At the bottom.....

And yes, folks... we have reached the bottom...
We were not approved for our I600 last week.  We have found out that we are lucky that we did not receive an "intent to deny" from USCIS.  Instead, we have questions to answer regarding Verlande's transfer of custody, the nature of the work that her caretaker does, funding questions, transfer of custody dates and reasons, etc... All of this should be able to be answered by the orphanage director in Haiti, and we are told to "give them time and space" to accomplish this.  So we wait.

We found out last Monday, and last week was rough.  I did spend an entire day in bed crying.  I kind of  "allowed" this of myself-- I knew I was going to be way down, and rather than having expectations of myself being strong and then having stress at not being able to function normally, I kind of just allowed myself this day, and then said to myself, "self... get yourself up and carry on."  And  I did.  It doesn't mean that my heart hasn't been so heavy, but after that day, I at least have been functioning.  At times I am in a state of shock and despair and have these heart flutter things where I am in like a cloud listening to people talk about things that to me right now seem so fluff.  At times my insides are screaming out, "HOW CAN THIS BE".... and again I reminded of such a state of impossibility-- how is it that I see airplanes in the sky, and one cannot just go pick up Verlande and bring her back over that ocean to me.  (or me to her).  This weekend, we didn't go out to get her a winter coat as planned.  We may not need it.  And this did crush me.

But at times, I also realized that it is during these times of deep doubt and terrible depths, that I am asked to live out my faith.  This is when truly believing is REAL.  It is so easy to believe in God and His miracles when things are going swimmingly along, sending us from one agency to the next, to the next step, and the next.  But when we are STOPPED..... where do we really turn, and what do we really believe.  And I have searched my soul and I know it IS good.  I know that we WILL be ok, that Verlande will come home, and it will be okay.  I feel myself trusting during these moments (no... they are not constant.... but I realize where my heart has come over the last 2.5 years that I am even at this place to be able to trust and KNOW...... even for moments of time)...I feel myself releasing into the trust that I am not alone, and that it is okay.

Ohhh, don't be totally fooled, someone posted on facebook that I was being so patient and strong and I LAUGHED loudly.. haha.. that is funny, because I feel so opposite.  I dont' even want to be patient, I HAVE BEEN!!!  But it has been a positive to feel prayers and support of friends, I have *accepted help* yes... believe it or not, I said yes to someone bringing me coffee and also yes to someone bringing me soup over... (slightly worried that by accepting this help I was crying out "look at me God, look at me!! I have learned to take help! Let her come home now, God, look at me!!)... but in all honesty, it was a good step for me.  I really hate having people have to bring me stuff, I love to bring other people things, but when it is reversed, I have too much guilt over it.. but yes, I accepted help!!  (look at me, learning:)!)

We have no idea where we are.  Maybe we will hear tomorrow that they fixed it and we are approved.  Maybe we will have to wait to find out anything, we have no idea.  So after 2.5 years, here we are... Please keep us in your thoughts....xoxo