time has gone by… even though I praise God that I KNOW she WILL come home.. I miss the days that she has missed here.  Picnics that she has missed with us, summer days at the pool, playing on the swingset, nighttime books, afterschool snacks, walking with the dogs, church, grocery shopping….. I love these things with  my children… I just watch them and see MIRACLES and am so thoroughly thankful for what I HAVE…that I miss what we have NOT had with Verlande.

I woke up today, after two days of beginning to feel  myself seeping back into panic mode, anxiety, when will this ever end…  what do I say to Phoebe and Forrest, who have been expecting their sister, praying for their sister… I woke up with my heart tearing, and literally with a huge BOULDER on my lungs… it amazes me how my body can literally feel these things.  But I made a conscious choice to CHOOSE my day .  I have a choice to be overcome with heaviness, or I can live TODAY and be glorious and joyful.  Verlande will not come home any sooner if I wallow in sadness, so live TODAY.  Right? I tried.  And then I hit the bottom of what I could do.

Tears streaming down my face, headache that has been pounding since last night (maybe I am just sick and that is why my emotions are overcoming me?)…. I had to lie in bed and just let myself cry, and I am not out at the ice skating rink with school ice skating night tonight.. (although I love going ice skating) I just know I cannot continue to live today in a way that is not genuine.  I hate it that I cannot fake things.  It simply depletes me.  I have no energy for fakeness. I am who I am.  I feel things, I am passionate,  I struggle with anxiety and depression, and  I am simply desperate for our daughter to come home.

Yesterday, on the way home from work in the AM, it was pouring rain, still dark outside (6:45AM) and I got to an intersection and there was a woman walking in the rain.  She had on a huge coat, and was carrying a teeny flashlight.  My thoughts were negative towards her, I’ll admit…. I was  thinking, “seriously lady, get a real flashlight and why the heck are you walking NOT on the side of the road with a sidewalk (this was Reston parkway, so a busy road, and she was walking by this corner that has NO edge on the road—super dangerous area to walk even in daylight)… so I was kind of just watching her slightly, then my thoughts drifted to… what IS she doing?  Why is she out there- does she maybe NEED something?  And then it happened.  She just stopped walking and stood by my car, looking in at me.. through the darkness, through the rain… and I am looking back at her.. and yes, she is looking right at me… she is looking right INTO my eyes… and I am questioning if I am really seeing this right, is she really looking right at me… and WHAT DOES SHE NEED?  Do I ask her if she is okay, can I drive her somewhere, she is still staring at me.. I haven’t put my window down, DO I HELP HER????? I am still looking at her, and she is still looking at me.  THE LIGHT TURNS GREEN.  And I DROVE OFF.  I freaking drove off.  And that kind of rocked my world.  I drove off.

(and you are wondering how this relates to Verlande)…  well….Through the adoption, I have had the question asked a few times, “why we wanted to adopt since we already have our “own” children.”  And it boggles my mind that people even ASK me this…  First of all  *WHY NOT?

But mostly…. It brings me back to August/September 2010, after meeting Verlande.  I had a childs eyes, beautiful eyes….. on my heart…. And I didn’t know what to do… but I knew I would not drive off on this child… who I knew was my child… and no matter how  much these years  may have rocked my world, driving off would have been incomprehensible to me.  (so yes… I am still slightly rocked by the woman in the rain… who was she… was that REAL?  And… why… why did I drive off).

Anyway.  I sometimes wonder and worry that something horrible is going to be happening in my life that is going to require this huge strength and faith in order for me to survive…  why else am I being asked to build these foundations… that is just me being nervous nelly though, I suppose.

Bottom line… I’m struggling, I miss Verlande, and we could not be more ready for her to come home.  I envision her sitting next to me on that plane, lifting off, flying through the beautiful sky, coming home.  Forever.  

(this helped me to write this all out, so thank you if you are still reading and didn’t mind reading itJ!)

