my race for the journey... EAGLEMAN 2012

So, this is going to be a post not about adoption.... or is it??!!
I have my big race of the year in 10 days.  Eagleman Half Ironman.  Iv'e done this race for years, it has crushed me sometimes.. yea  most of the time:).....I've also done real well... but it is a race that is kinda meant to crush:)  so let's be honest.. it has never "felt" great.. although I've been close to top 10 in age group (11th and 16th.. pretty good for a race that is so well known/attended, etc)... so what that I need to be top ONE in my age group to qualify for Hawaii... and yes this is my GOAL.... why would I NOT strive for the top, right??? 
So let's get back to why I'm writing this on Verlande's blog:).... well... in many ways, the story of adoption has mirrored the story of a race.. a long.... looong... LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG race... a hot one that crushes me sometimes.... it is about slogging through it, being strong, one step in front of the other, and NEVER GIVING UP.  So that is my paralell.... along with the fact that I won't be doing this race next year.  Verlande will be home.  (I'm nervous saying that, but Ryan seems convinced that I CAN say this now)... I'm still nervous... so you probably won't hear me verbally say that.. but I digress...

So this race is even MORE improtant to me this year.

I've trained for this race since 1/1/12... (well not really, I was in Haiti that day).. but yes, since the beginning of the year... that is not to say that everything has been magical about my training!  This year has been rough healthwise it seems... (knock on wood no back problems keeping me on the couch this year, so that was where i was last year)... but I've struggled w/ low energy, sinus, kids sick, crazy 3:00-4:00 sickness that leaves me starting the hour feeling fantastic and by 4:00 I am in a fever and body aches??  who knows.... BUT despite that, I've been training, and training for this race only.  We don't have money this year for me to race once/month like I like to...  so this is it. one race.  one trip.. kids "vacation" weekend..  here it is.. make it happen sharon..

I look back at my training log, and it has been strong.  At times I have been so excited, I've told Ryan, "maybe this is the year where everything can come together!"  By coming together, I mean:
Swim:  moderate - feel strong and don't lose energy- my swim is my weakness, so don't stress that half the field is in front of you, you'll make it up as long as you don't worry.  but do stay strong and on course.
BIKE:  historically I am top 3 in age group on bike.  I want this to be my best bike year.  I want to average as close to 23 mph for the 56 miles as I can.. I want to stay focused, I want to not give up despite that patch of like 15 miles where the road is ROUGH ROAD and there is always a headwind and I feel like I am going nowhere, and I have been known to occassionally make a big GRRRRRRRRRR noise just to break up the monotony of my race:)  and yes it makes me smile after I growl and get a little second wind!  I want to stay AGGRESSIVE... mostly since I had to call Ryan to come pick me up off the bike a few days ago becuase my body felt shaky and I was worried I was going to tip over, I don't want to be AFRAID... YOU CAN DO THIS, I HAVE TRAINED THIS BODY.  I will be saying that over and over.
RUN:   and this is where the race begins... well.. hold that .... last year I reminded myself "the race doesn't begin until halfway through the run (mile 6.55).... this year I am smarter:)  The race this year will not begin for me until mile 10... although mentally I keep pushing that back to mile 9.. stay smart sharon.. mile 10 is when your race is.. don't be impatient.... (remember the corrolary to the adoption... this is where the PATIENCE FACTOR COMES IN..).. yes, this is where patience, persistence, PAIN, Heart, Soul, maybe tears come in... and I am prepared for that..  I have shed many of those in the past 21 months... I'm prepared because this is all I have- ALL OF ME.  This race can take it.  I am giving everything of myself to this race, to these 5 hours (ok.. there it is:  MY TIME GOAL.. and of course a time goal in a race like this varies according to wind, temperatures, etc etc.. but yes.. I aim to be as close to UNDER 5 hours as possible!!)  I would love to be UNDER 8 min average for the run.. as close to 1:40 as possible...  so that is steady, strong.... when your skin and body feel on FIRE... (and guys.. yes, this is all within limits, don't get me wrong, if I don't feel good, I'll take care of myself)... but when I feel that maybe you can see the HEAT rising off my body.... that is where one of my mantras will come in... "Run as if your A*^ is on fire"... or heels.. ... don't be afraid of it, embrace it.. this is what it is... this is what I KNEW it would be.. this is what I signed up for, yes this is what I paid for.. yes this is our VACATION:)  *(yikes). 

I will use all that I've learned.
I will be grateful for all that I have.  I will run for those who cannot run.  I always dedicate some of my miles to some special people in my heart.... and that will be the same this year.... for every bit of pain I  might feel is nothing in comparison to what some people endure.  A mile in 95 degrees... I'VE GOT THIS.. Another mile in 95.. GOT THAT TOO... BECAUSE I CAN...
I will run for Verlande... I will run because her journey hasn't been a piece of cake.... and I will embrace her spirit of joy on the run-- after all that her early years have brought her, I will try as I might to mimic her spirit of joy, her energy despite it all.  I will remember in the hot rubble filled orphanage (more like "enclosure") where I first met her... and the COLOR and LIFE that she brought to that place... with her eyes... with her smile.... and I will continue. 

