Saturday, August 25, 2012

Birthday Wishes....

Yesterday was Verlande's 8th birthday.....  Last year we had hoped so much that she would be home.  This year, we had assumed.....(ahhhh, NEVER assume anything in a Haitian adoption) that we would have at least needed to see her this summer...  And yesterday we thought we would be skyp-ing with the birthday girl....... Until Hurricane Issac decided to get in the way....

So birthdays are a big deal in our house... We celebrate from the minute the kids wake up...   There is just always an awareness through the day and extra fu n stuff, not meaning presents, but just always making the birthday kid special... And it kills me to not have even been able to communicate with verlande..   We sent her a small package and I at least know it did get there.  I had also made her a video with pictures from the last two years and a beautiful song... But they weren't able to open it because it is too big for their Internet speed...  And I just don't know how she feels on her birthday.  Does she feel loved?  does she feel lonely?  does she think of her mom and wonder why?? Did she truly know in her heart of hearts how much we thought of her the ENTIRE day...  Does she doubt that?  Does she possibly doubt US by this time?????because... In all honesty, if I were a kid.. I probably would be doubting by now...

I pray that she KNOWS..., believes and trusts in our love... Because it even amazes me sometimes.  I honestly don't think I would have ever guessed that I could have fallen so totally in love with a child that didn't grow in my body....  but these years have so shown me that she is our child that we love so fully.  I have grown over the skype sessions and the times we have seen her to so know her little personality... To know when her face means that she totally doesn't know what we are saying even as  
she pretends to, to see her eyes change to a sadness when she is just having one of those days, to see how she has learned to cope, to soothe herself with faces, grimaces, movements...  

Oh,  we are so in love... And it is the hardest thing to wait on something we don't understand.   It really feels to us that our child is being kept away from us, just as if Phoebe or Forrest were somewhere that I've couldn't get them home.  

And yes, I am trying to keep my faith, to be present only in the NOW, to not be aching for a day it he future but enjoying this one...  I do try... But sometimes I will be out running, and I feel that I am almost crashing....  That my insides are so unsteady  and incomplete that I worry I will land my foot and fall to the ground... And I know I would just sit there and break down sobbing.... But there would be no one to come help me.  I must be strong, stronger than I think I am... I cannot collapse, I cannot lose the air inside of me... I cannot think fully of how much we miss Verlande or else I cannot take these steps and go through my days as if I don't have a child away from home, in a foreign and scary place, unsure of our love.  

So my birthday is today, one day after Verlandes, and it is my wish today that we receive news of our dispensation in the next week or two.  God can move mountains and I am fully giving this to Him. 

we love you Verlande, and HAPPY HAPPY 8th BIRTHDAY!!!!http://animoto.com/play/6D86Dd1Qao0jQfQuaNbt1Q

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Two years ago, I met Verlande


2 years later:
It’s been two years since I’ve met Verlande.  Two years since my life and perspective changed forever.
I won’t lie.  I wish she were home.  In a bed that we are too scared to buy yet, in soft snuggly sheets, in her favorite color, purple.  I wish I weren’t hyperventilating every time my phone rang, thinking maybe this is GOOD NEWS on the line!!!  I wish I didn’t have times of devastation where I just simply do not understand… and I try too hard to understand why she is not, why this process is so wrong.
But I also have more clear times where I am fully aware of how much better each single day of the past two years has been; how much more clear I am on my intentions for how I live my life, and how I spend  my time. 
I am so thankful for the opportunity I had two years ago to go with St. Matthews church on my first trip to Haiti.  I had no idea what was in store.  They have a team going again this year, and going this weekend, and I am in awe of the wonder they are about to experience. 
I hope for each of them that their world is a bit rocked… and I know it will beJ  I hope there are times of deep questioning and I know the scope of what they see with their own eyes will shake their core.  I know it shook my core, and changed my makeup forever.  I hope they stop and see God in this beautiful land, in this broken land.  Two years ago, we journaled as a group in the evenings, and one of our questions was:  Where did you see God today?   And I knew right away.  ALL DAY LONG:  I saw God in the EYES of the Haitians I met, in the butterflies that I saw, even amidst piles of rubble and garbage.  I felt God when I woke to hear a woman somewhere outside of our walls singing the most beautiful Amazing Grace- it sounded like she were far away, but yet I could still hear it… I imagined it was coming from the mountains I could see in the distance, but it probably was coming from the streets that were about to become full of chaos for the day. I just felt right, and I knew fully I was where I was supposed to be. 


More than anything, there was something about Haiti where I felt welcome and at home.  I don’t think I can explain it in words at all, because I don’t even quite understand it myself.  I felt home and completed.  I knew I was exactly where I should be… maybe because I feel that I truly was meant to find Verlande.  She is completely so precious, and we are so smitten with her, and have been since day 1.  

Day ONE of the rest of our lives was when I saw this beautiful spirit in little clothes that didn’t fit at all, but who was so full of energy and spirit and smiles.  When I saw this little sprite, her distinct eyes and personality, and just the connection, I knew.  I knew I was brought to Haiti, to that orphanage, that wasn’t even a real orphanage, just a fenced off pile of rubble… and was given a choice.  And we chose to listen and follow through on what we have had our eyes opened to.  It essentially was always very simple. 
  maybe  Definitely very scary... scary to the point of literally shaking for a few months at the beginning of this process... but still SURE.  Sure as I've been.. Strengthened by remembering that feeling of completeness in Haiti.  of being brought somewhere.... and following where I was led.  No questions.  Our hearts are full of love and we are open to sticking it out, amidst unfairness, policies that we don’t agree with… we will be strong enough for this.   It will be soon, friends… good news will be coming our way.. I can feel it.  Two years in… two years of blessings.  Thanks for being on this journey with us.  It may not be easy, but it will be worth it… This will all be small someday and this horrendous wait will be so amplified by the joy of having Verlande home…   Xoxo, Sharon