Xoxo, sharon

“A person who lives in faith must proceed on incomplete evidence, trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse.”  - Philip Yancey

Verlande's bio family

Verlande’s family…

I wanted to write down most of what I remember from our visits with Verlande’s bio family in Haiti.

We feel so lucky to have been able to spend some time with Verlande’s birth father, and two brothers in Haiti.  Her birth father, Vernet, from the beginning of our adoption process has been positive, eager for Verlande to have a better life, completely reliable in everything we needed to have done, and I feel so lucky to have such a positive perspective on him. 

  From the beginning when we were finding out if Verlande’s birth mom and dad were wanting her to be adopted, we heard that he had smiled and raised his arms and said “Praise God” or “Thanks to God” and was so happy for her.  When we went down in March 2011 to have her custody transferred from the orphanage that he had placed her in, which was not a certified crèche that adoptions are allowed from, to the care of Eliette who has taken care of her in her home for almost 2 years now, he was always there when he needed to be.  He had all of Verlande’s documents sealed in this huge ziplock bag inside his backpack, and it was a picture I will never forget.  Here is this man, with NOTHING, no home, clearly not enough food, no posessions… a dingy, dirty backpack…. But he had taken great care to keep her documents water tight, in his possession.  If he had not had these documents, it is possible that Verlande would be considered, under Haiti’s laws “unadoptable.”  We were so glad he was careful in keeping these things.  When we met him the first time, it was at the airport when Ryan and I had come in to Haiti in March 2011 when Verlande was taken out of the horrible orphanage she was in.  Eliette had surprised us, and gotten Verlande out early so that Verlande was able to MEET US at the airport!  It was incredible!  I will never forget her in her bright green shirt and purple skirt we had sent her, these green bows in her hair (where do they get thos beautiful ribbons in Haiti, is there a “ribbon store” somewhere), her braids, and of course her giving me a huge hug, walking back to Eliette asking, “is this my new Mommy” and then walking back to me to give me another giant hug.  We got into the van and Vernet and Verlande’s uncle were in the very back.  I didn’t know if these were people who just needed a ride, but after a few minutes it was told to us that this was her father!!! So we were shocked and (unprepared) and although we didn’t know much Creole at all at that time, and he doesn’t know any English, we were able to speak with smiles, eyes, handshakes… And it was okay… I couldn’t believe how okay it was.  Riding in the van to courts with him that weekend, you could clearly see that he was in a bad place.  He would sleep a lot in the van ride.  He probably wasn’t used to being in a van, driving around.  We had brought extra power bars for everyone and he had one.  We went back to have a big lunch at Eliette’s house, and he had a bowl of the stew that was made.  Verlande got a 2^nd bowl and Verlande and her son were saying “no no no” to Verlande because she was walking it outside, out the door, but Verlande has  a way about her… her mind is set sometimes, and her mind was set… and she continued right out that door despite all the commotion of saying no to her carrying this nice bowl of soup…. 

And Ryan and I didn’t know what to do exactly… and then we all watched her go out to her Dad, and give him this 2^nd bowl of soup.  Which he was clearly thankful for.  She knew.  And she had just taken care of her Dad.  There was another time when we needed some additional document from her dad, and there had been a delay.. and I just didn’t have a good feeling… I finally, after waiting too many months, realized what my worry was…  I realized that I had so much confidence in her dad—that I bet he really hadn’t KNOWN/BEEN CONTACTED to understand that we needed this document.  So I called our agency, and said, “I KNOW (emphasis on KNOW) tht if Vernet knew we needed this, he would have it there TOMORROW”.  Can someone call him, speak in Creole so he HEARS it… he will be there.  Sure enough.  It was done within the week.  We have been so lucky to have h is blessing, support, and his amazing love for Verlande—that he brought her to an orphanage so she could have care better than what he could provide, so that she could have at least meals, and that he loved her so much that he gave her to have a better life, and opportunities.

