Birthday Wishes....

Yesterday was Verlande's 8th birthday.....  Last year we had hoped so much that she would be home.  This year, we had assumed.....(ahhhh, NEVER assume anything in a Haitian adoption) that we would have at least needed to see her this summer...  And yesterday we thought we would be skyp-ing with the birthday girl....... Until Hurricane Issac decided to get in the way....

So birthdays are a big deal in our house... We celebrate from the minute the kids wake up...   There is just always an awareness through the day and extra fu n stuff, not meaning presents, but just always making the birthday kid special... And it kills me to not have even been able to communicate with verlande..   We sent her a small package and I at least know it did get there.  I had also made her a video with pictures from the last two years and a beautiful song... But they weren't able to open it because it is too big for their Internet speed...  And I just don't know how she feels on her birthday.  Does she feel loved?  does she feel lonely?  does she think of her mom and wonder why?? Did she truly know in her heart of hearts how much we thought of her the ENTIRE day...  Does she doubt that?  Does she possibly doubt US by this time?????because... In all honesty, if I were a kid.. I probably would be doubting by now...

I pray that she KNOWS..., believes and trusts in our love... Because it even amazes me sometimes.  I honestly don't think I would have ever guessed that I could have fallen so totally in love with a child that didn't grow in my body....  but these years have so shown me that she is our child that we love so fully.  I have grown over the skype sessions and the times we have seen her to so know her little personality... To know when her face means that she totally doesn't know what we are saying even as  
she pretends to, to see her eyes change to a sadness when she is just having one of those days, to see how she has learned to cope, to soothe herself with faces, grimaces, movements...  

Oh,  we are so in love... And it is the hardest thing to wait on something we don't understand.   It really feels to us that our child is being kept away from us, just as if Phoebe or Forrest were somewhere that I've couldn't get them home.  

And yes, I am trying to keep my faith, to be present only in the NOW, to not be aching for a day it he future but enjoying this one...  I do try... But sometimes I will be out running, and I feel that I am almost crashing....  That my insides are so unsteady  and incomplete that I worry I will land my foot and fall to the ground... And I know I would just sit there and break down sobbing.... But there would be no one to come help me.  I must be strong, stronger than I think I am... I cannot collapse, I cannot lose the air inside of me... I cannot think fully of how much we miss Verlande or else I cannot take these steps and go through my days as if I don't have a child away from home, in a foreign and scary place, unsure of our love.  

So my birthday is today, one day after Verlandes, and it is my wish today that we receive news of our dispensation in the next week or two.  God can move mountains and I am fully giving this to Him. 

we love you Verlande, and HAPPY HAPPY 8th BIRTHDAY!!!!http://animoto.com/play/6D86Dd1Qao0jQfQuaNbt1Q