ONE YEAR LATER

ONE YEAR LATER.....

As with so many other times in the nearly two years since I met Verlande, I have had a gut feeling lately.... well a few... (of course!)...
*one is that I am hopeful.. I think we are going to hear good news soon.. or maybe that is just that I'm becoming more patient, or who knows what.
*the other is that I keep going outside in our yard, I keep looking at the sky, the moon, the sun rising, the transition from the darkness of night to the sunrise... the sunrise that ohhhh always seems to come so early in Haiti!!!  and it has brought me back a year.  It was this week one year ago that our world came tumbling... crashing... and our adoption almost ended.  You can always scroll back on the blog to find out more of what changed in laws, etc.... but I will of course never forget the sheer horribleness of those days.
Mainly realizing what we were stuck at.  We were at the point of being the next parents to leave Verlande.  Ohhh sickness.  And I went out into the yard to cry, so the kids couldn't see....and I couldn't understand for the LIFE of me... how this world works-- we are under this SKY together.... how come I couldn't get my girl home...HOW oh HOW was I going to do this to her.  How would we look at her to tell her.  How can we do this to a HUMAN BEING.  How... we cannot.. I could not.  I couldn't live with myself.  i couldn't face days knowing those eyes had looked to me and called me mommy, and I couldn't continue- not because of lack of love or willing to go the length, because of a filthy thing called money.  sickness.... And where is the line that we can draw for what the minimum is that we should be able to continue to provide our children already- Phoebe and Forrest--- at the expense of praying the rest of the money is not being sent to corruption... My questions were unending- what can we do/ what should we have done differently to have been "better" people (at the time feeling like more successful financially so that we COULD take this step). sickness.
And sickness for Ryan also.
I've never seen him so disgusted.  We were both at a loss.
It was numbing.  Going places and pretending to be in the same world as everyone else.  But knowing that I wasn't in any sort of world at all.  Crying like a slobbery baby through church, trying to just dry my tears before they just plopped on my lap and created a puddle.  Wondering where God was.. Wondering how I could get back to that innocent place where I recognized a need and knew it was one we had a heart for.  Simple as that.  Simple as not being able to turn our backs... simple as the truth that we will not turn our backs... simple as taking action.  Most of all, seeing no future without bringing our whole family together, and that includes Verlande.

It is a true miracle that we have been able to continue our adoption efforts.  We have been truly humbled to have been helped by our family and friends to such a generous amount- financially and MORE-- listening to my updates, reading my blog, asking about Verlande... these things have helped me in ways I cannot ever thank anyone enough for.  I've found a crazy magnificent group on facebook that is full of other hopeful adoptive parents from Haiti, playing the same "games"... waiting... wondering... believing... questioning... believing... waiting more... etc etc..THANK YOU TO ALL.  Thank you for your prayers, thank you for your friendship, thank you for your humanity.  Thank you to those who have reached out and thought of ways to make this happen that I hadn't even considered.

So it has been a year, so much has happened, so much has changed, I know we have learned so much through this process... there is a reason.  (I also feel like I am happy with the amount I've learned and would like my daughter home now, thank you very much... done learning! hA!)  and who knows what is left.  In some sort of MIRACLE version, Verlande will be home at Christmas......  (remember, MIRACLE).... and in  reality... 2013... yea, in Haitian reality, I shouldn't even be thinking about time!!  But... IT IS GOOD.  We will fight every day to do all we can.. We had the best skype session with Verlande yesterday.  She was laughing away with Phoebe (who she pronounces Phe(soft e)be... and it is cute.. and Forrest, and she loves them both- it is so clear to see, and ours pray for her at night and include her in their thankful prayers...

I am at times terrified.
still sickened.
CrAzED by the amount of time this is taking!
But other times I see fully that it does NOT matter.  It will happen, and it will be good.  It will be hard, yes.  But it will be as it should be.  We can do this, we will, we are so so ready, we cannot wait. There isn't an ounce of doubt, and THAT FEELS GOOD.

A friend has recently reminded me of the power of visualization, something I do often, and am doing so intensely lately.  I'm envisioning getting the phone call, going to haiti and to court.  Yes, having to leave Verlande again for maybe another 6 months, but knowing that is the next step!  I'm envisioning the finality of our final progress- VISA/PASSPORTS and getting our flights.  2 down to Port au Prince, 3 RETURNING.
I'm envisioning the love at the airport, I'm envisioning the homecoming.  I know that includes tough times, and  again, we ARE. SO. READY.  And so is Verlande.  She deserves to be home so soon.  I'm envisioning 2012.  Why not...

So, on the 100 degree day today, I again go out in our back yard.  the scary hole I was in last year wondering how to go on.  how I could EVER live with myself.  Looking through the trees at that sky, feeling so stuck, uncertain, scared as HELL.  And I look up at the sky, at the moon/stars that I tell Verlande to look at, as we looked at together in the dark sky of Haiti at night.  I ask her on skype if she looks at the sky to connect us, and she says yes.  And I can tell by her eyes... those eyes.... that she is also looking to me through the sky.

I'm so glad I listened to my heart when I met Verlande.