 

Verlande has two older biological brothers.  Their names are Anvilo and Venaldo. (spelling may be wrong).  They are the sweetest boys, and it was the hardest thing on my heart to meet htem.  So here it is….. honestly…. I would take them home in a second… less than a second… if it were possible.  Those boys were just plain ole SWEET.  And how they loved their little sis Verlande.  During one of the days that we had to go to court with Vernet, her brothers came, and we met them for the first time.  They live with Vernet, never lived in the orphanage, but despite living under a tarp, they came with these clean white shirts.. .buttoned sky high up to their necks… and jeans that were so small on t hem that half of their calves showed… sitting in the van, they were behind us and we would be looking at them and trying to use oru limited creole, playing hand games with them- all of the usual non- language oriented communication things.  Their eyes.  Yes, it was a repetition of when I met Verlande.  They all have the same eyes.  Verlande showed them the doll that we bought for her, and one of her brothers, I cannot remember and would be guessing which one if I told you… just loooooved holding this doll, beyond belief.  He was mesmerized by it, and I don’t think he put the doll down for maybe an hour.  He was so quiet, softspoken, serious, very EXTREMELY intelligent, I think.  Her other brother, also seemed so bright, and was more outgoing, more similar personality to Verlande.  Ohhh, this all just broke my heart.  My heart and mind and everything inside of me was just racing by the end of the day, thinking, “what are we doing”—these are her bio. Brothers- we cannot take her away from them… I was in tears.  

We had a conversation with Eliette about what was right- were we doing the wrong thing maybe, maybe it would be better for Verlande to stay in Haiti….

At the bottom.....

And yes, folks... we have reached the bottom...
We were not approved for our I600 last week.  We have found out that we are lucky that we did not receive an "intent to deny" from USCIS.  Instead, we have questions to answer regarding Verlande's transfer of custody, the nature of the work that her caretaker does, funding questions, transfer of custody dates and reasons, etc... All of this should be able to be answered by the orphanage director in Haiti, and we are told to "give them time and space" to accomplish this.  So we wait.

We found out last Monday, and last week was rough.  I did spend an entire day in bed crying.  I kind of  "allowed" this of myself-- I knew I was going to be way down, and rather than having expectations of myself being strong and then having stress at not being able to function normally, I kind of just allowed myself this day, and then said to myself, "self... get yourself up and carry on."  And  I did.  It doesn't mean that my heart hasn't been so heavy, but after that day, I at least have been functioning.  At times I am in a state of shock and despair and have these heart flutter things where I am in like a cloud listening to people talk about things that to me right now seem so fluff.  At times my insides are screaming out, "HOW CAN THIS BE".... and again I reminded of such a state of impossibility-- how is it that I see airplanes in the sky, and one cannot just go pick up Verlande and bring her back over that ocean to me.  (or me to her).  This weekend, we didn't go out to get her a winter coat as planned.  We may not need it.  And this did crush me.

But at times, I also realized that it is during these times of deep doubt and terrible depths, that I am asked to live out my faith.  This is when truly believing is REAL.  It is so easy to believe in God and His miracles when things are going swimmingly along, sending us from one agency to the next, to the next step, and the next.  But when we are STOPPED..... where do we really turn, and what do we really believe.  And I have searched my soul and I know it IS good.  I know that we WILL be ok, that Verlande will come home, and it will be okay.  I feel myself trusting during these moments (no... they are not constant.... but I realize where my heart has come over the last 2.5 years that I am even at this place to be able to trust and KNOW...... even for moments of time)...I feel myself releasing into the trust that I am not alone, and that it is okay.

