Saturday, February 9, 2013

February.... random thoughts from.. almost there?


RANDOM MUSINGS FROM… ALMOST THERE.

So people had mentioned back in November that this last part was the hardest part of the adoption… because you are soooo close.  I’ll admit, I kind of got mad to hear that.  Annoyed.  Even HURT.  Why would someone tell me that, after all that I had been through.   After being at the BOTTOM of despair, seriously.  I’ve got this, thank you. 
Crap.  They were right, and I cannot believe I have to say that.  I literally WAS expecting joy, continued relief, even redemption of the journey.   And I find I’ve hit the bottom again.
Yes, I am here today.  Oh God, again.  Why is our daughter not home.  Am I really asking that.  It is February.  I’m sad and missing my daughter.  Yes, I’m busy with Phoebe and Forrest, busy with life, work, everything.   But busy is different than not waiting. 
I never dreamed, and I would have judged.  I never dreamed that a Mom’s heart could so passionately love without carrying inside of me.   I would have judged that it couldn’t be so hard…. If it never has been right?  She has never BEEN HERE.  We’ve never known life WITH our daughter in her home, how can I “miss her.”  I would have judged.  I only know now because here I am… and I am struggling.
I grieve for the years that she has lost having a family.  I grieve for her heart that knows she was left and abandoned, and for her heart that questions if we are really ever coming… and when we do for the lack of trust if we are staying… if she is deserving…   I grieve for time that has been taken from us together by what I see as excess “investigations” throughout these years.  Seriously.  I grieve for the simple days that we will never have because time has gone by… even though I praise God that I KNOW she WILL come home.. I miss the days that she has missed here.  Picnics that she has missed with us, summer days at the pool, playing on the swingset, nighttime books, afterschool snacks, walking with the dogs, church, grocery shopping….. I love these things with  my children… I just watch them and see MIRACLES and am so thoroughly thankful for what I HAVE…that I miss what we have NOT had with Verlande.




I woke up today, after two days of beginning to feel  myself seeping back into panic mode, anxiety, when will this ever end…  what do I say to Phoebe and Forrest, who have been expecting their sister, praying for their sister… I woke up with my heart tearing, and literally with a huge BOULDER on my lungs… it amazes me how my body can literally feel these things.  But I made a conscious choice to CHOOSE my day .  I have a choice to be overcome with heaviness, or I can live TODAY and be glorious and joyful.  Verlande will not come home any sooner if I wallow in sadness, so live TODAY.  Right? I tried.  And then I hit the bottom of what I could do.
Tears streaming down my face, headache that has been pounding since last night (maybe I am just sick and that is why my emotions are overcoming me?)…. I had to lie in bed and just let myself cry, and I am not out at the ice skating rink with school ice skating night tonight.. (although I love going ice skating) I just know I cannot continue to live today in a way that is not genuine.  I hate it that I cannot fake things.  It simply depletes me.  I have no energy for fakeness. I am who I am.  I feel things, I am passionate,  I struggle with anxiety and depression, and  I am simply desperate for our daughter to come home.
Yesterday, on the way home from work in the AM, it was pouring rain, still dark outside (6:45AM) and I got to an intersection and there was a woman walking in the rain.  She had on a huge coat, and was carrying a teeny flashlight.  My thoughts were negative towards her, I’ll admit…. I was  thinking, “seriously lady, get a real flashlight and why the heck are you walking NOT on the side of the road with a sidewalk (this was Reston parkway, so a busy road, and she was walking by this corner that has NO edge on the road—super dangerous area to walk even in daylight)… so I was kind of just watching her slightly, then my thoughts drifted to… what IS she doing?  Why is she out there- does she maybe NEED something?  And then it happened.  She just stopped walking and stood by my car, looking in at me.. through the darkness, through the rain… and I am looking back at her.. and yes, she is looking right at me… she is looking right INTO my eyes… and I am questioning if I am really seeing this right, is she really looking right at me… and WHAT DOES SHE NEED?  Do I ask her if she is okay, can I drive her somewhere, she is still staring at me.. I haven’t put my window down, DO I HELP HER????? I am still looking at her, and she is still looking at me.  THE LIGHT TURNS GREEN.  And I DROVE OFF.  I freaking drove off.  And that kind of rocked my world.  I drove off.
(and you are wondering how this relates to Verlande)…  well….Through the adoption, I have had the question asked a few times, “why we wanted to adopt since we already have our “own” children.”  And it boggles my mind that people even ASK me this…  First of all  *WHY NOT?

But mostly…. It brings me back to August/September 2010, after meeting Verlande.  I had a childs eyes, beautiful eyes….. on my heart…. And I didn’t know what to do… but I knew I would not drive off on this child… who I knew was my child… and no matter how  much these years  may have rocked my world, driving off would have been incomprehensible to me.  (so yes… I am still slightly rocked by the woman in the rain… who was she… was that REAL?  And… why… why did I drive off).



Anyway.  I sometimes wonder and worry that something horrible is going to be happening in my life that is going to require this huge strength and faith in order for me to survive…  why else am I being asked to build these foundations… that is just me being nervous nelly though, I suppose.
Bottom line… I’m struggling, I miss Verlande, and we could not be more ready for her to come home.  I envision her sitting next to me on that plane, lifting off, flying through the beautiful sky, coming home.  Forever.  
(this helped me to write this all out, so thank you if you are still reading and didn’t mind reading itJ!)
Xoxo, sharon


“A person who lives in faith must proceed on incomplete evidence, trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse.”  - Philip Yancey

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