Tuesday, December 25, 2012

On the USA- side of the process...

And we are now in USCIS... (as of Tuesday, December 18)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am elated.  We got the passport and all documents translated back to english and are on the USA side of the adoption.
I am also full of anxiety.  So many people... frankly everyone... has been saying how this is "the longest part".... "the hardest part"... and that scares me.  I don't have much left in me.. I'm scared of being heartbroken in this final stage.  I fieel like it has worn me down and I don't know what will happen to me or my heart if we get "stuck" somehow.  If 5-7 more weeks turns to 10 weeks... I want it all to be so benchmark (or above average for speed, of course above average right.... )...I'm scared by how awful everyone has made the last part seem.

Part of me feels like it is OK.
TOTALLY OK... we KNOW we are going to be OK now.
We know now that she will come home.
Now it is all about impatience.. and frankly I can take that!

I feel a glimmer of hope as I am busy getting so many things "ready"... knowing that I am SURE we will be SO not ready.. after all these years, you would think I'd be totally on top of it all.. but I don't think that is POSSIBLE...
But, I am trying to organize -- to label where things go so that it is a bit clear for her.. of course we will show her, but just so it eliminates any confusion with things since she'll be sharing a room with Phoebe... I'm trying to organize "systems" and schedules-- how we do things so that hopefully they can just "run" seamlessly..
HA.. now isn't THAT funny... (as if that will happen.. or has ever happened in our family yet...)  but hey, I try.
I'm trying to make sure she has enough clothes to keep her warm, butnot too much in case I am guessing sizes wrong, making sure we have HAIR STUFF, doctors appointments lined up, dentists, health insurance ready to change (ok I haven't even mentioned that to Ryan yet so good thing I am typing this)...  trying to look early at flights, to get my work schedule ready to be a bit "flexible" without losing classes or clients!
Trying to anticipate food:  having apples, rice, chicken snacks ready, healthy plans, but also being ready to be somewhat flexible as she adjusts to our food...
trying to keep things the same for the kids as much as possible... but also every day to remind them of something for when Verlande does come home... that Phoebe should tell me if Verlande wants to sleep in her bunk with her (becuase she canNOT sleep on the top.. she is a disaster while sleeping- completely flailing her body into walls... I joke you not.....), to make sure Forrest doesn't use "made up words" that he uses sometimes being funny.. but Verlande will start to think those are real words.... to have discussions with Ryan to make sure we are on the same page with:  no TV unless I am doing her hair (we do let the kids watch shows, but there are numerous reasons we are doing this rule.... frankly.. it is just not  a good way to bond, but also other reasons)... other just "plain rules" that are just a given to make things simpler....

So, basically, I am hoping that we are just so busy in the next month that the time goes by super fast....
It could be 4 weeks until we find out our I600 is approved (this is our  next step).

Then:  VISA appointment date.. whenever this is scheduled for-- should not be more than 2 weeks after I600 approval... she is basically THROUGH.. her file just needs to go back to (the dreaded) IBESR (haitian social services) for an exit letter that we need for airport.
The timelines for some people have been going VERY quickly.. and I am so hopeful, but again.. scared to be hopeful... that we could possibly see some of these awesome time frames for us.
Would that just BE MIRACULOUS???!!!
I so would love to finish out the journey of bringing her home on such a wonderfully positive UPSWING!

So we are getting closer... sprucing up some Creole language to help with communication...
so thankful that this is the last Christmas without Verlande.

That being said, our hearts are also full of sadness for a family who just last week lost their son who they were about to bring HOME from Haiti.  Unimaginable sadness... Our thoughts and prayers are with this family, and it makes me realize, once again, the circumstances that these kids are living in.


Someone sent me the words to this song that it reminded them of us along this way... and it does amaze me that yes... we really do see and KNOW that we have never been alone... As heartbreaking as some of this has been... really almost everything that has happened, HAD to happen to make our situation possible...


Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us
Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
-10,000 Reasons

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

On to PASSPORTS

I don't know if I ever thought that I would say we are "out of MOI" Verlande is in the stage of getting her passport... but that is the miraculous place we are at.
We went through MOI in 9 days... instead of the typical 4 weeks, I have no idea why and I don't want to ever ask!  Just so happy to be moving and to a place where I feel close!


I do.. I feel close to it.  To be able to say "possibly 8 weeks" until she comes home is simply not even understandable to my mind.  It is ALMOST scary.. but then I realize, I have no fear, we have been ready for this for so long.

I told Phoebe after she got off of the bus that we have maybe 8 weeks until Verlande can come home and Phoebe jumped up and down shrieking "My sister is coming home in 8 weeks!!!"  I will never forget it... Forrest just looked puzzled and asked if we could go get her this weekend? (although yes, he knows what a week is, but it wasn't connecting, and I think him seeing Phoebe getting airborne over it confused him)..(plus he was probably hungry and just thinking about after school snack, ha ha!)

So what is next, what are our steps now?
From what I understand:
*we are in passports for 1 week:  that is this week, the week of 12/10. (maybe this could take 2 weeks, but I have also heard of it taking 2 days, but I have also heard of problems at times with then passport printing machine).
*then we go to USCIS for approval of I600/immigration.  This could take 6 weeks.
*then we go to VISA for an appointment and this could take 2 weeks to get the appointment.
*I think/not 100% sure, but I think we need then to wait a few days for an exit letter from IBESR.
So 8ish weeks----ISH.
EARLY FEB!
So yes, we are looking at WINTER and this is GOOD AND GREAT AND WONDERFUL NEWS!

We skyped with Verlande this past weekend and I wasn't planning on telling her the news, but Phoebe was excited and said "8 weeks until you can come home" and I am not sure if Verlande understood/could hear and i said we are getting closer and closer adn we cannot wait to come to bring you home!

There is so much unknown, but I am just focusing so much on the positive that this is finally happening, things are at a much more stable place with her being close to being on the US side of this process!  Sure, things can still happen and delays can happen, but it is now WITHIN a few months, 8 weeks can go by so fast!  We are psyched! Ryan hung up the letters for her name that I had made a few months ago!!

Saturday, November 10, 2012

So close.... but still so far away.


SO CLOSE… but so far away….

In the past week, week and a half, two weeks… my anxiety has grown.  I want to find out DESPERATELY that we are in MOI, our next stage…. Weeks are leading into a month.  This week will be a full month since we have been out of the last stage and I am antsy.  I’m feeling nervous, even though we were told that we should expect 4 weeks…  I think (I know) that I had my hopes up too much.  I had been so excited to exit our last step, and felt on top of the world, invincible, so reassured in this journey.
We know each week brings us closer to our time, the time that will be right, the time that God chooses for us to move us through this, when it is the perfect time to bring her home forever.  And that does bring me peace… but another part of my heart so desperately feels desperate.  Longing to have her here for the holidays, but more than that…. Sadness for this child who has been through so much.  How much can she handle, how is SHE hanging in there?  How does a KID understand this whole thing.  It is not understandable, so how is she coping, and we want the time on our side to begin to let her feel safe and loved and IN HER PLACE.  Beginning that journey that she will experience, where she learns how to be loved, how to love and not just survive.  I want that for her.   I of course want that for her, she is my child.
And THAT… that she is SO our child…. has become such a strong, powerful presence in my heart.  I have 3 children, and I don’t’ love Phoebe and Forrest any less to make room for Verlande, just as a mom to 3 biological children loves them less to “make room.”  I am amazed by how my heart has so fully expanded, and is so open and vulnerable, waiting for her to be here.  I love being a  Mom.  Yes, and I do not rock at it, but I love this journey, I love the effort, I love the meaning that my kids bring to my days.  I love the MOMENTS.  Each silly, small one.  I love hearing them slurp milk from their cereal… even when it drives me insane.  I love watching them find beautiful leaves, watching them become immersed in coloring, in books, in simple, glorious LIFE.  I love watching them learn to be who they are, to be good people, to make friends, to make mistakes, and LIVE.  And it leaves me sad to not be able to watch Verlande.  I want her here, doing simple stuff with us.  Brushing teeth.  Yep, even when 3 kids don’t  fit in that small bathroom, even if they argue about “who is first.”  I want her here to read books in her own bed, on her new pillow.   I am ready.  I am ready for the daily life, the beauty, the frustrations.  I find beauty and love in it all, and my heart is so  bursting full of love for my three kids. 
It has been so complicated.  Such a process, such ups and downs, all because of such simplicity:  I met Verlande and simply just love her.