Ohhh, don't be totally fooled, someone posted on facebook that I was being so patient and strong and I LAUGHED loudly.. haha.. that is funny, because I feel so opposite.  I dont' even want to be patient, I HAVE BEEN!!!  But it has been a positive to feel prayers and support of friends, I have *accepted help* yes... believe it or not, I said yes to someone bringing me coffee and also yes to someone bringing me soup over... (slightly worried that by accepting this help I was crying out "look at me God, look at me!! I have learned to take help! Let her come home now, God, look at me!!)... but in all honesty, it was a good step for me.  I really hate having people have to bring me stuff, I love to bring other people things, but when it is reversed, I have too much guilt over it.. but yes, I accepted help!!  (look at me, learning:)!)

We have no idea where we are.  Maybe we will hear tomorrow that they fixed it and we are approved.  Maybe we will have to wait to find out anything, we have no idea.  So after 2.5 years, here we are... Please keep us in your thoughts....xoxo

Waiting

You would think over the past 2.5 years, I would have learned to wait better.
nope.. I think I'm still pretty horrid at it, maybe I've improved a little.. but once my impatience grows, I find myself going back to my worries, fears and frustrations.
We have now been in USCIS for 3 weeks and a day.   I want to be out, but the reality is, maybe we are only halfway there (and there is more waiting to be done after this).  (that is pitiful).

You know what is the hardest thing?  I think it is great to have great hopeful exciting news- but it brings expectations, and there is no room in a Haitian adoption for expectations.  I should have no room in my brain for a single ounce of a thought of what SHOULD happen, right?  i mean, imagine if things went as they should. (haha).

We had heard some great situations about people getting I600 approval very quickly in a matter of 10-15 days, and then Visa appointment in 10-15 more days, and i thought, AHA!  They've learned how to do this!  Here we come to the finish line, let me research airplane flights!  Well, no. That should NOT be my expectation- I should either expect the WORST or just simply nothing at all and see what happens and be just grateful for that.  I am finding that hard.  I've always been too much an up and down person.  And here is the perfect example- I get hopeful, I get excited, I saw a miracle, yes yes yes!  and then I must erase that from my brain and more important, my HEART.  My brain was excited, but then in the past few days, my HEART got excited, and a few things today reminded me.  do not be excited yet.  Be calm.  Plod along with no expectations, it will come, just not in YOUR time.

This is the hardest thing I've ever done probably in my life.  But it will be worth it when our family is together, which is why I get excited at the mere prospect of getting to the next step.

I don't even know if I will know what to do in my life if I am not m waiting for the next step of this adoption!  It has been one big wait wait wait.... (x 1,000,000,000,000 more waits) then YES, you are on to the next step.. be happy and content for 9 -11 days, then start to grow anxious for the next step, and repeat.

I am asking anyone that prays to pray for us to have Verlande home in the next 4-6 weeks.... if you don't pray, please just envision it for us.... or just email me... I'll be on my email hitting the refresh/inbox button periodically and scanning through my spam folder to make sure I have not received an email from USCIS..

Thanks for letting me vent about waiting.

Dreams of a Haitian Girl

We skyped with Verlande last week, which we feel so grateful to be able to do.
She showed us a picture of her sitting on Father Christmas' lap (santa clause), which was adorable.  She looked huge actually... it always scares me to see her getting so big.  We have missed so much.  But it is okay because it will be SOON now!
I have been thinking more and more about her sitting on Father Christmas' lap, and wondering what she told him that she wanted.  That was something that when I first visited Haiti, I had such wonders about.... what do these people hope for, what do they dream of?  Or  do they not even think this way?  I am sure they do to some extent though, even if their life is more of a day to day survival situation.  And it worried me that I shouldn't even wonder what they dreamed of.... maybe they really had it figured out- be happy IN THIS DAY, be in the now.  Anyway, it brought those questions back to my mind, and I wonder what Verlande dreams of, what she used to dream of, if she has thoughts about what her life might be like, etc.

We are still in USCIS, I am eager for tomorrow, January 2nd, and for hopefully people at the embassy to get BACK TO WORK and approve our case, sending us on for VISA appointment!  I don't know if it will happen this week, I don't know if it will not even happy IN January.... and yes, I have MUCH anxiety about this.  I am praying for early, but to some extent, able to just let it be and let it happen when it is supposed to happen.