I will run because all I ever wanted was to go to Haiti to be one of the many who wanted to HELP... and I had no idea how it woudl change me.... and how it turned into so many people HELPING ME.. helping me continue, both in donating to our cause... and yes.. this has been a miracle, because this is all that allowed us to continue.. but also those that ask.. those that well up tears in their eyes at the excitement of meeting us at the airport someday, those who just meet my eye.... and understand... and give me that boost.. those who I've met "virtually" who are also adopting.. and have allowed me to NOT BE ALONE ANYMORE... to regain faith in the process, in the people....

This race is a journey... it is more than a race... yes, it'll come down to fitness, but it'll also come down to my strength of mind... and I will use all that I have.

I will remind myself... when I see others stopping and walking.... that doesn't mean I need to stop and walk.
I will remind myself of the many rides/runs that I have come home from.... and in an attempt to show my kids that this sweaty mess of a mom is not CRAZY... have screamed from the sidewalk "EAGLEMAN"  so they can hear me if they are jumping on the trampoline in the back, or have screamed EAGLEMAN from the treadmill in the basement upon pushing the STOP button after a successful run... I will remind myself of the feelingn of successfully completing what I had set out to do... and THIS DAY WILL BE NO DIFFERENT.. yes... I will be that mother that will scream "EAGLEMAN" (if I have energy left) as I come in to the finish line... to ensure that my kids look and think that this type of suffering is actually fun:)
I will have no regrets from this race.. no hindsight wishing I had eeked out maybe 10 more seconds per mile faster...  there will be NO regrets.. I will be honest with myself.
I will open my heart and shoulder blades, and love the journey and breathe. 
I will feel the connection with the heat, the sun, the blazing pavement.... and I will PASS BY THE SNOWCONES THIS YEAR- NOT RISKING STOMACH ISSUES AGAIN!
I will keep each mile as fast as I can, in a smart way, because 13 miles in 1:44 is honestly so much easier than 13 miles in 2:14.... I will promise myself that I can immediately immerse myself back in the Choptank River as soon as I cross the finish line:)
I WILL continue to ask myself, "IS THIS YOUR BEST".... and ensure that the answer is YES... or adjust and make that happen... because there WILL BE NO REGRETS!
I WILL put the energy into the last half of the run.. knowing there will be no next year Eagleman....  We WILL HAVE VERLANDE HOME BY THEN....!!! (right Ry?)
I WILL be true to my sense of gratitude for  my life, my movement, for my family that has allowed me time to train, friends who have pushed me, listened to me, accepted me fully.... and I will RUN THANKFULLY... 

It has been forever since I posted.  And we wait:) and wait:)
and now we will re-do some things since they have expired.. so we can wait more:)
It is all good though, here is a quick synopsis:

We apparently have "cleared" IBESR and are now waiting to get President Martelly's signature for dispensation (because of biological children).  Then we go back to IBESR to get their final stamp, and then it has to be PUBLISHED.  When we get this published we will get a phone call and should be prepared to make a flight down to Haiti asap.

So this is great news that we have made it initially through IBESR and are now just waiting on the dispensation/printing of that.  IBESR has closed until end of July and are trying to get caught up on all of the backlog that they have, which is very smart.  It sounds like they are trying to do good.  We're glad (and hoping it is in fact true) that we did get through IBESR so far... and are waiting for signature.  We just have to pray and pray that the right thing happens.  That we can be signed off on QUICKLY.  then PRINTED.  Both of those steps have taken for some families over a year.  I don't know why.  I don't think that is the rule.  I think it is the exception.  And I'm praying that that is not us.  My "goal" (should I have learned by now that you don't set goals for Haitian adoptions.... ahhhh.. ) is that we get printed by end of July and have to travel for our next step right away in August, and we can pray that our timeline just goes so smoothly for the rest... and that maybe Verlande with some MIRACLE could be here by Xmas.  I will tel you that is highly unlikely, but at this point, i need to dream that.  More realistically, she may be here next spring.

In the meantime, in making sure we are READY TO TAKE OFF TO AIRPORT as soon as we get the phone call, I had a feeling I hsould check my bin of Haiti paperwork.  Long story short= a good thing.  Our fingerprints are set to expire on July 4th, in order to redo those, we need to redo our homestudy (update it)..  (yes, an update cots $600 apparently) as well as redo: bank forms, medical forms, TB tests for us, social services fingerprinting, fairfax county fingerprinting, (seriously, again it amazes me... do these various fingerprinting departments within our country not have access to each others-- wouldn't the FBI's fingerprint check be the most extensive, but I digress, and will plan to waste days to travel to these various locations to ensure that i have STILL not been arrested)... oh, and now we need driving record again, all sorts of things.. AGAIN....oh, and the lady will come again to check us and our house and make sure we are decent.  So, today I am honestly overwhelmed by this.  This paperwork and the ABSURDITY OVERWHELMS ME.  It does.  Overwhelms me to the point of honestly freezing me.  It's like I have no idea how to get a start on all of this redoing paperwork becuase I'm so frozen thinking how this has all gone.  How hard it has been to help a child.  How wrong it is.  But it is what it is, and I will continue to shuffle along and do all of these silly things.  Because it is for Verlande.  Because she deserves that.  Because in going through some pictures in my bin from paperwork, I found a picture that i cannot get out of my mind.  A pic of Ryan holding Verlande while she has these scared and sad eyes .... I think it was after one of her good cries...and it just reminds me of how much she needs us.  yesterday.

Anyway, this is just an update to say.... we're still waiting... But now working again while we wait:)
Off to paperwork checklists I go again... I don't have enough on my plate, right? 
:)