Dear God, I am asking you to move mountains.. again and again, over and over, to bring Verlande home before February 2013.  We will love her simply and fully every day.  We hand this to You, God.  Let us take care of and begin our journey with Verlande home.  In your name we pray. Amen.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Stories over skype

We were lucky this past weekend to skype with Verlande.  She was happy (unlike last time when she wouldn't speak for 20  minutes- story was that she had gotten bad grades and had not done her homework).  It was so wonderful right away to see her smile and hear her laughing- her voice nearly sings- makes my heart sing to hear it!  i feel such hope when we are able to see her happy (and see her in general).

I had told her to try to remember over the week the funniest thing that happened, something that made her laugh.  She told me that she had a story for us and that she wanted "mommy to laugh alot"!!!  I told her I coudl definitely do that!  So, she started making up a story about animals that were at a football (soccer) game.  There was a lion roaring, a giraffe, a panda, all sorts of animals and they were all friends.  Some of the animals she said wanted to play football, but the whole "story" part was that there were some of the animal friends who didn't want to, because they were too hungry.  When she told us that they were too hungry, she put her hand on like her lower chest area and kind of winced with her face.... as if she knew... and sadly, it reminded me.. that she does.  She knows hunger.  And that kind of killed me... and that was her story.  They coudln't play football becuase some of the friends were too hungry.  I was of course happy that she had used her imagination and came up with a story for us, but also it has grabbed my thoughts for the past few days, making me just ache to bring her home sooner.

We have been waiting now for 2 weeks to hear that we are through the "legalization" steps and INTO MOI (ministry of interior).... it could take maybe 2 more weeks, but of course I am waiting for that phone call TODAY!
and kind of (alot) feel my patience dissipating.  But at the same time, I do have complete trust that we are being taken care of FOR SURE.. I KNOW IT.  I FEEL IT.. and that makes me happy.  It is as it should be,   and i feel positive and full of faith.

Friday, October 19, 2012

HAVE YOU? Have you seen a miracle?

Last Sunday

The question was, “Who has seen a miracle?”  Without hesitation, I nodded my head, and promptly dissolved into tears… and then promptly into some version of an ugly cry… like my mouth looked weird ugly cry.. (and was rescued promptly by my good friend, Elizabeth  Huang, thank you Elizabeth!)
My initial thoughts were on the beautiful sight two years ago, of my daughter in the rubble of a so called orphanage (unlicensed heap of rocks enclosed by walls).  That God brought me to Verlande is my miracle.
Later in the day, I cringed at the thought of looking like a baby to these strangers at my table as I got to the point of not being able to talk/ and explain what my miracle was.. I realized.. it was miracle upon miracle…. Sure, there have been ups and downs, but it has been nothing short of miraculous… and this.. to a person somewhat  reluctant to see miracles.
Here are some of the miracles I have seen/felt/heard:
*After I met Verlande, I knew that I had felt something very strange, but also knew I had to kind of keep my emotions “in check” to be able to GET THROUGH the rest of my mission trip!  I left as those solid iron doors slid closed to the orphanage, knowing that my heart was reeling, but also with some sort of weird thought and peace (as I cried silently on the tap tap ride back) that “if God wanted me to be back with this child, I will.” HUH?  Sorry, but that is so unlike me…. (wow, actually, did I really stop to listen.. slightly amazing)….  Later there was a girl who worked for our mission group that explained that she asked God to tell her/give her a sign of what he wanted her to do for her life.. long story short: She felt that she was spoken to.. Ok, a bit hokey sounding to me.. at the time…  until 2 weeks later, coming back to my nice soft carpets, walls of my house, yard of grass and flowers, I asked God…. “Show me.”  Who knows.. maybe it was almost close to a “dare”… like, yea yea yea.. I’m not going to get any sort of signs.. who am I… God has real important things he is busy with, rather than sending me little whispers  of hints..
And he did.
*Within 1 week, I ran into a friend who I hadn’t seen in over 2 years after  their family went through a Russian adoption.  I was so happy to see the friend, and the smile on his son’s face, spoke to me.  I don’t believe it was just coincidence that I ran into this family.
*I tried to proceed through  my life as I knew it… tried to run, bike, etc… and I simply could not.  I vividly remember stopping and getting off of my bike on the side of Glade Dr., hyperventilating, gasping for air as my chest was constricted.  I could not leave this child.  How could I?  Panic.
*The next morning, I was introduced at a playground to an ESL teacher (English as 2nd Language).. who yes, I asked how it would be for a transition of an older child…
A few more examples I could write here, but yes, I heard.  I heard what was being said to me.
 GO.  Take care of my child. 

*Ryan and I had no idea how to start, we contacted some people who miraculously got us in touch with someone who had adopted from Haiti/ had her child come home on humanitarian parole after the earthquake.  Through this connection, I was put in touch with our initial lawyer.  While this didn’t work out, while we spent tons and tons of money ferrying people around, trying to find  the orphanage that Verlande was at, trying to find the parents to see if they were wanting Verlande to be adopted, while our heart was broken so many times…… we actually…. frankly… needed all of that it seems.  Verlande’s case was very different and difficult- she was not in a licensed crèche that does adoptions, some situations with her biological parents made it hard to proceed, and we basically needed to have her moved into another place of care (orphanage or home)… and so while we had great heartache many times because of proceeding the way we did… looking back….. it is almost scary because it needed to happen this way.   She would have been too old to go to the orphanage that our agency (now) works in, and we were led to a woman who would open her home to Verlande living there.  It wasn’t all good…. 
But it was all so necessary.  It was truly a miracle.

*Verlande’s  mom died in January of 2011.  The long story short:  she had “abandoned” Verlande at age 2, she and Verlande’s dad were already separated and she had a new husband and had new children we believe.  She would not sign relinquishment papers, even though she hadn’t seen Verlande since age 2 (4 years).  Her pastor was the director of Verlande’s orphanage and had been trying to communicate with her, and the only response was that she “wants nothing to do with the future of Verlande.”  She died of cholera in January 2011.  We never received the relinquishment papers from her, but we were able to use her death certificate to proceed with the adoption.  Of course we did not wish for her to die, we were not happy about this, Ryan’s birth mom died when he was 5 and so that hits close to home.  However, it allowed us to continue.  Continuing was a miracle.
*We were able to continue, bring Verlande out of the orphanage in March 2011.  We were working with an independent lawyer and there was NO progress through July 2011.  I knew in my heart that we were not being told the truths, that no one was really working for us.  At the same time, the laws in Haiti began to change and independent adoptions were not going to be allowed to continue.  We needed to find an agency.  Was this even possible in our situation,, since Verlande wasn’t placed in an orphanage that was associated with an agency (a crèche).  We found All Blessings, International and they were willing to take us on and work on our adoption.  That was the great news.  The horrible news was we had now spent already a large sum of money on getting this far, and it was mostly all useless, and we had to financially begin near ground zero.  After horrible nights and days of looking at our finances, dreaming of ways to win the lottery, sell everything we could while still managing to stay in our home/ raise our two kids, we knew we just were not at the place that we could do this.  We decided to reach out and begin fundraising.  It was not a choice to leave Verlande.  The miracle is that it happened.  People gave.  People gave a little, people gave much, people prayed, people worked with us on a garage sale, kids did lemonade stands.  Our little community of friends, family, acquaintances came together.  THIS.  This is what it is about.  THIS is God’s work.  THIS… is the ESSENCE.  THIS WAS LOVE.  TEARS.