We are excited and really working to make this last part of the wait useful, we have Phoebe's room really divided up well I think and labelled- so Verlande will knwo where her pants go, and where phoebe's go, and where each kids shirts/sweatshirts go, and so forth.  They each have their areas, and Phoebe has been really nice about helping figure out how to do this and clearing space and putting up labels for Verlande with me.  The kids made Verlande a "welcome home" sign for the airport and I bought a little flag to put on the poster, the kids are trying to learn  a few Creole words and I am trying to once every day or every other day, talk to them about some questions they may have, or some reminders of things that will have to be changed for a bit when she comes home.  We have some winter clothes and sneakers for Verlande, a backpack for school, her bed is set.  we are ready... APPROVE our I600!! :)

This time last year, January 1st... I went to Haiti to visit with Verlande.  I was there one year ago... with her... I had no idea it would still be over a year.... (and that is a good thing probably).  what a difference this New Years- I have HOPE.  I have COMPLETE FAITH that THIS WILL HAPPEN.  I know we will have ups and downs, but I have known that Verlande was my daughter since I saw her, and I know we will be okay.  This is going to be okay.  I know that when she comes ho me this year, there will be ups and downs.. When Verlande comes home, our REAL journey begins... I don't expect perfection, I just expect REAL... and I love real.  I can do real.  The word I am choosing to have as my overall 2013 word is LOVE.  I will strive in all I do to be strong with love in my heart, and also soft with love in my heart.  I will need both.  I have such excitement for this year!
Happy New Year!

On the USA- side of the process...

And we are now in USCIS... (as of Tuesday, December 18)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am elated.  We got the passport and all documents translated back to english and are on the USA side of the adoption.
I am also full of anxiety.  So many people... frankly everyone... has been saying how this is "the longest part".... "the hardest part"... and that scares me.  I don't have much left in me.. I'm scared of being heartbroken in this final stage.  I fieel like it has worn me down and I don't know what will happen to me or my heart if we get "stuck" somehow.  If 5-7 more weeks turns to 10 weeks... I want it all to be so benchmark (or above average for speed, of course above average right.... )...I'm scared by how awful everyone has made the last part seem.

Part of me feels like it is OK.
TOTALLY OK... we KNOW we are going to be OK now.
We know now that she will come home.
Now it is all about impatience.. and frankly I can take that!

I feel a glimmer of hope as I am busy getting so many things "ready"... knowing that I am SURE we will be SO not ready.. after all these years, you would think I'd be totally on top of it all.. but I don't think that is POSSIBLE...
But, I am trying to organize -- to label where things go so that it is a bit clear for her.. of course we will show her, but just so it eliminates any confusion with things since she'll be sharing a room with Phoebe... I'm trying to organize "systems" and schedules-- how we do things so that hopefully they can just "run" seamlessly..
HA.. now isn't THAT funny... (as if that will happen.. or has ever happened in our family yet...)  but hey, I try.
I'm trying to make sure she has enough clothes to keep her warm, butnot too much in case I am guessing sizes wrong, making sure we have HAIR STUFF, doctors appointments lined up, dentists, health insurance ready to change (ok I haven't even mentioned that to Ryan yet so good thing I am typing this)...  trying to look early at flights, to get my work schedule ready to be a bit "flexible" without losing classes or clients!
Trying to anticipate food:  having apples, rice, chicken snacks ready, healthy plans, but also being ready to be somewhat flexible as she adjusts to our food...
trying to keep things the same for the kids as much as possible... but also every day to remind them of something for when Verlande does come home... that Phoebe should tell me if Verlande wants to sleep in her bunk with her (becuase she canNOT sleep on the top.. she is a disaster while sleeping- completely flailing her body into walls... I joke you not.....), to make sure Forrest doesn't use "made up words" that he uses sometimes being funny.. but Verlande will start to think those are real words.... to have discussions with Ryan to make sure we are on the same page with:  no TV unless I am doing her hair (we do let the kids watch shows, but there are numerous reasons we are doing this rule.... frankly.. it is just not  a good way to bond, but also other reasons)... other just "plain rules" that are just a given to make things simpler....

