how are things? ummm....

So I really never wanted to do a blog, because I didn't want it to end up a vent-festival.
Well, welcome to my vent-festival today.

I'm so sad, i'm so angry, I'm so furious, I'm so just disheartened and lonely, feeling like the world doesn't care and that the world is so unfair.
Over a year now, Ryan and I sat in our car in a parking lot, watching hte sunset go down on a basically 1-2x/year date night, and decided to adopt Verlande.  We aren't much further.

People ask me how things are going and I have no freaking idea.
We tried to get information from our agency/ our person in charge, who replied back to us with the beginning of our letter reprimanding us "Dear Adams Family"... freaking Adams family- no, call us by the names that you speak to us with: Sharon and Ryan!  It went on saying that she couldn't repeatedly ask the status of our case, to which I said, that is fine, we are not asking you to repeatedly ask- we have STILL NOT ONCE HEARD- past knowing that it flew into Haiti...

So how is it going?  We haven't been told.  So much for being the customer... this is afterall a BUSINESS for them right?  Clearly it must be a business becuase guess what, it is doing NOTHING for Verlande.  It is doing NOTHING.  and I can tell you with confidence from the bottom of my TOES that there is no pedophile out there, no bad person who has the patience or money to go to these lengths to adopt a child from Haiti to harm them.  Seriously.  So where does this leave Verlande?  Where does it leave her after who knows how many years comign when she is how old?  Is that even good for her anymore, we do not know this! 

Sorry.  Right now I've had it.  I've nearly fallen over when I vented and was told that it was a "bummer"!!!
BUMMER?  a bummer is getting stopped at a red light when you're in a hurry... it's dropping an apple out of your grocery bag.. a bummer is your pant leg dripping in the puddle hwen you walk.. It is NOT wasting 2-3-4 years of a child's life.

I've had it learning patience.  Seriously... patience my butt.  If everyone were so zen and patient, would things get done?  no, i've tried for a year and nothing.  our daughter sits there, probably wondering where the HELL we are- those people who said they'd be back.

Things move faster in tryuing to adopt "special needs" children... Special needs?  Well, this child hyas some special needs, she has spent the past 5 years of her life as an orphan. Good grief, if that is not special needs then I dont' even want to know what they are.

I regret sounding unthankful.  I am.  I am thankful that we have had this chance, that we met Verlande, but I am mad.  I am.  I don't know where to go.  I keep getting further and further into this hole. Literally feeling like I wonder if we'll be ever able to get out- now we have more people involved who have donated money to us, and if this doesn't happen, I don't know how I can live with myself for so many reasons.  I have Phoebe and Forrest to be strong for if that happens that we cannot adopt Verlande, but when will we know.. will they ever even tell us?  Or is that rude of us to ask.

I feel so disheartened that this is the way things are.  I just feel sad for the world, maybe that sounds silly. But I feel like I'm losing faith in the goodness of people.  Why are we working with people with no heart?  If they had a heart, wouldn't we at least receive a one line confirmation that our case was being "worked on", instead of a narrative on how we are asking someone to go to the ends of the earth for us.  I want to believe in the goodness of people, that there are people out there being Verlande's hero- getting her home to us.  I thoguht that was the direction we are in.  She is somewhere in Haiti today, at this time of the day, hopefully getting a ride home from school.  Please let the driver be on time for her today, by the way... we have reports that she is having to wait forever for her rides and this worries me for her safety.  I don't know where she is, or what she may be thinking. 

I've temporarily lost my strength.  I know it'll be back, but sometimes it all seems too much, I feel too dug under, too futile, like I've made choice after choice after choice that has gotten us further and further to nowhere.  Choice after choice that maybe we should have seen something.  I don't know right from left, up from down, progress from no progress.  I have no idea where we are.