* And to continue, the miracles have rolled in… Yes, they were in the middle of frustrations, fatigue, fear.  But I looked and I DID see them.  In June, when I was hoping that we would have our dispensation signed and we didn’t, I finished my most important race of the past few years, and the girl that looked like Verlande in the parking lot of the beach, walked to me through the sand and held out her hands to me, a stranger.     I do know that that was not a coincidence.  I was filled with hope.

When I was losing hope, when I was weary with pain and worry for our daughter, I asked again for a sign.  I wanted a sign that we were even DOING the right thing!  Why was this taking so long?  What lesson was I supposed to be learning?  Patience can only be worked on for so long.    What?  What was I missing?  What was going to happen to our girl?  I asked.. I needed to be renewed, I needed strength to continue the daily struggle of having my kid stuck somewhere without me.  I walked outside when I could not breathe anymore and just happened to look up.  I saw  the rainbow in the shape of a smile.  A rainbow.  Smiling at me.  
Do not lose hope.

When I dug deep and continued, step by  step, literally sitting by the phone, losing my  balance day by day, I cried out to Ryan.  I have to give up.  I cannot live like this any longer.  It is not fair, it is crushing my spirit, my heart, I am mad.  I give up.  I cannot give up.  Oh gosh.  I’m not going to give up but I cannot invest my heart any longer.  It is now ALL YOURS GOD.  Put me on the prayer list at church.  I am on my KNEES.   I handed it over.  And my phone rang.  A miracle.
And ….so of course I cried.  Of course I have seen miracles.  I believe fully.  I don’t know about Satan and I don’t know about so much.  I have seen  miracles though.  And later that day, as we skyped with Verlande, I got goofy with her and she loves that.  She smiles and laughs the biggest laughs ever.  And the sound of her laughing is a miracle, it is music.  And to hear her little Haitian voice squealing, “Mommyyyyyyyyy, You are so silly,” I knew…. THIS IS A MIRACLE.  YES.  THIS.


And Monday, we got the next call!  We are out of Parquet Court!  
We are the official parents of 
VERLANDE DUFFLEURANT ADAMS!  
hopefully January will be the month she comes home:)

Here is our miracle, please play:)
http://animoto.com/play/6D86Dd1Qao0jQfQuaNbt1Qhttp://animoto.com/play/6D86Dd1Qao0jQfQuaNbt1Q

Saturday, October 13, 2012

I am totally "nesting"....

And yes...
I am totally nesting.

I figure it maybe goes like this... I have been "pregnant" with Verlande for over 24 months now.... hopefully soon to give "birth" to this 8 year old joining our family..... and so since there is typically a period of nesting before a typical birth.. I am allowed to be nesting a few months before she comes home, right??!!  And so it goes.... I am having some wierd instinctual nesting... or maybe just see the light at the end of the tunnel and feel ok in buying a few things for the first time in.... about 2 years!!

And so we have a bunk bed now!  We are so excited.. yes, all of us... to see this bunk bed in Phoebe's room!  We had so many people trying to help us find one on craigs list and we did!  It was great, good price, and Ryan picked it up a week ago!  Phoebe and Forrest had a "sleepover" in the bunk last weekend... and it has been a great week going up to re-kiss Phoebe on the top bunk, climbing the ladder to see her and all of her bears up there... and to look down and see the empty bed... that I can't wait for Verlande to be snoozing in!

And I bought a pillow and sheets and a mattress cover.  And I bought a few clothes for Verlande.. finally knowing that I won't be MAILING them to her.  These clothes will be staying in our HOME! and she will put them on her BODY!

And so the nesting goes further... we went to Harris Teeter grocery shopping as a family.. ok.. we dont' even go to Harris Teeter typically.. too expensive.  But they had some good sales... and then i went CRAZY it seemed.  I bought a baguette.  mushrooms.  greek yogurt.  Ok people, so for me.. this is when I KNOW....I am nesting.... a baguette?  seriously I think that is for people who have extra dollars in their wallet.  for such a luxury item for a dinner or wine and cheese.. seriously,  may be only $2 but if you buy a baguette... you are DOING OK!!  how funny that I have this excitement streaming through my body because of a baguette!

But that is what it has been for these past years... and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  and I bought a baguette:)

Monday, October 8, 2012

OUR LAST "VISIT"!!! September, 2012 in Haiti


This will be our last “visit”!!!
Next time we get to bring Verlande home!

First a warning.. this is long.. and it is perfectly fine to not read.. it is a write up of our whole trip, things that happened, our worries, experiences, joys, fears, laughter, pictures.. It is because i want to write in one place everything that comes to my mind (and clearly that is how I write!)... yep, it is long..

This trip started off on Saturday and we landed in PaP airport at NOON!  We got luggage easily, then walked down the scary.. to me… corridor outside that is fenced in and leads to us being dumped out among many Haitians who would love to “help us”…. And make some money..
We couldn’t find Franck, our driver… We just kept saying “non mesi” to the offers of help/transportation.. but I really did not like being in a sea of maybe 100 very close people, with our suitcase, bags, and I just did not feel safe.  Ryan was pretending I think to call someone on the phone…. We don’t have Franck’s number, nor could Franck really talk to us if we did since he doesn’t speak English… we could try some Creole, BUT… as crazy as it sounds.. this is just what we have to expect in Haiti- that somehow our driver will just “be there”!!!   and he wasn’t… I wanted to go back into the fenced in segment, but Ryan didn’t yet.. and finally some guy came up to us saying he had the phone from Franck.. so Franck was on the other end, and this guy said he was going to bring us to Franck… we know nothing better so we are off to follow.  (on top of 100 degrees outside, I was in quite a sweat).. We started following through this parking lot… which of course is not a parking lot at all, but just an area of cars parked in various directions, very closely, etc.. basically all sorts of messed up cars, and maybe 10 people slightly following us asking us repeatedly if we have our passports.  So we said yes.  HOWEVER, why should they care if we have passports, we are not in the airport, so I was even MORE scared now.. I was.. I was actually terrified, people on all sides of us, we are following a stranger through now like a junkyard, makes us sound kind of stupid right?  Well, we turn the corner and see Franck’s van, WITH Verlande in it! Wooo hoooo!! I just wanted IN to hug Verlande, as well as I couldn’t be happier to get out of the open junkyard…  We hugged Verlande in the car, she sat on my lap and hugged hugged, she loves hugging and cuddling… she hugged Ryan, she was so happy, we were so happy… What a long wait it has been…..It was great.



We went back right away to Bresma Guest house- we stayed in the same room we have been in each time now… The place is so nice, coffee is always on… and it is just heavenly coffee… I would love to someday have a coffee plantation in Haiti.. yum…. Plus would love to work in the fields.. BUT… that is another dream..:)
We played with Verlande, showed her a few things we brought (it is always hard packing the suitcase because I bring new clothes for her, new books, new shampoo, etc, new toys… but I don’t want to give them all at once, so I try to keep them separated in bags like “day 1 toys,” etc… but it is hard because I know she wants to look through our suitcase,, and I feel bad being secretive about it.  Anyway.  She loved this ball we brought and I think her and Ryan that day played ball for nearly 2 hours!  She loved it, and they counted each time they caught it and got up to over 100…. We read her some new books… We had dinner together..  played more, she took a shower, which she is seriously the cleanest girl maybe in the world.. that girl still loves loves loves her shower/bath time…. It is a shower that she takes, but she also loves to sit down and splash right under the water.  She is very good about only having water on when she is rinsing… always aware that water is not easy to come by.




