And what I have learned over 2.5 years

As I am thinking over the past few days about how much I have to learn in the next months and years as Verlande becomes part of our family, I think back to the past 2.5 years.  They’ve been tough.  And I’ve learned a lot.  More than I’ve wanted to at times, but I don’t doubt there was good in all of it.

And what I have learned…..

1.        “Stuff” doesn’t matter…… there is very little in life that I actually need.

I learned this lesson partially from the first trip to Haiti, in which I was inside of a Haitian “home” and saw how little they had.  I saw people living under a tarp with basically nothing.  I saw people whose belongings/home were perched on the MEDIAN of the street—and these were the lucky ones because the water when it rained would drain down out of their stuff into the muddy, gravely, rubble and filthy street.  And then I came back to my home and felt sick with STUFF.   I have never been one to buy much, however, this took a drastic change even FURTHER when we started the adoption process.  Literally I did not buy myself a single item for 1.5 years, I haven’t gotten my hair cut in 2.5 years, I would still look through catalogs, since I think this is relaxing, but I would just recycle them—I would realize, “I already have shirts”.. I realized- I have enough clothes.. honestly, unless you are OUT of clothes, I figure now, why would I need more?  One of our favorite things as a family has always been to go out for dinner once/week.  We love eatingJ  We tried to continue going out, but to a lesser degree, we would go out maybe 1-2x/month and it would be to very inexpensive places that we also had coupons for (Cici’s pizza- did you know you can feed a family of 4 A LOT of food for $12.. (this is with a coupon, everyone getting water, and this is a buffet, so we let the kids go crazy since we weren’t going out very often!!!  We now love cici’s pizza!)  All of these changes were definitely conscious changes.  I noticed them yes.  But what I also really noticed was – the times that we DID go eat somewhere felt like HEAVEN.  I appreciated going and sitting somewhere and the food tasted FANTASTIC… I was so much more appreciative.  And I have survived with most of the same clothes. For crying out loud, I still have jeans from high school, so I’ll be fine!

2.       People are full of surprises; both good and bad.  Oh, this one breaks my heart.  Let me start with the heartbreaking stuff.  People are not always out to do the right thing in life.  Adoption is not set up to help children.  And that is all I can say about this.  On many regards, we have seen some bad stuff that is terrible to come to grips with… it is terrible and unfathomable that this IS REALITY for kids in this world.    BUT OH THE GOOD:  people CAME.  Love came..  Love poured in.  I never in my life have realized what DEEP and wonderful friends I am blessed with.

3.       I like my naïve head… and I want to keep it.  I have always been naïve.  I realize I am.. but I just love it.. I sometimes want to think things are fair and good and for the good of all.  Oh, bless this naïve heart.  On days when I see the realness of some things, I just become so affected.  I am sad to see people judge others so much.  It really breaks my heart.

4.       I can actually let go of selfish ways… I am always learning.  Before I went to Haiti, I had so many things I wanted to do… and I still do… but I am now acutely aware that my end all be all is not myself.

5.       You can feel your heart hurting (I already knew that)… you can also FEEL God’s presence (I hadn’t ever felt that).

6.       Social networking/facebook is my friend.  Quite simply, I do not know where I would be without my “adopting from Haiti” facebook group.  Yes, I have friends now who I have never met face to face, but who I truly consider my friends each day…  I don’t know if that is weird,, or just a sign of our times, but.. I NEVER thought it would be this way for me!

7.       It will be what it will be.  I love the book “Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle, and it taught me, or introduced me to something I desperately need to have tattooed on my brain:  if you are full of anxiety, you are not thinking of the now.  You are thinking of the past or the future.  If you are only thinking of now, then you know you are ok, and so there should be no anxiety.  This is tough.

8.       I do believe in a PLAN that is set for our lives… yes we alter it and still need to work… but it is pretty neat to look back and realize… all of this happened for a reason… so that I could be where I was at that one moment.

9.       I’m weaker than I thought.  I have cried more, not been able to get out of bed, and been at the bottom.  I’ve wondered how in the world I can carry on.  I am maybe even more sensitive than ever… is that even possible?  Why do I carry other’s pain so much, and why is  mine so deep.

10.   I’m stronger than I thought.   I’ve stood for what I knew was right, and it wasn’t easy ever.  But  I never ever ever gave up.  How can my heart be so so weak and strong at the same time?