So, basically, I am hoping that we are just so busy in the next month that the time goes by super fast....
It could be 4 weeks until we find out our I600 is approved (this is our  next step).

Then:  VISA appointment date.. whenever this is scheduled for-- should not be more than 2 weeks after I600 approval... she is basically THROUGH.. her file just needs to go back to (the dreaded) IBESR (haitian social services) for an exit letter that we need for airport.
The timelines for some people have been going VERY quickly.. and I am so hopeful, but again.. scared to be hopeful... that we could possibly see some of these awesome time frames for us.
Would that just BE MIRACULOUS???!!!
I so would love to finish out the journey of bringing her home on such a wonderfully positive UPSWING!

So we are getting closer... sprucing up some Creole language to help with communication...
so thankful that this is the last Christmas without Verlande.

That being said, our hearts are also full of sadness for a family who just last week lost their son who they were about to bring HOME from Haiti.  Unimaginable sadness... Our thoughts and prayers are with this family, and it makes me realize, once again, the circumstances that these kids are living in.


Someone sent me the words to this song that it reminded them of us along this way... and it does amaze me that yes... we really do see and KNOW that we have never been alone... As heartbreaking as some of this has been... really almost everything that has happened, HAD to happen to make our situation possible...

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

-10,000 Reasons

On to PASSPORTS

I don't know if I ever thought that I would say we are "out of MOI" Verlande is in the stage of getting her passport... but that is the miraculous place we are at.
We went through MOI in 9 days... instead of the typical 4 weeks, I have no idea why and I don't want to ever ask!  Just so happy to be moving and to a place where I feel close!


I do.. I feel close to it.  To be able to say "possibly 8 weeks" until she comes home is simply not even understandable to my mind.  It is ALMOST scary.. but then I realize, I have no fear, we have been ready for this for so long.

I told Phoebe after she got off of the bus that we have maybe 8 weeks until Verlande can come home and Phoebe jumped up and down shrieking "My sister is coming home in 8 weeks!!!"  I will never forget it... Forrest just looked puzzled and asked if we could go get her this weekend? (although yes, he knows what a week is, but it wasn't connecting, and I think him seeing Phoebe getting airborne over it confused him)..(plus he was probably hungry and just thinking about after school snack, ha ha!)

So what is next, what are our steps now?
From what I understand:
*we are in passports for 1 week:  that is this week, the week of 12/10. (maybe this could take 2 weeks, but I have also heard of it taking 2 days, but I have also heard of problems at times with then passport printing machine).
*then we go to USCIS for approval of I600/immigration.  This could take 6 weeks.
*then we go to VISA for an appointment and this could take 2 weeks to get the appointment.
*I think/not 100% sure, but I think we need then to wait a few days for an exit letter from IBESR.
So 8ish weeks----ISH.
EARLY FEB!
So yes, we are looking at WINTER and this is GOOD AND GREAT AND WONDERFUL NEWS!

We skyped with Verlande this past weekend and I wasn't planning on telling her the news, but Phoebe was excited and said "8 weeks until you can come home" and I am not sure if Verlande understood/could hear and i said we are getting closer and closer adn we cannot wait to come to bring you home!

There is so much unknown, but I am just focusing so much on the positive that this is finally happening, things are at a much more stable place with her being close to being on the US side of this process!  Sure, things can still happen and delays can happen, but it is now WITHIN a few months, 8 weeks can go by so fast!  We are psyched! Ryan hung up the letters for her name that I had made a few months ago!!