That night was probably one of our first eye openings of some of the inner turmoil that Verlande has tucked inside her.  She wanted to sleep in our bed.  She had her own bed in the room and we didn’t want to start off a precedent of her sleeping in our bed, so we said no, but that we would read as long to her as she wanted, and then we would be on our bed right next to her.  So this sent her into a tizzy… She was angry, mad, sad, screaming, crying…  she has done this before with us, but this definitely was maybe one of the  harder times, she went on and on and there was nothing we could do it seemed to help. She loves Ryan holding her, and I think Ryan ended up holding her and walking her to sleep outside   on the balcony (there were no other families there this first night)…  We knew we didn’t want to always hold her until she slept, since then she wouldn’t ever learn to fall asleep on her own….. but we had to calm her down…  Once she slept, she was like all over the place in her bed, hitting thewalls, I  couldn’t believe she could stay asleep being this restless….  In the middle of the night,, she did wake up, and of course was very upset, she wouldn’t speak to us what really was making her cry, my guess was that she was alone in her bed?  (although she sleeps alone at Eliette’s house and Eliette has said she doesn’t cry at night anymore there)… but she wouldn’t speak to us… her crying in the middle of the night alternated between this high pitched whimper, and after a few minutes of that, (I was half sleeping), I’d realized that she wasn’t crying, she had started singing… then it turned to cry, and again sing… I still do not even know if she was awake or not.. but I knew this wasn’t really very good news…
The next day, 3 other families came with their younger children that they are adopting.  They were all at the same point as we were in the process, (actually two were, and one family had just gotten referral)…I met  in real my friend Johnelle, who I have become friends with on facebook, and who has been a TREMENDOUS source of inspiration, love, friendship, persistece… I have just always felt comfortable being able to msg Johnelle, and have prayed for her adoption, and I know she has prayed for me many times… It was wonderful to meet her and her husband and her precious little boy….ohhh these kids so need to come home!

It ws great to see the kids playing together, to see Verlande trying to help at times the younger kids, or trying to talk to them… She played ball with some of them, and they ended up playing “chase” around the little area in front of the guest house that was walled in.. Plus, it was nice for her to have some time just with KIDS…. I know she doesn’t get enough time with kids… She was so happy.

Earlier that day, we had planned to take her swimming if logistics worked out and we could get a driver to take us to a place that had been recommended to us for a local hotel w/pool…  She was excited to go and also excited about her new watermelon swimsuit that I had bought for her.  Of course she has never had a swim suit on before, or been to a swimming pool, and didn’t quite understand.  She kept going to get her shampoo and bar of soap and said, “ I am going to take a bath”.. and we kept saying, no no no, you’ll swim and play in the water and splash around.  She continued to think it was a big bath we were bringing her to.  We went to a crazy awesome resort called La Karibe,  I couldn’t believe it was in the middle of PaP… it was crazy beautiful, nice, the lobby was like heaven.  We walked back to the pool after we registered, and Verlande stopped and looked at us with her hands palm up and a questioning look and said, “All these people here to take a bath?”  We laughed so much!  We each had one of her hands getting into the pool going down the steps, and ALL EYES were on her.. every step she took into the water emitted squeals of pure joy, delight, whatever sensation it must have felt like on her body after not ever being in a pool.. she just was over the moon.  I will never forget this.  She loved to splash, we were holding her, and she was literally just creating a big shower of humongous splashes, I don’t quite even know how she was doing it because when I was holding her I had to close my eyes, it was like I was underwater.  I was happy we were there because I had read that it is good for bonding to hold the child in the water, and to pass from parent to parent.. and that is just naturally what we did.  She loved it.  She loved watching me swim, and tried to do the same with us holding her.   Later, we had swimmies to put on her arms and she was fearless, just started swimming a bit, but staying close to us, it was great.  She met a little girl, aged 3 at the pool, and it was so happy to see Verlande get a chance to interact with another child.   She went up to the girl and said, “Hello, my name is Verlande, and you?”  so funny, because she answers our questions on skype with,  “I’m fine and you”… just so funny to hear from a kid… The girls became little buddies at the pool, and it was fun…  

 When we went to leave, I got an indication of what was a little bit to come.. I took Verlande to the locker room, and ryan was in the men’s locker room changing before our driver came.  1 minute into being in there, I could sense her slight panic, “Where’s Daddy”… I told her he was in the men’s, he couldn’t come in with girls, etc… and she wanted to know if “I was sure.”  I said yes, he is meeting us out at the pool, although she kept asking where Daddy was.  We finished and quickly went to the pool to settle her and … of course ryan was not there (we have some issues with finding each other).. So I calmly said that he must be back in the locker room still, and we went back and I calmly yelled in for Ryan.. no answer… OK now she is grabbing on me and very upset… And I am totally realizing, “NO we cannot do this anymore, we have to always be able to find each other”!  We go back to pool and don’t see him, but I said, he must be up here looking at some of the trees, etc.. we found him of ocurse, but by this time, she was in tears.  And it took probably an hour after that for her to become settled again…. So it kind of opened my eyes a bit…


My eyes were opened a bit further that night.. She DEFINITELY  was adamant and MAD this night at sleeping by herself and not in our bed… and this gave way to another night of terrible crying and screaming.  We had tried to anticipate this and we did an extended and relaxed bedtime, we read to her for probably an hour, thinking maybe she would just drift off into dreamland….. ha ha…… this was not the case, and long story short, there were now babies in the guest house, I was worried about waking them, so I took her out of the room (yes, she was kicking and fighting so I felt horrible) but also thought maybe the fresh air would help her be calm/ like a change of environment…  So we went out in the parking area/ it is walled in so I knew we were ok even though it was dark, and she was still screaming and I was trying to settle her, I was down low on the ground with her/her height and I knew someone walked up to us and it looked like a pole in the dark that was on the ground.. nope.  Apparently there are security guards with guns at night.. fantastic… but I also did not want this guy thinking I was DOING something  mean to Verlande to make her cry like that!!!  The crying didn’t really stop at first, he started talking to her in creole, I understood “pa kriye” (don’t cry), and a few other things… long story, eventually we got it under control, but it was not easy, not short, and I was beginning (as was Ryan) to really worry about what we were in for……What had we done…. Would Verlande be ok, could we even help her, etc.
It was something Ryan said to me later that night that helped remind me of what I needed to be pulling back up from my brain.  After she was sleeping, he said, “it is as if she reverts back to being 2”… and it made me think of the books that said that often the children will stop social development at the age of their trauma. Well, what happened when Verlande was 2?  Her mom left her.  This also goes in line with the realization that when she is upset, whe will SHUT down completely and not say a single word.  She will not even say to us “pick me up” or a word  …. Even yes / no, is something hurting, etc – this makes sense since she had not many words at age two/ couldn’t express these feelings.  The good news is that many of Verlande’s behaviors are CLASSIC.  It seems to  me that one of these books could have been written specifically about her.
Monday:  we went to court with Verlande and another family.  We weren’t sure what to expect here and it definitely was intimidating.  You go in this building with two main waiting room areas, just filled to the brim with people.  Then the lawyer who took us goes in to I think try to get us a good spot to go to the judge.. While we are waiting of course everyone is staring at us as we are like fluorescently white and stand out, and have a Haitian child with us.  I have to wonder what the other people are all doing.  What could be all of the legal things that those people need to be in the building to wait for a judge for?  I have no idea… but it wasn’t the AC.. (there was none!)  We went in to talk to the judge.  It looked like he was getting up to leave after the last people left and our lawyer, a woman, who would also be translating for us, tried to get his attention to go back to take our case.  So she motions to us (ryan, myself and Verlande) to sit in these two chairs in front of his desk.  So this is like a “little house on the prairie” type of schoolhouse room with just a teachers desk and two chairs in front.  So he sits down and directs all of his questions to Ryan. The lawyer interpreted, Ryan answered and she interpreted back.  It was clear that we were in a society that definitely doesn’t look at women as equals.  The questions asked were, “Do you know the name of the child’s father,” “Do you plan to have contact with the orphanage after you adopt the child,” “How will you treat the child”, and so on….. after Ryan answered all the questions, the lawyer said (which was translated to us), “I hope that what you say is true, that you will treat her well, and someday bring her back to Haiti.”  Then, he shook Ryans hand, and he did shake my hand as well. Verlande, luckily, sat well and calm on my lap the entire time.  I have no idea what she thought of this.

Tuesday:  we had a 7:30AM Embassy appointment.  We were ready to leave at 7 as we were told, we left probably more like 7:10ish.  (this is not a problem to be up in Haiti and ready to go at this time.. the roosters are up and squaking at 2am).  Verlande went with us again, as did Margarette, who is the owner of the guest house, orphanage, etc.  I was very glad to have her go with us.  The ride there was CRAZY.  Crazy beautiful, but also crazy scary, meaning that I wasn’t sure that the car would make it up some of the roads that we had to go on!!!  It was definitely “country”ish… huge mountains, totally bumpy,  unkept roads… twisty turny, also saw houses that were like HUMONGOUS.. like “who lives in those” seriously?  Up on these beautiful hills (maybe not easy roads to get to).. but just beautiful land.  This country just has something about it that I love.. it draws you in, it is really gorgeous.. I love it.  I really do sometimes want to just get out and WALK up some of those beautiful hills, just across the land… So we get to the embassy, walk through a few security things… and into the waiting place.  This was maybe 3 different times of an hour wait, we initially had to talk to someone at a counter, then another hour wait, (verlande went to the bathroom here like 4x…. I think it was her first experience with automatic flush toilets because she jumped OUT of her skin!! It was funny)… We had an interview at the desk with an embassy person.  The questions here were:  How did you meet Verlande… did you come to the country with the intention of adoption (HECK NO!!) one question she had was, “have you bonded with the child” but at that time, Verlande was starting to get very frustrated/clingy with Ryan and she would NOT let him put her down, so the worker asking us said, “I guess that is obvious that you have bonded”  so she went on..  easy questions, but of course we were nervous for this.. I mean what if they were looking for a specific answer and we said something WRONG! But it was all ok.  We got the date for Verlande’s dad to go in with verlande because he has to sign off at the US embassy also (even though he has already done so on the Haitian side, the US side needs it also… this date is 10/30 and the lawyer will accompany him. (yikes, please God have him be there… I have actually all trust in her dad that he will be there to do this for her. He has done every single thing for her along the way… he is a good good man.. I do feel this in me that we will have no problems here, and I feel happy to have that level of trust and feel so positive about her birth father.  He loves her completely). 

Our last appointment was Thursday, which ended up being ALL DAY.  We were told that we wouldn’t leave until 10:30-11, so we woke up, ate breakfast, we were playing, jumping rope, exercising, then went up casually to take a (freezing cold) shower, until there was a knock on the door and the lawyer saying, we are going to go early, so we left at 9AM!!!  Good thing I had packed for the airport well over the days before.. I do this kind of gradually because I don’t want Verlande to see it too obvious in front of her, but I also do want her to see it, and we prepare her so that she isn’t blindsighted by us leaving… Anyway, it was quick getting ready and Verlande wanted to wear this ruffly dress that we had brought for her, but it was too like “frilly” looking to me to wear to a court.. I didn’t want us to stand out even more.. maybe it would have been okay, but I told her no, to quick put on the one she had already left unpacked to wear.. and of course she had a terror fit…  so we are getting suitcases, everything we brought for her into her suitcase downstairs, and us OUT with all of our documents, airport stuff ready and available, and verlande would not put her clothes on.. Unfortunately I had  to literally stuff her last minute into the dress because all of the other families were waiting and there she was naked, having a meltdown on the bed.  I didn’t want to do this, but it was what it ws.. (thanks to Phoebe I have some practice at stuffing children into their clothing)… She was literally then trying to rip it off, so I had to really try to keep it doubletied on her  at the straps, and try to keep her hands down.. so yes, now I am literally in a sweat, carrying her down (she is heavy also)… and it was not good.  But it was what it was.  So 3 families , a driver, lawyer stuffed into this truck to drive around Port au Prince for about an hour and a half to get to our location, then, yes:  we sat in a room from 10:30-2:30… men in shirt and ties, babies and kids just having not too much to do.. luckily we brought a game for verlande- she loves the “spot it” game..  so that helped.  But it could only have helped so much, rright!!  For the last 30 min, Verlande lost it.  Ryan was sweating all over, and she was trying to hang on him without telling him what she needed and he said “NO” that she must use words… and she lost it, so I took her down this hall to a corner so we weren’t in the middle of the room of maybe 30 people. Well, I was in for quite the shock.  Verlande is crying, trying to push me away.  So here I am.. this white woman, trying to keep Verlande in this one spot so she will calm down.. Well a Haitian woman walked up, I was not sure at all where this was going… and took a deep breath in.. AND…. REAMED OUT Verlande.  I have no idea what she was saying in Creole.. BUT. SHE. WAS. MAD.  Her finger was pointing and waving at Verlande.. and every once in awhile I would hear “Maman” and she would point to me…. And Verlande just looked bug eyed at her, still crying, but not the same intensity… The woman took a break.. kind of glanced at me.. and I said a soft “mesi” (thank you in creole) to her as it was clear she was trying to take care of me.. man was she my angel that day.. thank you woman wherever you are, whatever you said for not judging me badly as someone of a different color, different nationality… thank you for helping me… She started up a second “round” which was shorter, but no less intense, then swung around and marched away… WHEW.  Immediately out of… I have no idea where these two women even came from…. Came a second gentler woman.. younger, more like maybe 25-30ish?? She stood with us also for maybe 10 minutes, trying to get Verlande to take my hand, which she wouldn’t do… to stop crying.  Again, I have no idea what she was saying, but she was speaking much gentler to Verlande.  It didn’t seem to help, and I knew she couldn’t stay forever.   Somheow, finally Verlande stopped her crying and we went back to the room we were supposed to be waiting in.  After 4 hours, we never saw the judge, BUT the lawyer said that she did “something special” so that it got signed off even though none of the 3 families saw him there.  (Yes, I am choosing to trust this as we haven’t heard differently… and some things I will just have to trust).

To wrap up:




Some of the highlights of PLAYING were:
*endless games of spot it!  She is awesome at all of these games and loves to repeatedly play and play and play!
*she loved going through her books.  She could read entire books by herself, but often wanted them read to her, but it was great to know she can actually read the entire books herself for when we are not there!
*I am so glad I sent her the yoga dvd’s- she has clearly used them TONS as she has them mostly memorized.  I am so glad that yoga may become part of her life as I Think it will sometime possibly be very helpful for her in many ways.
*She loves playing with all sorts of balls.
*she just adores Ryan, and of course Ryan also is just so in love with her.  He is so great with kids, they always seem to gravitate naturally towards him… whereas I have to work really hard at it, but I love it!
*She loved her new clothes that I brought her and he new sandals, shoes, everything.  She was very appreciative.
*She is a picky eater.  She wouldn’t eat eggs, hardly any fruit and vegetables.  Mostly loves carbs: bread with pb, pasta, and rice.  Also chicken and beans…  We need to get some veggies in that girl, but it will be tough.. oh yea, and she likes cakeJ  (I told her that we don’t have cake everyday like they made for us at the guest house, I didn’t want her to think this was  normal for Americans!)
*she loves TV.  This was a problem, however.. but… yes.. she loves TV.  She does not love that we were not letting her watch it except when she was getting her hair done.
*She loved it when we would swing her, each holding her hand.
*she loved singing little songs.
Ohhhhh, I miss her already…


Saturday, August 25, 2012

Birthday Wishes....

Yesterday was Verlande's 8th birthday.....  Last year we had hoped so much that she would be home.  This year, we had assumed.....(ahhhh, NEVER assume anything in a Haitian adoption) that we would have at least needed to see her this summer...  And yesterday we thought we would be skyp-ing with the birthday girl....... Until Hurricane Issac decided to get in the way....

So birthdays are a big deal in our house... We celebrate from the minute the kids wake up...   There is just always an awareness through the day and extra fu n stuff, not meaning presents, but just always making the birthday kid special... And it kills me to not have even been able to communicate with verlande..   We sent her a small package and I at least know it did get there.  I had also made her a video with pictures from the last two years and a beautiful song... But they weren't able to open it because it is too big for their Internet speed...  And I just don't know how she feels on her birthday.  Does she feel loved?  does she feel lonely?  does she think of her mom and wonder why?? Did she truly know in her heart of hearts how much we thought of her the ENTIRE day...  Does she doubt that?  Does she possibly doubt US by this time?????because... In all honesty, if I were a kid.. I probably would be doubting by now...

I pray that she KNOWS..., believes and trusts in our love... Because it even amazes me sometimes.  I honestly don't think I would have ever guessed that I could have fallen so totally in love with a child that didn't grow in my body....  but these years have so shown me that she is our child that we love so fully.  I have grown over the skype sessions and the times we have seen her to so know her little personality... To know when her face means that she totally doesn't know what we are saying even as  
she pretends to, to see her eyes change to a sadness when she is just having one of those days, to see how she has learned to cope, to soothe herself with faces, grimaces, movements...  

Oh,  we are so in love... And it is the hardest thing to wait on something we don't understand.   It really feels to us that our child is being kept away from us, just as if Phoebe or Forrest were somewhere that I've couldn't get them home.  

And yes, I am trying to keep my faith, to be present only in the NOW, to not be aching for a day it he future but enjoying this one...  I do try... But sometimes I will be out running, and I feel that I am almost crashing....  That my insides are so unsteady  and incomplete that I worry I will land my foot and fall to the ground... And I know I would just sit there and break down sobbing.... But there would be no one to come help me.  I must be strong, stronger than I think I am... I cannot collapse, I cannot lose the air inside of me... I cannot think fully of how much we miss Verlande or else I cannot take these steps and go through my days as if I don't have a child away from home, in a foreign and scary place, unsure of our love.  

So my birthday is today, one day after Verlandes, and it is my wish today that we receive news of our dispensation in the next week or two.  God can move mountains and I am fully giving this to Him. 

we love you Verlande, and HAPPY HAPPY 8th BIRTHDAY!!!!http://animoto.com/play/6D86Dd1Qao0jQfQuaNbt1Q

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Two years ago, I met Verlande


2 years later:
It’s been two years since I’ve met Verlande.  Two years since my life and perspective changed forever.
I won’t lie.  I wish she were home.  In a bed that we are too scared to buy yet, in soft snuggly sheets, in her favorite color, purple.  I wish I weren’t hyperventilating every time my phone rang, thinking maybe this is GOOD NEWS on the line!!!  I wish I didn’t have times of devastation where I just simply do not understand… and I try too hard to understand why she is not, why this process is so wrong.
But I also have more clear times where I am fully aware of how much better each single day of the past two years has been; how much more clear I am on my intentions for how I live my life, and how I spend  my time. 
I am so thankful for the opportunity I had two years ago to go with St. Matthews church on my first trip to Haiti.  I had no idea what was in store.  They have a team going again this year, and going this weekend, and I am in awe of the wonder they are about to experience. 
I hope for each of them that their world is a bit rocked… and I know it will beJ  I hope there are times of deep questioning and I know the scope of what they see with their own eyes will shake their core.  I know it shook my core, and changed my makeup forever.  I hope they stop and see God in this beautiful land, in this broken land.  Two years ago, we journaled as a group in the evenings, and one of our questions was:  Where did you see God today?   And I knew right away.  ALL DAY LONG:  I saw God in the EYES of the Haitians I met, in the butterflies that I saw, even amidst piles of rubble and garbage.  I felt God when I woke to hear a woman somewhere outside of our walls singing the most beautiful Amazing Grace- it sounded like she were far away, but yet I could still hear it… I imagined it was coming from the mountains I could see in the distance, but it probably was coming from the streets that were about to become full of chaos for the day. I just felt right, and I knew fully I was where I was supposed to be. 


More than anything, there was something about Haiti where I felt welcome and at home.  I don’t think I can explain it in words at all, because I don’t even quite understand it myself.  I felt home and completed.  I knew I was exactly where I should be… maybe because I feel that I truly was meant to find Verlande.  She is completely so precious, and we are so smitten with her, and have been since day 1.  

Day ONE of the rest of our lives was when I saw this beautiful spirit in little clothes that didn’t fit at all, but who was so full of energy and spirit and smiles.  When I saw this little sprite, her distinct eyes and personality, and just the connection, I knew.  I knew I was brought to Haiti, to that orphanage, that wasn’t even a real orphanage, just a fenced off pile of rubble… and was given a choice.  And we chose to listen and follow through on what we have had our eyes opened to.  It essentially was always very simple. 
  maybe  Definitely very scary... scary to the point of literally shaking for a few months at the beginning of this process... but still SURE.  Sure as I've been.. Strengthened by remembering that feeling of completeness in Haiti.  of being brought somewhere.... and following where I was led.  No questions.  Our hearts are full of love and we are open to sticking it out, amidst unfairness, policies that we don’t agree with… we will be strong enough for this.   It will be soon, friends… good news will be coming our way.. I can feel it.  Two years in… two years of blessings.  Thanks for being on this journey with us.  It may not be easy, but it will be worth it… This will all be small someday and this horrendous wait will be so amplified by the joy of having Verlande home…   Xoxo, Sharon

Sunday, July 15, 2012

i LOVE YOU Skype! We are SO LUCKY to have this connection!

ohhh skype... how I love you.. we started off a tragic skype session w/verlande- she was in T.rouble. she ripped a journal I had given her to write in, and she was so ashamed and stubborn and wouldn't look at computer. In my handy kreyol that I have learned I told her that she must not rip books, "ou pa dechire liv yo"... but that we will love her always, we love her so much, we understand and everyone makes mistakes. no good. verlande was sad/angry. I am working on a scrapbook of pictures for her and had it sitting there and... how to make a little haitian girl smile... show her PICS of herself! OH MY! SAVED the day-- there was about 10 minutes of laughing, remembering these pics, smiles, blowing kisses and love.... ahh happiness, thank you skype for saving the day:)


More than ever.... this puts me over the top... totally ready to get dear Verlande home... She can have her little tantrums here... we've had two others with those this weekend, so she can just join the crowd of little ones getting themselves into hot messes over things.... 


I am ANTICIPATING a phone call... I'm praying, I'm hopeful, I'm patient, but excited!  Please let this be the week, MIRACLES DO HAPPEN!

Friday, July 6, 2012

ONE YEAR LATER

ONE YEAR LATER.....

As with so many other times in the nearly two years since I met Verlande, I have had a gut feeling lately.... well a few... (of course!)...
*one is that I am hopeful.. I think we are going to hear good news soon.. or maybe that is just that I'm becoming more patient, or who knows what.
*the other is that I keep going outside in our yard, I keep looking at the sky, the moon, the sun rising, the transition from the darkness of night to the sunrise... the sunrise that ohhhh always seems to come so early in Haiti!!!  and it has brought me back a year.  It was this week one year ago that our world came tumbling... crashing... and our adoption almost ended.  You can always scroll back on the blog to find out more of what changed in laws, etc.... but I will of course never forget the sheer horribleness of those days.
Mainly realizing what we were stuck at.  We were at the point of being the next parents to leave Verlande.  Ohhh sickness.  And I went out into the yard to cry, so the kids couldn't see....and I couldn't understand for the LIFE of me... how this world works-- we are under this SKY together.... how come I couldn't get my girl home...HOW oh HOW was I going to do this to her.  How would we look at her to tell her.  How can we do this to a HUMAN BEING.  How... we cannot.. I could not.  I couldn't live with myself.  i couldn't face days knowing those eyes had looked to me and called me mommy, and I couldn't continue- not because of lack of love or willing to go the length, because of a filthy thing called money.  sickness.... And where is the line that we can draw for what the minimum is that we should be able to continue to provide our children already- Phoebe and Forrest--- at the expense of praying the rest of the money is not being sent to corruption... My questions were unending- what can we do/ what should we have done differently to have been "better" people (at the time feeling like more successful financially so that we COULD take this step). sickness.
And sickness for Ryan also.
I've never seen him so disgusted.  We were both at a loss.
It was numbing.  Going places and pretending to be in the same world as everyone else.  But knowing that I wasn't in any sort of world at all.  Crying like a slobbery baby through church, trying to just dry my tears before they just plopped on my lap and created a puddle.  Wondering where God was.. Wondering how I could get back to that innocent place where I recognized a need and knew it was one we had a heart for.  Simple as that.  Simple as not being able to turn our backs... simple as the truth that we will not turn our backs... simple as taking action.  Most of all, seeing no future without bringing our whole family together, and that includes Verlande.

It is a true miracle that we have been able to continue our adoption efforts.  We have been truly humbled to have been helped by our family and friends to such a generous amount- financially and MORE-- listening to my updates, reading my blog, asking about Verlande... these things have helped me in ways I cannot ever thank anyone enough for.  I've found a crazy magnificent group on facebook that is full of other hopeful adoptive parents from Haiti, playing the same "games"... waiting... wondering... believing... questioning... believing... waiting more... etc etc..THANK YOU TO ALL.  Thank you for your prayers, thank you for your friendship, thank you for your humanity.  Thank you to those who have reached out and thought of ways to make this happen that I hadn't even considered.

So it has been a year, so much has happened, so much has changed, I know we have learned so much through this process... there is a reason.  (I also feel like I am happy with the amount I've learned and would like my daughter home now, thank you very much... done learning! hA!)  and who knows what is left.  In some sort of MIRACLE version, Verlande will be home at Christmas......  (remember, MIRACLE).... and in  reality... 2013... yea, in Haitian reality, I shouldn't even be thinking about time!!  But... IT IS GOOD.  We will fight every day to do all we can.. We had the best skype session with Verlande yesterday.  She was laughing away with Phoebe (who she pronounces Phe(soft e)be... and it is cute.. and Forrest, and she loves them both- it is so clear to see, and ours pray for her at night and include her in their thankful prayers...

I am at times terrified.
still sickened.
CrAzED by the amount of time this is taking!
But other times I see fully that it does NOT matter.  It will happen, and it will be good.  It will be hard, yes.  But it will be as it should be.  We can do this, we will, we are so so ready, we cannot wait. There isn't an ounce of doubt, and THAT FEELS GOOD.

A friend has recently reminded me of the power of visualization, something I do often, and am doing so intensely lately.  I'm envisioning getting the phone call, going to haiti and to court.  Yes, having to leave Verlande again for maybe another 6 months, but knowing that is the next step!  I'm envisioning the finality of our final progress- VISA/PASSPORTS and getting our flights.  2 down to Port au Prince, 3 RETURNING.
I'm envisioning the love at the airport, I'm envisioning the homecoming.  I know that includes tough times, and  again, we ARE. SO. READY.  And so is Verlande.  She deserves to be home so soon.  I'm envisioning 2012.  Why not...

So, on the 100 degree day today, I again go out in our back yard.  the scary hole I was in last year wondering how to go on.  how I could EVER live with myself.  Looking through the trees at that sky, feeling so stuck, uncertain, scared as HELL.  And I look up at the sky, at the moon/stars that I tell Verlande to look at, as we looked at together in the dark sky of Haiti at night.  I ask her on skype if she looks at the sky to connect us, and she says yes.  And I can tell by her eyes... those eyes.... that she is also looking to me through the sky.

I'm so glad I listened to my heart when I met Verlande.


Thursday, June 14, 2012


EAGLEMAN 2012…. It came together for me this year!

As usual, I’ll try to be brief, and as usual, I’m sure you may wonder why it is so long.  I am upping the ante here and adding pics.  Honestly, even if you don’t read this, scroll to the last paragraph and pic.

First off- the morning started off great with the most spectacular of sunrises.  Seriously.  The day was already made for me by this.  Spectacular, miraculous, and one of my favorite things… speaking of… as I sat next to phoebe before the race on a rock waiting for my wave to go off, she asked me “What is your favorite thing about the world?”  Ok ok so… NO.. she doesn’t usually as such thought provoking questions, but then again it was super simple to answer.  I told her my favorite thing was all the people that I love in the world.. and that just started the day off great,  reminding me of things that really DO matter.. that this was just a race.  I had a great, very settled attitude going into the race.  Which reminds me why I love training so focused, hard, and disciplined:  I love going into a race with no questions- no worries.. it’ll play out how it does, and I know I have done EVERY SINGLE THING I can to prepare.

 So.. my wave started.  I missed hanging out w/ Catherine during the 6ish minutes we are out there treading water (among other things)!! The race started and I had probably 3-4 minutes of PUMMELING.  I hated it.  I was getting kicked and  BLEGH – started in a bad place apparently.. people were all coming INWARDS from both sides.. I should have chosen one of the SIDES.  Ok.. lesson learned.  My wetsuit was also bothering my neck, I was like getting choked by it.. so I had to stop and PULL it out away from my neck to get more breathing room.. and it was better, I got into my groove and it ROCKED—I hung onto a pretty good swimmers feet for the swim portion and I KNOW this helped me.. I was very happy.. I felt strong, but I have also felt strong in other years and havne’t gotten the time I thought I would, so I wasn’t sure if I might be under 40 minutes or … please please don’t’ let me be over!! And I was under in 36 minutesJ  YAHHOOOOOO!

Up to transition, wetsuit off good since I cut off the bottom calf part more last year, helmet, sunglasses, race belt on and OFF, put my shoes on AS I biked.. and it was good, very good… I started immediately strong.  I had gone over 5 ways during the bike portion- each to cut off 60 seconds that just “sneak up” on you.  One of these ways was to not “dilly dally” (thanks Dad for the great word) through the neighborhood section.  So I went strong and didn’t take seconds off of the corners.. started strong (I figured, 6 turns here, it’s easy to “let go of” 10 seconds each.. and there you have it- 1 minute.  I knew I wanted my best time- 2 years in a row I did the whole 56 miles at 2:35 and a few seconds… and I did nOT want anooooooother of the same result.  Then settled in, and felt great from the get go.  I felt strong, on top of my legs, I drank only water for 30 minutes, to let my stomach settle from the swim, then did 30 minutes of eating 4 fig newtons plus water, then 1 hour of perpetuem.  Then the final 30 minutes of water plus power bar (yum.. although I was TOTALLY FORCING myself to eat… I’m glad I did.. I had realized in my training I wasn’t eating enough to PERFORM—yes.. there was a reason ryan had to come pick me up 2 weeks ago- and if that reason was because I wasn’t eating enough, then I needed to elarn from that.  So hopefully I have!  The bike this year was much better than last year in terms of people staying RIGHT when needed- except one time on the course I had to tell some guys to stay right unless passing/ repeated it 2x, then said “I’m serious- GET OVER!”… I do not want to use my brakes on a flat during a race!  It was windy, but I was prepared mentally- sometimes the wind  combines with the rough road and I feel like GRRRR.. just want to be OFF bike already.. but today I reminded myself to WELCOME IT- that is where I can really thrive- is pushing the bike, and that just gave me a good opportunity… every bit of suffering adds up to show what you’re made of, right?  Well, I at least convinced myself of that!  Every 10 miles, I also stood up out of saddle and powered through the road for about 1 minute.. I hate sitting down so much on the saddle..  Ohh, and I had to go pee also.. but didn’t, I knew I didn’t want to stop.. and the course was too crowded, and I also don’t know how to relax enough to do that.. (TMI, sorry).

I knew the last 10 miles I just had to keep steady to get my goal:  2:30 for 56 miles.  I stayed strong, kept focused even on the small aspects, form, stretching, and continuing to RACE, not just push har, but truly RACE IT.. and I did.. 2:30 bike time, OHHHHH happy happy day!!!!  22.3 miles/hour… YES!

T2: ohhhh, so much so much fun!  DYNOMITE song was on.. and honestly couldn’t help myself had to sing a few “if I told you once” and “dynomite’s” and maybe a quick little shoulder boogey while getting my fuel belt and shoes on! But of course I was serious and mostly just trying to keep myself mentally “light,” upbeat, and patient.

Run: but that DYNOMITE attitude was quickly a bit squelched in the first few steps—I was a bit worried- I didn’t feel super strong running the first 5 minutes.. and it was… HOT.. of course… right, it is eagleman, so it HAS to be around 95, right? So I was hot and worried I would overheat.. but knew right away.. DO NOT RUIN IT.  The race has not even started yet (my goal was to not “mentally start” my race until mile 10 of run… I know I know… 4:30 in, right)..so I kept steady.  There was a girl that passed me and I was like NOOOO… she looked fine.. but then I passed her in somehow the next minute and never saw her again.. I think this helped w/ my confidence and reminded me:  do not ever give up… mile 1 in 7:50.  So it wasn’t as bad as I thought.. it just felt HOT

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Miles went along and of course I just made it mile by mile- averaging between 7:45 to 8 min mile pace… one ice stop to the next- every one, I would get 1 cup of ice to put down my sports bra swimsuit, and at least 1 ice water cup to take a few sips of and douse my head with.  I found this probably saved me- the pouring it over my head- I always have done this at EM.. not like it is something totally new.. BUT.. I really try to freeze my body with this as much as possible.. so that it actually hurts from the cold… and a few times it SO SO did.. and I really used that frozen feeling to focus on/ to visualize me just thawing from that “freeze”..

I found my form,, and my cadence was ON.. I could feel it.  I was passing people through the miles. Was great.  I drank 1 water flask to start with (in addition to stops) and at mile 4 had my first clif block.  I actually ate it with an ice chip from my swim suit, and it ended up being nice, like a “frozen treat”, so I kept adding ice chips to prolong the block!  During those first 4 miles, maybe 5.. I also kept taking a piece of ice from my suit and holding it and squeezing it in one hand, then when I couldn’t take it too much  more, put it in the other hand, and that also helped me feel like I was cooling off (or frankly maybe just gave my mind something to focus on)started at mile 5 doing HEED sports drink and kept this up through mile 10, then back to water (I brought 3 of my own flasks) and also had water from the aid stations.

I was worried so much at the beginning of the run, but really kept my mind focused with so  many tricks that I had planned previously to help with the run:*first, at mile 3, I was “happy” to get to the 3rd mile, but I reminded myself.. that is just another step, just another mile.. I reminded myself to think of it like a Haiti adoption and being “happy” about one step, but also knowing that there is sooooooooo much more….. yea, we are in IBESR.  Plod along people.  3 miles in.. fantastic..  continue.  And I reminded myself to NOT  STOP EVER.  This was NOT meant to be easy – I told myself to not walk a step—I knew my goal was UNDER 5 hours for total time of race.. and I said over and over to myself “people who go under 5 do NOT WALK”…. Run along. 

I reminded myself of the people I was doing this for…of the chance that I had to be moving.

I reminded myself of the breeze I felt every once in a while, and that I didn’t even have that breeze when I had been training on the treadmill w/ no fan.. I reminded myself that I had PREPARED FOR THIS.. and there would be NO REGRETS.. and I sped up. 

Made it to 8 miles.. another block/ice chip mixture. Yum.

Mentally set myself forward to look for 10 miles (where the race started, right)…  and there it was, a 5K left, and 26 minutes to get UNDER 5 hours…  ok.. this is what I have been training for- all those runs where I made myself eek out a HARDER INTENSITY at the last few miles.. bring it on…  I reminded myself of how much it would suck to be like 1 minute or 1:45 OVER 5 hours..  My legs were beginning to scream, and I mentally screamed right back at them… .lovingly.. but let them know that they WERE.NOT.DONE.YET.

I asked myself every step, “is this your BEST, Sharon Adams.. is this your BEST”, and I made sure it was.

I knew it was going to be close.  1 mile to go, I generally knew I could do it, it was possible if I WENT NOW. Go go go… go go go.. too close for comfort.. so I did.. I ran like my ass was on fire… I also couldn’t wait to pee… my arms had a steady cadence, I reminded myself to lean, to move my arms and my body would follow, to breathe, to ROCK THIS… I couldn’t look at my watch for last ½ mile, I did not want to waste even that one second!!  I knew one of my feet had been a bit rubbed raw- my shoes are the Zoot tri shoes, but with the amount of water you pour over yourself in 13 miles, it still gets wet and sloshy a bit in there… but I knew there was no comfort in slowing down anyway, so I made a conscious decision to just not feel that…..

I picked up everything I had left for last ¼ mile, saw Ryan, Phoebe and Forrest along the fence- gave phoebe a high five and HURRIED to the finish, looked down to 4:59!! (to find out later 48 seconds)!!!  I WAS SO HAPPY!!!

Oh yea.. and this year, they had DIET soda’s… so I got twoJ

I feel so great after this race- I feel a huge sense of satisfaction that IT ALL PAID OFF.

EVERYTHING:  the past YEARS of doing this race, learning about this race, plodding through some years just suffering and surviving…  everything including all the workouts, on tired days, cold days, treadmill runs with no fan, boring REPEATS of a flat 6 mile bike loop (the only one I could find with not many hills to prep for a flat course—yes doing 9x this 6 mile loop)… everything meaning learning from my disappointments, learning from my journey… connecting this Eagleman journey to my life journey- presently our adoption journey.. and the symbol I see is that it all does matter.  The little things, the sacrifices, the perseverance… It reminds me to NEVER GIVE UP.   It reminds me that persistence, passion and hard work lead to good things… that results CAN COME!

I finished the race, found out I got 8th!!!!  So happy to break into the top 10!  We left, got some food (I didn’t think I could keep any of the food that was at the finish line down.. ) and we went to a little beach area….  And … in MY opinion… bear with me for one more paragraph… but in my opinion, I got another “sign.”  I saw a little girl getting out of her car as we arrived.. who looked JUST LIKE VERLANDE.. looked like her, but no… even more: she MOVED like Verlande, which is very low/bent knees/hips moving and busy body-ish.. always on the go with a bit of personality in her movements… I said, “ry- look at that girl- looks like Verlande.” And he smiled and said he had already thought that.  So we go down to the beach area, after a few minutes of getting set up/not even in the water yet, something gets my attention from the side, and there she is.. the little girl with beads in her braids.. coming to me smiling, outstretched hand (no friends,, I am NOT joking) saying, “come.”  I would have loved to see my eyes.. I swear they just got wide and this little angel girl is coming up to me, showing me to have patience… to KNOW and KNOW FULLY…. Things are good and they WILL happen… honestly I can’t even remember what she wanted to show me!  (I told her mom why I looked so AMAZED by her approaching me)….Phoebe and I went to swim in the water, and on our way back in, looked up to see…. A bit of our future….

PRESS ON…

Have Persistence,

Stay patient…

Work hard…

One step at a time.. it all does lead to big things..

Keep true to what you know is the right thing… don’t have doubts… it is and will be good.  Maybe not every step, but in the end.. it is as it should be.

THE journey continues…  Thanks friends, for always letting me share my stories!